Going to try to communicate some thoughts - good idea??

**Mes T** · 04-11-2010 04:42 PM

Over the months I've posted so many "issues" I've been having with the boyfriend, most of which are things that I imagine because I'm essentially a psycho and really need to consciously tell myself to relax sometimes.

One biggie has been me being uncomfortable with him having so many really close female friends. Yesterday we went on a picnic with some of them, and there was a woman who he'd met before briefly but reconnected with today... They seemed to have a lot in common and got along famously, and the bizatch more or less ignored me, which I did not find very nice.

I'VE never had close male friends because they've all wanted more, so I literally have no way of understanding how he can be close with all these women.

So tonight I'm thinking I should just... tell him WHY I think the way I do, and maybe ask for some kind of reassurance that he's interested in me and only me...

I just see him interact with all these other people and sometimes really wonder WHY he's dating me and not one of his friends.

Good idea? Bad idea? I don't want to come across as psycho, but I really want my feelings to be out in the open before my imagination truly runs away with me.

**LanaBear** · 04-11-2010 05:34 PM

If it's bothering you, then I see no reason why not... Tell him how you feel and give him a chance to respond.

IMO, honest communication is a big key to a relationship.

**Mes T** · 04-11-2010 05:38 PM

You're right. I just really need to be careful and not come across as insane.. uggghhh...

In my last relationship I had these same feelings, and I bottled them up until things exploded. Really trying to learn from past mistakes here.

**Texinator** · 04-11-2010 06:44 PM

I think it's a valid concern and you should be able to voice it and not keep it bottled up.

Some guys can have lots of female friends without problems, others want to hump anything that moves, so it really depends on the specific man.

**rcoreyus** · 04-11-2010 09:04 PM

Try to make it sound like you are jealous, but in a good way. That you think is is so attractive / sexy that you worry that the other women can't keep their hands off him.

Don't try to make him give up friends - that will only make him resentful.

Unless you have some reason to think something is going on, I don't think you should worry.

**Mes T** · 04-11-2010 09:07 PM

Okay.

No I definitely don't want to ever make him give anyone up.

Basically I just want to hear his side of things, how these friendships work for him. Because at the end of the day I trust him... but I don't trust my imagination.

**ocularone** · 04-11-2010 11:24 PM

Mes, i think it is perfectly acceptable to communicate what's going on inside your head. I am not sure what type of guy your boyfriend is, but i can honestly say that if my girlfriend were having those thoughts that you are, i would want her to be able to come to me and share them. This is kind of my thinking on the idea: No matter how small, petty, or juvenile of a thought she might think she is struggling with, it isn't small to me. If my girlfriend is being bothered by ANYTHING, it's never too small or too dumb to tell me. I also would love to know if she was struggling at all with jealousy so i could make sure to do whatever i could to put her at ease about it. And just in case you need to hear it from someone else: It's alright to be jealous. A healthy amount of jealousy i think is a huge part of a loving relationship. We will be jealous for the one we love. I am a confident, strong willed man who trusts my girlfriend more than anyone else in this world-but i still am jealous for her

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-12-2010 02:26 AM

Tell him how you feel. You can. He's your love, and you should be free to ask him for some reassurance

You already know you wouldn't ask him to stop being friends with anyone, so you shouldn't fear that you're going to say something regrettable.

You're not accusing him, your just curious and want a little bit of comfort. It sounds like you have behaved very secure and confident. You can talk to him about his friend ignoring you and how that made you feel. You can ask him if he ever feels like he'd be more compatible with one of the ladies he's friends with.

I can almost guess he didn't notice his friend ignoring you, and that he has no sexual interest in those ladies which is why he's able to comfortably maintain a friendship with them in front of you.

If he had feelings for anyone you'd sense it. Just like you'd sense if any of them had feelings for him. Obviously the witchy one must have some jealousy towards you the way she was behaving -- but that could be jealousy about wishing she were with him like you are , or just jealous of how pretty you are, you know how some chicks can be :P

You're not a psycho. If you were hanging out with guys all the time and one of the guys you hung out with was rude to him, he'd probably want to ask you about it, he might need occaisonal reassurance that you are happy with what you have and where you're at.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-12-2010 02:50 AM

I just see him interact with all these other people and sometimes really wonder WHY he's dating me and not one of his friends.

Man, Mes, I'm an oldy, with confidence, but also insecurities like everyone else

He's dating you because of YOU.. If you have to question that, then he doesn't express enough to you, he doesn't make you feel safe.

That's the key, you need to fee SAFE.

I'd only hold a conversation with him of how you can't be friends with males, because they all want some

And, how can he do it? As, surely some of those women really would ideally like to go out with him if only he wasn't madly in love with you

Exact conversation, words, is what I would use.

Don't let the women whom want your man, make you feel you don't have him.

This is between you and him.. Not them.. People will always "try" to change your mind, his mind, it's what you two have that will ensure they lose, you win.

Go for it Mes, but in that manor....

That type of conversation...

CW

**Mes T** · 04-13-2010 03:30 AM

Thanks you guys, you really gave me the confidence to go ahead and do it.

Like someone mentioned on here for someone else's problem, I decided to WRITE A LETTER and read it to him so I could say absolutely everything I wanted to. And after I read your post CW, I made some revisions to it.

And I'm glad I did!

So I read it to him and we ended up having a REALLY nice conversation about everything that was on my mind... He really put me at ease... We talked about differences in how we were raised and how we subsequently have gone through life and etc...

Anyway it was a really positive experience that probably brought us closer together (we're both a little bit bad about communicating things that bother us... hopefully this will help us feel more at ease with sharing unpleasant feelings in the future).

Moral of the story: communication really IS key!

I feel so much better. This isn't to say that I won't need more reassurance down the line at some point... but man I really do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.