How to Deal with Passive Men?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-13-2010 07:24 AM

I'm not passive, but every relationship I've ever had has ended up being with a passive man. Why? I dunno. It's not something I find attractive. Granted, they didn't display themselves as passive in the early parts of dating, but eventually the passive traits emerged.

When I identify someone as more on the passive side, I look for things like chronically forgetting things (as it's not actually forgetting but exerting a form of control by saying "I don't remember"....HIGHLY frustrating!)
resentment -it won't be resentment towards me per say because if they expressed resentment towards me, that would mean confrontation which the passive person DOES NOT want or deal well with. But resentment towards others, him: "He should have done this but he didn't", me: "Did you ask him about him?" him: "no", me: "then you're not being fair to him. You're expecting him to read your mind, to know what you want, and when he fails, you harbor resentment that he knows nothing about".
Victimization - him: "I went over there to see her and she just watched tv the whole time" me: "maybe something was on she was really enjoying. Did you try to talk to her?" him: "well no I figured if she wanted to talk to me she would and she obviously didn't."
Cryptic speaking/Ambiguity - This is where he doesn't say what he really means and the receiver has to try to "figure it out". Example: He gets his feelings hurt because you didn't invite him to a particular occasion (even though you knew he already had other plans), yet doesn't mention being upset until 5 days later when you have no reason to believe anything is wrong. On the next occasion he invites you somewhere and you politely decline as you have other plans. Him: "ok that's fine". Me: "Okay, does ok that's fine mean, "It's not really fine and I'm going to bring this up at a later date", or "it's really truly fine if you don't go this time" ??? Another side of this ambiguity is that no matter how blunt you are, no matter how black and white you spell something out for him, he will also try to decode your message assuming yours is as cryptic as his. He will then misunderstand and decode something that didn't need decoded, then say, him: "well why didn't you just say that?" me: "That's exactly what I said" him: "well I thought you meant _______________________" me: "the words that come out of my mouth are words I mean, there is no hidden message in my communication."

Because of my own personality style, as you can see from the above, I feel like I have to respond to what is said and open their eyes to a new "less passive" approach. But I find it to be exhausting. It also inhibits trust on my part, because I know that if the man is that passive in other areas of his life, then he's being equally if not more passive in our relationship...therefore, I never seem to know if what I'm hearing is an accurate portrayal of how he feels, is he really okay with something or just saying what he thinks I want to hear? In a relationship with a passive partner, a healthy argument (or debate) is virtually non existent......because they will often say they agree even when they don't. If you get angry, they will apologize, yet not think they're wrong 99% of the time they're apologizing. If you want to make plans as a couple, you will be totally responsible for those plans because the passive partner will not make plans because he's not confident in his ability to make "good plans".

So, I've read a lot of articles on how to deal with this personality style, since it seems to be either A. the majority of what's out there, or B. what I seem to attract. Most of the articles say basically what I've always done which is to try to avoid power struggles and open up certain situations for discussion to let them see another perspective. But seriously, it's pretty tiring in a relationship.

I'm interested to hear your viewpoints, experiences both with the passive partner, and AS the passive partner.

**Little** · 04-13-2010 08:28 AM

This type of man literally scares me and is a contributing reason to why I dated jerks for so long (isn't that kind of backwards?)
I cannot handle them, literally get into screaming matches with them regularly if they're my friends, and they don't stay my friends for long if they don't grow out of it. Thankfully, I have seen men grow out of these personality traits. It takes a LOT of time and a lot of developed self-confidence ... which by definition is hard for them to achieve.
In the end, I've basically had to cut these kinds of people out of my life. They're so contrary to who I am as a person it's irreparable. If I'm in a situation where I can't do that, like at work, I just humor them for as little time as possible and try to finish my duties elsewhere.

**LanaBear** · 04-13-2010 08:47 AM

Yeah, I agree with Little. Me and passiveness are like trying to make oil and water mix, it won't ever happen. For that matter, not only men, but even women, I cannot stand passive people in my life. They literally frustrate me to know end.

**Little** · 04-13-2010 09:04 AM

I would have mentioned women too but I couldn't think of any specific examples, but two guys I know from high school immediately jumped to mind. I usually just call it the "nice guy complex."

