am i making a huge mistake???

**nubianqueen** · 03-31-2010 11:06 PM

I have a question for you guys: what do u do when ur bf comes to u and tells u he's not sure if ur relationship will last b/c he's not where he wants to be in life?? then when u do get honest with him saying that u dont wanna have to wait another 10 years for him to get to that point, he blows up at u, saying ur selfish, spoiled, etc etc, etc...? I told him that yes i dont wanna wait forever for u to get to that point (b/c somehow i feel like i am cheating myself if i do) but at the same time, i dont wanna get married knowing having a lot of uncertainty about the future. he continues to say hurtful things like how i supposedly dont think to highly of him (when that's not true at all).

Honestly, yes, we have fun together (most of the time) when we are together, but i feel like i am slowly detaching myself away from him emotionally. especially every time we have an argument.

I remember an earlier post talking about listening to one's gut or intuition. I feel like my inner gut is telling me that if i do marry him, i could be possibly setting myself up unhappiness down the line b/c of his family drama, his insecurities, among other factors. I guess in a way, i did feel like i saw this coming years ago, when i first met him, but kinda put it in the back of my mind hoping that things would change.

**Mes T** · 04-01-2010 12:12 AM

If he's not the guy you can see yourself happily spending the rest of your life with, then he's just not, and probably never will be.

Following your instincts on this one is NOT a mistake. It would be a mistake to "settle," in my opinion, and a tragic one at that!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-01-2010 12:20 AM

You've been together for years and he states he is not sure where the relationship will go because he doesn't know where he is in life.

Says.. I'm comfortable to leave it as it is for now, nothing better happening.

He creates arguments and puts it back on to you, your selfish.

Says.. I will not accept responsibility..

So if he's irresponsible, has no idea what he wants out of life, says hurtful things with no care at all, what does that tell your GUT FEELING?

I know what it's telling me...

We do settle. We don't need to.. We do it through fear of not finding someone else, bollocks to that, I'm proof.. and so.. we need to only know one thing, who we are, where we are heading what we want out of life, chuck that into the Universe and only accept the equal partner that walks our way.

CW

**nubianqueen** · 04-01-2010 01:04 AM

....and he later calls me talking about how much he loves me and all that other stuff....(like i knew he would). i just feel so bad about the whole situation... this relationship is not turning out the way i hoped it would. :-(

cw, he says he knws what he eventually wants to do, but he doesnt know how long it will take. i feel like ive been patiently waiting all this while...how much longer does he expect me to hang around??

**Maximus** · 04-01-2010 01:40 AM

Why where he wants to be in his life would affect the future of your relationship ? Unless he is planning to have a complete life change, change country for instance, and you could not come with for some reasons. I don't see why.

As most men get tense when the commitment discussion pops up its ugly head, I would suggest that you let him express his view, by leading him to it intelligently, or else he will clamp like a shellfish

Men's jaws usually tell what's going on inside

As for you wondering how long you have to "wait", you can turn the waiting into having a common project together, the type of project that makes the guy feel like he is working on something positive and permanent for both of you...

**nubianqueen** · 04-04-2010 07:53 PM

so after i talked to him, told him maybe we should take some time off.........he doesnt take it too well. question #1) is taking a break sometimes healthy for a relationship?? #2) i still feel like im making a huge mistake. how do u know if you very well could have let a good one go?? after voicing some of my problems, some of them he took well, others no so much....either way it goes, i feel like either decision i make could possibly be the wrong one. what do u do in that situation?? (if anyone has been in that situation??)

**Mes T** · 04-04-2010 08:44 PM

#1) My personal opinion is that if a couple needs to "take a break," that's a pretty good indicator that they're no longer compatible and may as well try to look for someone else. But then again I've never taken a break from someone and gotten back together before, so I haven't had first-hand experience...

#2) Yeah he might be a good one, but is he the best one for YOU? Is he what YOU specifically need in a partner?

I get the indecisiveness... many of us have been there... But whatever decision you make, TRUST yourself, your gut, instincts, etc, and stick with it! Be confident that you've made the best choice, and move on.

**nubianqueen** · 04-04-2010 10:01 PM

yes, I am feeling so indecisive right now!!! i know what I want, but I guess Im at the point now where i am concerned about many possible hypothetical situations. my biggest fear is that i will look back on my life ten years from now and wonder wth happened. I especially wonder if he is truly the one since i never really had a serious relationship like this one prior to him. therefore, i haven't seen what other guys are like to really know, that yeah, THIS IS THE ONE! i have almost always thought he was b/c he always treated me so well.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-04-2010 10:10 PM

I especially wonder if he is truly the one since i never really had a serious relationship like this one prior to him. therefore, i haven't seen what other guys are like to really know, that yeah, THIS IS THE ONE! i have almost always thought he was b/c he always treated me so well.

You hang off each other's words
You finish each other's sentences
You laugh and "get" each other's jokes
You can't wait to see him
You totally trust him and communicate everything without problems
You do things together
You have the same core values
You have the same dreams
You don't have to ask for help it's given,
He walks behind you and touches your shoulder without a reason
He text messages you just to say he loves you or misses you
You feel this feeling in the pit of your stomach when he's around
You love him for everything he stands for, how he thinks

You have to get at least 3/4 of those

Or else, you've settled

**Mes T** · 04-04-2010 10:12 PM

You know what, I was with this guy for 3 years who I thought was the LOVE of my LIFE (and he was, at the time)... When we broke up it was the most devastating experience, I thought I could never love again, never find someone as good as this one, etc.

It's only been 2 years since we've broken up, but I am SOOOO glad that that relationship is over. I really would have just "settled" if I had stayed with him, and I would have been very unhappy. I've changed SO much as a person, new hobbies, new outlook on life, new priorities... There's no WAY my ex could have been right for me a few years down the line, much less for the rest of my life.

If you already know what you need to do, and it sounds like you do, then just GO FOR IT girl, and don't look back! Go out there and experience other people. You might not hit the jackpot right away, but it will be such a good learning experience, and you'll really be able to figure out what you need from a guy.