Contemplating Open Marriage

**rennedeesse** · 04-08-2010 03:07 PM

I guess my problem is the confusion... I actually go to the gym 3 mornings a week at 4am before work. I go out with the girls, and I find that when someone interesting hits on me... it gets harder and harder to say no. Luckily so far other than the one person the interesting one's that I meet are not looking for a married woman, but if I am so tempted all the time, how can that be good for my marriage. My husband is great but I don't feel he is for me. He will make some woman a terrific catch. Or maybe what I do need is to get out there and see that the grass isn't greener and it will help me to come home permanently. I am so conflicted and confused. I guess time will help clear the waters.

**rennedeesse** · 04-08-2010 03:12 PM

Beautiful Disaster,

My perfect life would be to feel self fullfilled and to be in a relationship that enhanced who I am and not stifled it, it's not something my husband does intentionally it is just his suffocating nature. I feel compressed all the time. In my perfect world I would be indifferent to the attention of other men and my husband would feel the same about me. We would always be working toward a common goal and I would go to bed every night satisfied and challenged by the life I lead.

To be clear, I don't blame my husband for my inner issue, and it kills me that he will be the one hurt the most by it. I hope that through time with my therapist I can somehow heal whatever wound is inside me, but I don't know if the damage done to our relationship is already irreparable.

**LanaBear** · 04-08-2010 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by rennedeesse

I guess my problem is the confusion... I actually go to the gym 3 mornings a week at 4am before work. I go out with the girls, and I find that when someone interesting hits on me... it gets harder and harder to say no. Luckily so far other than the one person the interesting one's that I meet are not looking for a married woman, but if I am so tempted all the time, how can that be good for my marriage. My husband is great but I don't feel he is for me. He will make some woman a terrific catch. Or maybe what I do need is to get out there and see that the grass isn't greener and it will help me to come home permanently. I am so conflicted and confused. I guess time will help clear the waters.

So, just to play devil's advocate... You say, maybe going out and seeing that the grass isn't greener will help you come home permanently.

What happens if you find out the grass isn't greener, come home and now it is your husband who no longer wants you?

Personally, to me, you sound extremely lost and confused... I wouldn't going jumping into divorce to sleep with other men without continued counseling and support by your therapist and husband. If you think it is difficult and confusing now, imagine being a single mom. Those nights out with the girls... They may very well become a thing of the past as your children should come first, especially when they have to deal with the divorce just like the two of you do.

However, it does sound like you've pretty much made up your mind and are perhaps looking for justification of that decision.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-08-2010 04:45 PM

To be clear, I don't blame my husband for my inner issue, and it kills me that he will be the one hurt the most by it

I can see where my statement might have come across abit harsh, I apologize if that's so. I do understand what you mean about a "suffocating nature". It can be exhausting. And then you find yourself resenting nearly every move they make, even though you care about him and don't want him to hurt.

How old are you?

**rennedeesse** · 04-08-2010 05:09 PM

Beautiful Disaster... first let me thank you for your insight, I value your viewpoint and the questions you are asking are making me take a look at my situation from a different perspective. I am 36 years old I got married when I was 24. I wonder how I would feel if I came home and he didn't want me anymore. I know my ego would be hurt, and the fact that on many levels I do love him, those parts of me would hurt, I just can't put myself there. I haven't felt like a woman in so long... and it's not his fault, it just is.... that recently I have started to feel good again. One of the main things I want to work on in therapy is deriving my self confidence from within and not relying so much on external cues to feel good about myself. Your statement above was not harsh but I just wanted it understood that I know it's my issue not his. The suggestion of this arrangement is his attempt to hold onto me. I can't decide if I want to be held anymore. I thought I wanted a divorce but putting this option in front of me as he did has made me think... could we make it work... for the kids and for us. In some ways I have made up my mind but I think I could still change it when it came down to it. The affair I had was mostly communication and only physical once. After the one physical encounter I was so guilt ridden I actually cried right there in bed with him. It was awful. I know I sound immature and heartless. But all of the rationalizing I am doing by really thinking about all of your responses is helping me to work through how I really feel deep down. That is why I appreciate the discourse so much.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-08-2010 05:35 PM

You are most welcome.

You married young (or in my opinion it was young) and I'm sure it feels like a long time ago you were a single gal with the freedom to do as she pleases. And you may be thinking "I should feel grateful for what I have......so why am I unhappy?". But see, society paints us a picture of what things should look like and we spend our lives trying to conform to that painting. What you feel is felt for a reason...and I know you want that to disappear, but try to embrace it because that's the only way you'll figure it out.

Cheating is ALWAYS a mistake. And just because he says it's okay, it will still be cheating. And then you'll find yourself, the married mother, crying in the bed with a stranger.....again. I know your husband doesn't want to lose you, but at what cost is he willing to pay? I'm afraid it sounds like he doesn't love himself...and might lack the strength in character that it seems you're seeking right now. I know to some it sounds romantic that he loves you so much he's willing to suffer while you're with other men.......but to me it points to a serious dysfunction, a lack of esteem. Is he a passive personality?

I think you're looking in the wrong places. I think you think it's other men you desire and you're seeking that as a fix. But what you desire freedom. And you're interested when men hit on you, because they see something in you you don't see in yourself. The thought of being someone else, is a rebellion against your current life. ....because you feel "suffocated". It is our animal instinct when suffocated....to seek air.

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