**LanaBear** · 04-13-2010 09:27 AM

I've gotten pretty lucky, or maybe it is the profession I'm in, but I have very few passive coworkers or clients. It's pretty much the exact opposite right now. Egos, the "I'm right, you're wrong" complex, and drive me insane sales guys who could sell ice to eskimos (at least they work for the same company). But it all gives me the challenge that I thrive off of.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-13-2010 09:40 AM

If a female has a dominant personality... she does tend to attract passive men as they seem to be the most attracted to a dominant woman.

A lot of really dominant males seem to prefer women in more passive role and will pass on extremely dominant females as they don't crave the power struggle.

Where as a submissive man wants a woman to take charge so he will be drawn to confident aggresive dominant females.

2 passive people wouldn't get much if anything done. And 2 dominant people would bump heads constantly.

A lot of dominant men do like the challenge of a dominant female but from what I tend to notice: really strong alpha male types seem to lose attraction towards women that carry those same dominant traits.

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 09:43 AM

I have a pretty dominant personality and for some reason I have had a good mix of both types of men. I'd say I'm probably 75% dominant and 25% passive and I'd say the new beau is probably 50/50... I dated a guy once who never had any opinions, never wanted to discuss things or stand up for himself or whatever and we broke up almost predominantly for that reason. I think people can learn to be less passive but it takes work. I used to be much moreso, but thanks to a lot of failed relationships and law school I've learned to speak my mind

I can't stand when people dont' even *try* and then they just want to go on and on and on about it... suck it up, do it, or quit complaining...

Although I do not do well with people who are quite as strong willed as I am so I do require some level of even balance with the passiveness since I am such a strong personality... Anyway, the whole point is that I understand your frustration, and I think he can change, but yes, it is exhausting trying to change someone like that... I've done it to that extreme once and I don't think he got it till after we broke up, and still not entirely...

I feel your pain

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-13-2010 09:45 AM

I just think that if you want your man to be more confident and assertive, it might require you to take a backseat and let him lead. To allow yourself to be passive and let him handle the plans even if they are don't go the way you want.

In other words if you constantly step up and take over to make things go smoothly he doesn't really have a reason to do it.

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

If a female has a dominant personality... she does tend to attract passive men as they seem to be the most attracted to a dominant woman.

I totally agree HD... I do think some of it just happens.. If you get too people who are EXACTLY alike together for long, most of the time it's not going to work... I find if someone is WAY towards one end of the spectrum, their spouse often is towards the other... BUt I think it's like that with lots of things.

Example: I don't feel like my beau plans ANYTHING like hardly EVER... BUT honestly I don't mind because I ask his opinion if I am making a decision for both of us and I LOVE to take charge and plan so it's a good combo...Sometimes however, you do have those moments when you're like "how can you be so go with the flow all the time??"

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-13-2010 09:49 AM

Oh yeah, it can most definitely apply to women too. But in my life, so far, it has been predominantly a trait common to the men in my life. And although they all have these common frustrating traits, they have some other traits that are great and unique to them. Like my current BF, he's kind hearted, sweet natured, a giver (and doesn't seem to resent all his efforts, though who knows!!

), always wants to be involved and helping with something. So there are some great qualities there too. But the passive personality............it IS exhausting, and it's exhausting no matter who I'm dating.

HD, that's definitely a great assessment of why certain types are attracted to some and not others. I have always sort of felt like guys like my current BF are attracted to me for the very reasons you said. And perhaps thats why they put on the "non passive" face in the beginning so that I will be more attracted to them? My current guy was sassy, independent, smart mouthed, when I first started seeing him. I was attracted to that because I felt he was someone who would challenge me. someone I could converse with, learn from, etc. But oh that quickly changed and Mr. Passive emerged once we got into a relationship....just like all the other guys I've dated, except I'm pretty sure my current is the most passive of them all. I think they're growing them more passive these days. hehe.

There must be a happy medium in relationships. There's just gotta be some sort of medium ground for two people, enough of both qualities to really compliment each other, but also enough differences to help one learn from the other etc.