Friend and online infidelity

**azariah** · 04-15-2010 06:29 AM

I have a friend. In the last few years I have witnessed her falling head over heals with a restaurant manager, claiming he goes out of his way for her and she was smitten with him.

She talked of him non stop about what to do about him and how to approach him etc. Later he left and that was that.

Then she met a guy on line with whom she lied to about who she was. they got a long royally and this on line relationship turned into an emotional one with love notes and other things floating back to one another. They talked all the time. My friend then told him the truth. tat she was in an unhappy marriage, what she really looked like etc and after a little while the relationship terminated.

Then there was a friend of the family that she became interested in due to his commneta about her and knwoing he was single and they had similar interests....Now she has two friends with whom she corresponds with in chat, messengers, emails and even telephone calls.

She is in a seemingly empty marriage and talks as if the only thing that she finds solace in is speaking to these people. She bought a net book just so she could talk to them at lunch. She hides her netbook and does not ever let her hubby know.

She comes here sometimes claiming to want to spend time with me but spends it talking on line to these two fellows. She talks about how nice they are and how they have great convos and deep conversations about life and other things. She always asks me to tweak her pic to look like how she told them that she looked like. She does not tel them the truth.

None the less. I believe she is addicted and caught and though it may appear that she gets much from these on line relationships, she always ends up feeling depressed and sad.....She needs help but does not respond well to my little comments and advice......What do I tell her.

How can I help her. I want to be her friend but I also don't want to allow her to do something I myself have a problem with. She feels alone and depressed. oo much to say really.

Basically she has relationship on line that she seems to NEED and goes out of her way to talk to them. Taking days off work claiming need of a break, buying a netbook behind her families back, buying calling cards to clal these people when not working or not at home.

She comes here claiming to want to spend time here but spends it all on line chatting.She is depressive and loosing enjoyment in work which she once claimed was her shelter from her loveless marriage, home, family and seems only focused on the high she gets talking to these people. how can I help her. what do I say......

**KMonte85** · 04-15-2010 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by azariah

I believe she is addicted and caught and though it may appear that she gets much from these on line relationships, she always ends up feeling depressed and sad.....She needs help but does not respond well to my little comments and advice......What do I tell her. How can I help her. I want to be her friend but I also don't want to allow her to do something I myself have a problem with.

To be honest, there is very little you can do for her. She seems to enjoy spinning her little webs of deceit and living out the drama that come from it. There is something that she likes about it, or else she would have stopped already. She's still married, albeit unhappily, but she's put more effort into living a soap opera than in either fixing or ending her marriage and moving on to a healthy and realistic relationship. You've tried talking to her, and she didn't take your advice well because she doesn't want to change what she's doing. She's choosing that lifestyle, and you do not have to like it, but you also can not control what she does. All you can do is control how involved you are in her dramatic lifestyle.

If you're uncomfortable with what she's doing, you should not be helping her alter her pictures and allowing her to contact these people while she is in your presence. That is just inconsiderate towards you, and you can put a stop to that by telling her "no". She should also be told that you no longer want to hear anything about her inappropriate relationships and conversations she has outside of her marriage. It's as simple as that - don't enable her. She's going to get mad, and she may pull away from you out of anger, but you will then realize what kind of a friend you really have in her, and can start considering if she's someone worthy of being your friend.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-15-2010 07:49 AM

Rent the documentery 'talhotblond' , watch it for yourself. Then share it with her. It might give her some perpsective on just how very real these fantasies can become and not in a good way. Its of course a very extreme circumstance. If you do watch you might not understand how it could relate to your friend until the end of the movie. I don't want to give anything away. But seriously, seeing something like that may help her realize the impact lies online can have.

**grrrr** · 04-15-2010 04:36 PM

She's a psysiopath. Don't feel bad for not wanting to participate. It seems like she's just waiting to get caught.... and when she does, that's when the "real games" will begin.

You're not responsible for her, just remember that.

**azariah** · 04-16-2010 09:19 AM

Thanks sounds like this could help me to say the things I wish to say.....

looking forward to it.....I will tell u what i think later..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 02:09 PM

She's a psysiopath

? I don't see that at all and where's your compassion grrrr

Her problem is not just with her marriage, it's deep down within herself.

She does not like who she is, what she looks like, yes, there I agree, she is living in a fantasy world and that can be very dangerous. For her mentally and also, should one day, someone turn around and say " I don't care" and "let's meet" and she meets in a place that is not safe...

So firstly, I would be warning her of the dangers that she is risking and making over the internet, by lying... and never, ever, to ever, meet anyone on line, in a private place.

Secondly, she needs to understand we are all beautiful and soulsearch herself ,get her hair died for instance, lose a little weight if she is over weight, have goals, tell her "she has dreams" or else she wouldn't be trying to find something she doesn't have. So to write down 3 goals for her personally, that she wants personally and maybe even die her hair, and go with her, on that journey, shopping or to the hairdressers.

It's obvious that she is down and out and is searching badly for some form of happiness and that's she not happy in her marriage.

Why then is she staying within it? For safety? Financially? Children? Point out to her that the only way she can find happiness, is to fix her marriage or walk from it but to hide behind a person she is not, to try to find it is not going to work and will bring her down further, as it is doing, as she confesses about herself, only to lose again...

It's like a cycle... she starts at the beginning with the same ending.

