Frienemy?

**purplelicious** · 03-29-2010 01:04 PM

ok I need more advise:
I have a handlful of really close friends, but out of that handful I feel one is not a true friend anymore, this friend has hurt me time and time again. We use to laugh and cry together, when we got angry we would fight and then talk it out and make up that same day. We use to go out, she and her husband and my husband and I, we would get so drunk, fall and laugh, and all kind of good things, we use to do several family things together and ok I think yall get the picture. We both have 2 kids, except mine are older, about 7years ago my son was 15, and he messed up, well are relation ship started detrierating, well she has 2boys, but I would try to make the best of it and still call her, visit, invite her to lunch. One day I started realizing that I was doing all the effort to keep this friendship alive, I slowed down on the contact. well 3 1/2 years ago, my son messed up again and got locked up, I was devistated and needed a friend, when I told her about it she said she didn't want to be there for me. I accepted that, she has also talked about me to other people we know, which is a lot of petty stuff that doesn't really matter, it's just that she is doing it. well now we talk once a month if that. I just want to know should I shut this relationship off or what. I really love her but I know our friendship will never ever b the same. There is so much I didn't say because it's already long enuff but she has hurt me in other several occasions. Oh too my son and his girfriend had a baby, he was only 16, they also caused distance, I know another one of her friends sons got his girlfriend pregnant at 15, she also started slowing down on their friendship. I had cancer surgery and she didn't go see me at the hospital, and has only been to my house once, my surgery was 5months ago, and it's been 3months since her visit. ...I don't know please advise is this a friend or an enemy?

**stressed** · 03-29-2010 05:29 PM

If you still care about her as a friend, regardless of how she's been behaving or treating you, then you have to have a long talk with her. Tell her that your son messed up in the past but you still want her in your life and you miss her. That you understand her worries but you still want her friendship. Be open about it, as she seems overly worried about things that have happened. Ask her why she is so distant, make her open up to you.

Once this is done you will see if her behaviour has changed. If the discussion helped her get over the confusion. If she feels the same about you and wants to be your friend despite of what has happened, then you will know. If she is the same or disappears then you will know again. But then you would have done all you could and it wouldn't be up to you anymore.

**purplelicious** · 03-30-2010 10:08 AM

Hello Stressed and Thank You for your advise. The thing is, is that I have already comfronted her and asked her why she distant, last year when I noticed I was getting sick all the time and tired, when I didn't know I had cancer yet, her husband contacted me 3times more than she did, just simply asking how was I doing? how is the family and kids etc etc, I told her about that too, and she simply states she does make contact just not the way I want her too. I E-mail her every week just to say hi and wish her a happy week, I'll text her too....No response to anything. I am stuck...other friends tell me to shut her off, my family tells me the same thing..but I really don't know why I can't do that...I am stuck

**KMonte85** · 03-30-2010 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by purplelicious

ok I need more advise:
I have a handlful of really close friends, but out of that handful I feel one is not a true friend anymore, this friend has hurt me time and time again.

Originally Posted by purplelicious

One day I started realizing that I was doing all the effort to keep this friendship alive, I slowed down on the contact. well 3 1/2 years ago, my son messed up again and got locked up, I was devistated and needed a friend, when I told her about it she said she didn't want to be there for me. I accepted that, she has also talked about me to other people we know, which is a lot of petty stuff that doesn't really matter, it's just that she is doing it.

You are absolutely right that one is not a true friend anymore. She's barely put in any effort to be your friend, and has outright told you that she doesn't want to be a support to you when you need it.

I think you're on the right path with slowing down the contact. Friendship is very much like any other relationship, its a balancing act of give and take. Right now, she's just taking and is unwilling to give. You need to reciprocate at that same level. Be there for her only as much as she has been there for you, show the same amount of support for her that she has shown for you. And Use that positive energy and great friendship skills you have towards those other close friends in your group who actually deserve it, who are more equal in that relationship balancing act with you.

Not to say that you can't hang around with her, after all, she is in your circle of friends so you're bound to be in her presence occationally at get togethers, etc... so be nice, be civil, be an acquantance. That's all she really wants to be to you anyway, so show her the same level of friendship and spend your time you would have spent on her with your better friends

**stressed** · 03-30-2010 12:45 PM

Well, then, it doesn't look like she wants to hold on to that friendship anymore. You have tried your best but she doesn't seem interested for one reason or another. She's either too scared of the past, or too narrow-minded, or just doesn't have the same feelings about you anymore. Maybe she's too preoccupied with her family or herself. I suppose we can never know for sure why.

You can see her as an acquaintance but not a close friend anymore. It happens among friends, even best friends. Some times life and routine just take over and we neglect our friends, then one day wonder why we don't have any.

Don't feel stuck. You've done what you could and that shows you care. But it would only cause hurt to bang your head against the wall wondering why she's changed. Appreciate the friends who respect and love you as much as you respect and love them back. It's not worth feeling down over a friend who has changed so much. It's very sad that she didn't visit you at the hospital (if she could, that is).

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-30-2010 01:17 PM

You are one person.

Your children are their own individual people.

We do our best to guide them, but they ultimately will chose their own paths.

You said that she has two boys that are younger, I think she has fear. Fear of the above, and therefore, trying to ensure that her boys see as little as possible of the big World we live in, shelters them, in hope that they become what she has planned, set out for them, which is sad, because people are people and you love them un-conditionally.

It seems that's when she pulled away...

So, your friendship will only be back on track once all the boys are grown and living their own lives, whereby it's just you and her, your husband and her husband, that's alot of years to wait for a friendship back don't you think?

Having said that, people come into our lives for different reasons... My Mother always said you can count your friends on one hand in your lifetime, and you truly can.

It's those that stay with you through thick and thin, you can call a friend.

It's time to make lots of new friends... And, perhaps to tell your friend, we live in a World where people make their own choices no matter how hard we try to guide them, if she feels that your boys are a bad influence on her children and that's why she has decided to pull away, then she's not a true friend and it's sad that she has made such a decision for all those years you were together... She needs a reality check that you are one person... and it is /was you that she was friends with, and friends stick together..... and leave it at that for her to ponder.

CW

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