"The talk"

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 08:03 AM

Okay so why is this such a big deal to people?? I feel like people constantly are asking me if the beau and I have had "the talk". Even my therapist asked about it...

Why is it such a big deal?? is it really not official until you have some talk about it being official? I mean, I know in the past, I have dated people who I should have asked that question earlier on because in reality, I knew the answer, and I needed to end it. BUT I know we are happy and things are good, so why do people always look at me funny when I tell them, no we haven't but I know we're exclusive??

**pretzel** · 04-13-2010 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

Okay so why is this such a big deal to people?? I feel like people constantly are asking me if the beau and I have had "the talk". Even my therapist asked about it...

Why is it such a big deal?? is it really not official until you have some talk about it being official? I mean, I know in the past, I have dated people who I should have asked that question earlier on because in reality, I knew the answer, and I needed to end it. BUT I know we are happy and things are good, so why do people always look at me funny when I tell them, no we haven't but I know we're exclusive??

Sometimes words aren't necessary to convey one's feelings.

This is between you two. If other people ask, say yes.

You both know it (right?) so it's been talked about.

**KMonte85** · 04-13-2010 08:11 AM

People will always analyze the status of your relationship, and it never ends...

The people giving you carp about having the talk now, will bug you after you've had the talk about when you're getting engaged. And if/when you get engaged, they'll bug you about when's the wedding. And when the wedding happens, those same people will pop up again and bug you about when you're having a baby... and then the next baby, and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda, so on and so forth.

Tell those buggers they need to buzz off. Its your relationship, and if you're happy with where you are, don't feel pressure to have "the talk" because someone else thinks you should. If you ever want to have a conversation with him about where you are now and how you see each other in your future, then you'll have that conversation at that time.

As you've said, you knew when you should have had the talk in past relationships, this one will be no different. You'll know if/when you want to have that conversation. Until then, be happy where you are (because it seems like things are going great) and don't push any "talk" to relieve others' anxieties about your relationship status.

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 08:13 AM

Thanks Pretzel. I think it just drives me crazy, because I want to be like, "this isn't high school." I don't know. it's like when they ask I have this moment when I'm like "does he want to see other people?" (total insecurities on my part) and then I have to shake myself and remind myself that it's about us not about them. But it's annoying!!

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 08:16 AM

Thanks KM! I know things are good. I am very happy. We constantly talk about the future. Not in a "when we get married" sort of way, but about next year and next summer and our careers and what we should do about this or that. It's very reassuring to me and I see no glimmer of any signs that maybe we wouldn't be together. I dont' remember the last time I really felt that way, but it's been several years.

It seems to be mostly people I know that were younger or that have always felt the need to do that, but I feel like me asking would be simply because of someone else or letting my insecurities get the best of me. I don't want to do that just because someone else makes me feel like I have to follow some designated path...

**pretzel** · 04-13-2010 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

Thanks KM! I know things are good. I am very happy. We constantly talk about the future. Not in a "when we get married" sort of way, but about next year and next summer and our careers and what we should do about this or that. It's very reassuring to me and I see no glimmer of any signs that maybe we wouldn't be together. I dont' remember the last time I really felt that way, but it's been several years.

It seems to be mostly people I know that were younger or that have always felt the need to do that, but I feel like me asking would be simply because of someone else or letting my insecurities get the best of me. I don't want to do that just because someone else makes me feel like I have to follow some designated path...

Remember, you don't have to do this just because you feel the need to satisfy someone else's curiosity.

KM's right, if you feel the need to tell them to bug off, tell them.

You know it, he apparently knows it,

People tend to be naturally curious. Some are curious out of purely benign reasons, others out of getting enjoyment for your happiness, but others just to fulfil their own want not to be left out.

Just take these questions with the grains of sand they deserve. Realistically the only people who really have the right to know where the relationship is going are the ones you want to know.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-13-2010 08:41 AM

I think it's nonsense. KMonte's right, it will ALWAYS be something...and nows the time to really learn to brush it off. It's that "societal" standard I have often ranted about. You're "supposed" to do one thing or another, you're "supposed" to follow the same pattern that someone somewhere along the way decided was the right way. And when you don't, people will bug the ever living daylights out of you.....just like they do me because I'm 27 and unmarried, not looking to get married etc.

Does verbalizing something make it so? Umm, no.

If it's so, then it's so......without saying a word.

It's all about training the mind to be okay with the heart. Your heart feels good, right? Its your mind that puts a damper on that. So don't allow others to inflict negativity into your mind.

And when they try, simply smile and say "Oh I'm sorry, I thought people quit doing the whole "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend check yes or no thing" in high school. BUT, if you're asking if we're exclusive and extremely happy..then the answer is most definitely yes."

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-13-2010 08:56 AM

I think they are well meaning, but yeah, need to mind their own business and relationships :P

I guess their fear is that if there is no verbal acknowledgement it leaves the door open for him to cheat and say 'well, i never said i wasn't going to see anyone else'.

But a quality person won't cheat whether or not they made a proclaimation of being exclusive and a non quality person is going to cheat even if they made that promise to be faithful.

Does he introduce you to family, friends, co-workers as his girlfriend? If so, that alone says how he see's the relationship. Do you refer to him as your boyfriend?

Do you want an established relationship with him or do you want to date him and have it stay at that?

**kygirl** · 04-13-2010 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I think they are well meaning, but yeah, need to mind their own business and relationships :P

I guess their fear is that if there is no verbal acknowledgement it leaves the door open for him to cheat and say 'well, i never said i wasn't going to see anyone else'.

But a quality person won't cheat whether or not they made a proclaimation of being exclusive and a non quality person is going to cheat even if they made that promise to be faithful.

Does he introduce you to family, friends, co-workers as his girlfriend? If so, that alone says how he see's the relationship. Do you refer to him as your boyfriend?

Do you want an established relationship with him or do you want to date him and have it stay at that?

On the gf/bf thing. Not really but I know he talks about me a lot with people and everyone knows we're seeing each other. For example, we went to a play downtown one night that a coworker was going to be there and she wanted to meet me. I know he's told his mom that he's seeing me, etc. I have in passing used the word boyfriend when he's not around, but when I introduce him I usually just say this is ____. I don't really feel the need to preface. I do want to have an established relationship with him. I mean, we talk about things in "we" all the time. How should "we" handle this, etc? I don't think we're anywhere near talking about *really* spending our lives together, but for the foreseeable future, we talk about things together. Where we should travel, where we should live, how we should win the lottery, etc.

I guess I just feel like it'll happen. There are no signs that it wouldn't. He knows I want to get married someday and have kids and all that jazz. He's still here. and he in no way gets that "deer in headlights" look if I mention something about the future. Often, he brings it up.

**grrrr** · 04-13-2010 09:25 AM

you know what's funny? I've found that a lot of the people who are so curious about the status of friends' relationships are the people who are insecure about their own, or have a track record of choosing to be with the wrong people.

KM is right, and in your gut you know where your relationship stands, and you don't need these people to question you and fill your mind with the clutter of doubt - and really? your therapist is questioning you about this? That's just over the top annoying!

It appears that you have a good head on your shoulders - you've known in the past when the relationship is not the right fit - your gut has steered you right in the past - I'd just stick with that feeling.... You know yourself better than anyone, afterall!