Younger guy vs wanting children (and marriage)

**PetitePrincess1** · 04-03-2010 03:55 AM

I will be 33 in October and over the last 4 weeks I have started dating a guy who is 8 years younger. He will be 25 in October. In that time I have met all his friends, clients, boss, friends parents and we are going to his parents farm in a few weeks. He seems smitten - and I am really loving his company.

Age differences have never been an issue for me. I look very young, I have previously dated younger guys before and in those cases I have found them to be more stable, mature, fun, energetic, more pure and innocent and way more entertaining and vibrant than the guys I've dated that are my age and older.

The issue and the difference now - and what constantly causes me stress is that I am nearing my mid 30s, I am still at square one therefore I am really conscious about wasting time and missing the boat re: having children.

We haven't had the 'talk' yet but I know I need to somehow suss out this guys intentions and find out what his life priorities are re: children/marriage/settling down and if all sounds good then really hope that they don't change as he matures.

I would hate to 'waste' 2+ years on this guy only to have him 'realise' that he's not ready for marriage or kids and wants to travel the world or something then have to start over again and possibly find that is just too late to have children.

I guess I could have this issue with anyone of any age but I am so worried - I feel like I have to be so careful with who I get attached to nowadays.

I don't even know how to bring this up in a casual way without scaring him a million miles away.

So far he makes me so happy, all my problems just go away - but there is this constant nagging stressful feeling that I might regret 'wasting my time'. I am scared of getting closer and wasting my time and I'm not sure how to approach the subject at such an early time /it feels too early for such a serious chat.

Any advice on how to approach this situation would be greatly appreciated.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2010 06:32 AM

You are only 4 weeks into this. Why not give it a little more time? Surely there will be an opportunity to assess where he is on this.

Something to keep in mind - the big concern having children past 30 has been the risk of Downs Syndrome, many people (including some in the medical field) have failed to note research that found that it isn't just the age of the mother that contributes to this. The age of the father is equally a factor. The general assumption has been that a women is with a man her age or older. In that case the risks do go up, but if you are healthy, have no family history of downs syndrome and are with a younger man (who also has a clean family history on this), the risk is pretty low. This information has been out for nearly 20 yrs and yet seems to have slipped under the wire. You may be in a much better situation with this younger man than you would be one in his 30s.

**Mes T** · 04-03-2010 06:55 AM

Wow WC I didn't know that... Reminds me how throughout time women have been blamed for giving birth to girls when their husbands wanted boys or vise versa, and then it was discovered that the information that decides the sex of the child comes from the man's side!

And I agree, I think after just a little more time (a few more weeks at least), you'll get a good feel for what he wants in life, and HE'LL get a good feel for what YOU want, too.

In any case I'm sure he didn't go into this relationship oblivious to the possibility of you being worried about your biological clock.

And props to you for dating younger guys, I agree, they're better!

**PetitePrincess1** · 04-03-2010 03:14 PM

Yes that is very interesting re: the downs syndrome!

I see sooo many women having children after 36yrs old with no problem - I just really hope that I am one of those.

If the 'ticking clock' wasn't getting to me I would just go along and date this guy without a care in the world.

Or maybe look at getting my eggs frozen if Im still at square one in a year or two.

**PetitePrincess1** · 04-03-2010 03:19 PM

Ok I will try and date him completely carefree for 3 months (8 weeks to go now). I've found that the three month mark is usually when the cracks start to appear and you start to see snippets of the real them.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-03-2010 03:45 PM

I use to live next door to a 30 year old woman was married to a man in his late 60's/ early 70's and they had a baby with cerebral palsy. I remember wondering if his age had something to with that.

I've known women that had healthy babies in their early 40's and ones that had children with some (mild, actually) complications in their 20's.

Overall health before getting pregnant is probably the most important factor, along with family history.

My mom got pregnant with me at FORTY... and back then (the late 70's) they didn't seem to think it was a good idea and had potential risks to me. They told her it was best to terminate but she decided not to and I was a very healthy baby.