She cannot find what she is looking for, being married, other than a fling, which it seems maybe, she is not trying to obtain, rather, people, men telling her she is beautiful and professing love... that off which it seems she is not getting from her husband.

So she has to fix the problem, not try to skirt around it to be happy.

Then work on herself.

CW

**azariah** · 04-16-2010 03:06 PM

WOW. Thanks so much. I just learned how to respond to posts..lol...But I was going to mention that she was not a psycho path

and that I could not do anything for her was not true. I was not seeking so much as an opinion but a peaceful and proper things to do or address aside from abandoning her. She is a real sweet gal

who has been very unhappy for a long time. her unhappiness gets worse each day and so far lately it seems it shows when she is on line, which I believe makes her feel worse after...Like guilty and ashamed but she justifies the actions by saying they are nice ad care about her and she loves learning about others....I kept telling her that she needs to make a decision but just kind of ignores as I ma sure it overwhelms her to hear it and she knows it.......Thanks so much.....I am going to watch the documentary the other member mentioned, I will stop enabling her by allowing her to come and chat at my place and I will try to be more upfront and honest with her myself......I was angry the other day and it seemed like I was angry at her for using me and lying to me...............................but I realized it was myself I was angry at for thinking that a good friend listens and agrees and basically is kind and accepting all the time regardless but I realized that I was not a friend. I listen joyfully when she talks about these men...I let her come over......and i don't ask questions or tell her how I truly feel from fear I will lose her or that she will go into deeper depression..Anyway.thanks for a kind refreshing response and everyone else who posted, thanks for your response as well.....I will keep this topic posted with results......Thanks everyone..have a great weekend.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 03:18 PM

I was angry the other day and it seemed like I was angry at her for using me and lying to me...............................but I realized it was myself I was angry at for thinking that a good friend listens and agrees and basically is kind and accepting all the time regardless but I realized that I was not a friend.

Na, you were angry at her for using you and lying to you

But, the fact is, a true friend " understands" and "never judges" her friend.. They may be lost and need guidance that's all... But, a true friend also points out, their feelings, they just don't change their friendship.. acceptance.. for ... who ... you ... are...

So don't be frightened to tell her your there for her, you are there for her to vent, and to listen.. You'll try to guide her until she is ready to take the steps she needs to take for herself, but you won't judge her. But, also, nor will you be used, or lied to, you are her true friend.. So she can come and vent, but not to use your home, to put you in the picture of something that you don't feel comfortable with and disagree with, as all you want for her is, happiness, not the pain she is going through

Have a great weekend too sweet...

CW

**azariah** · 04-17-2010 04:15 PM

Thanks a lot....I will talk to her soon....I agree...........I see how much pain she is in and all I wish to do, is to be a good friend to her and myself.......Sometimes those two things get confused...I am not confused as much now thanks to posting here.......

You are really great at sharing your knowledge.......and knowledge is nothing except if shared....i hope i can do the same for others when I post..............Right now...Just thanks....

**azariah** · 04-19-2010 07:06 AM

So I am planning to speak to my friend but I am starting to feel sick about it.
Though I was and am concerned for her, the times she speaks of these people so enlightened and happy about it I listen with enjoyment and encouraged her to talk more about these people. I thought that somehow I could get her to realize that there is nothing wrong with having friends on line or chatting. That is perfectly normal and acceptable. I wanted her to realize this so that she would not feel she had to hide it from her husband. She mentions that her husband would kill her if he found out and that she almost got caught before....I realized that she was worried because she was doing something that she herself knew was wrong. I did not stop her or mention my feelings about it all because I was trying to figure out how I could help her and at the time, i thought listening and encouraging her was the best thing. She claims to have no one to talk to like she can with me so i did not want to ruin that. i am glad that she is comfortable talking with me but I think it is because I did not express my feelings of negativity about it all. I just assumed that the reason she can't talk to anyone is that maybe they would express their feelings about it and tell her that she had to stop and get help......I just wanted to be a good friend and not seem judgmental....I think I only encouraged her. I have told her she needs to get counselling or find someone to talk to about all she feels (depressed, empty, loveless marriage....on line chatting..) I have mentioned that she has to make a choice and decide what she wants. I mentioned that nothing would change in her until she herself decided to do something and change. The other day she was over and asked if I minded if she was on the computer and I said NO. I meant it. I don't mind. But I minded that she said she wanted to come over and get a way for awhile and spend time with me, not chatting the entire time....I could not say anything. I have a problem with this sort of thing. I have a problem saying what i feel from fear she would get deeper depressed or leave the relationship. I have my open relationship issues I have to work on. None the less, despite it all, I want to help her. Should I apologize for encouraging her. Should i first tell her i am sorry i did not make my feelings clear? I want to help her so much and I love her dearly but I don't want her to feel betrayed.....I messed up I think....How do I start over....What should I say....She is so dear to me but I see I have made things worse with my own actions.....I do think I was more mad at myself for not saying what I felt from the start. My own problems with relationships have gotten in the way of being a true friend. I feel awful and now I feel like I cant really help.....Arhghghghghg....Should I first apologize and tell her these things first. I am not sure what to do.....lol
A never ending saga brought on by constant analysis of myself my actions and words and hers......Constant.......I want to stop reeling in circles here and do something to help her as I fear she is getting deeper into the problem and with her depression.....Can you throw me another rope, please.