I understand your clock is ticking but truth is you can find anyone to give you a baby if its what you truly wanted... being with someone you enjoy and love to share in that experience with you is the optimal scenerio I'd think.

Sure he's a younger guy, so his goals may change... but if you were dating a 40 year old guy... his goals may change too in two years. You just never know. Don't think of it as time wasted, think of all this as time sharing in the life of someone whose company makes your day happy and better and makes you feel good.

If things are going to work out, they will... and you guys can determain if you're on the same path etc but after only 4 weeks... its way too soon to worry about the future in my opinion.

**jns** · 04-03-2010 10:46 PM

Does one of you, or both have a good income? In today's age, financial worries can derail even a great relationship, and having a child will add to that strain.

**PetitePrincess1** · 04-04-2010 12:24 AM

He has a good job and a good wage for his age (and a well off family as backup if anything goes horribly wrong). I have an above average wage with great maternity leave conditions and a very supportive family too - so age and money aren't going to be a problem for me.

It will come down to what his priorities are.

When we first met, he has just casually mentioned that he will be married with kids by 30 .....but I think that everyone in their mid 20s seems to have that 'married by 30 idea' then they get to that age and realise its not what they are ready for.

Seems like right now he is in the 'travel bug phase' as he worked overseas for 6 months last year, is actually overseas at the moment for a few weeks and he is planning to travel for 3 months at the end of the year. :s

Although he wants to plan two little week long trips with me over the next few months .....so if all goes well maybe I could be part of all the other longer term travel plans.

**WildChild** · 04-04-2010 07:29 AM

You are still very new in the relationship. Having children changes things. Too many people have them because they think they "should". I love my children more than I can express and they have enriched my life greatly but realistically they have also added a lot of challenge. I can tell you from experience that having children with the "wrong" man can make your life and their's pretty difficult.

If you want a child within a relationship you are simply going to have to give it time to develop. If you want a child regardless, then you may be better off going to a sperm bank and just doing it on your own. But understand that raising a child(ren) alone can be a real challenge, unless you can afford to hire someone you trust, you don't have any back up. But then if you are with the "wrong" man you may not have any back up and have him to care for as well.
You really have to think about this. don't let baby fever take over.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-04-2010 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by PetitePrincess1

He has a good job and a good wage for his age (and a well off family as backup if anything goes horribly wrong). I have an above average wage with great maternity leave conditions and a very supportive family too - so age and money aren't going to be a problem for me.

It will come down to what his priorities are.

When we first met, he has just casually mentioned that he will be married with kids by 30 .....but I think that everyone in their mid 20s seems to have that 'married by 30 idea' then they get to that age and realise its not what they are ready for.

Seems like right now he is in the 'travel bug phase' as he worked overseas for 6 months last year, is actually overseas at the moment for a few weeks and he is planning to travel for 3 months at the end of the year. :s

Although he wants to plan two little week long trips with me over the next few months .....so if all goes well maybe I could be part of all the other longer term travel plans.

The reason why you even posed this question is because your gut feeling (as it does) that intuition, has already answered you, as to where it is now.

PAST
PRESENT
FUTURE

Are three different words, with three different meanings.

I would wait out those three months, your right, all the cracks seem to be more evident if they are there. It will also allow you both time to grow, whilst you have to realise your heart will get closer and closer, as the bond develops more and more and it will be harder for you to let go, if that be the case, however, it will also allow him to see how he really feels about you, in the present and into the future.

His take is 5 years at present... You don't want to risk being 40+ for children.

He may change his mind and be happy at 27, in which case, it may still take you some time to conceive anyway but certainly gives you time...

The problem with knowing your gut feeling, from the inset, is sometimes, it boils down to the past/present/future and if you don't allow some time, in order for that next phase to be there, you can make the wrong choices.

And, the other problem, is if you give too much time and you are aware, that it's still too early for him to change to the present looking at the future, at an earlier note, your staying through the want and desire of not letting go of the relationship, so yes, 2.5 years will go by...

Stick to your plan ...

CW