I never know the truth...

**carolina28** · 04-15-2010 03:33 PM

I have been involved with a man for along time, we have children, a life, everything, but trust.

From the beginning, he has lied about various things, and I never know why. He will lie about what he is doing on trips, who he spends time with on trips-even when it would not be a big deal. He recently lied about visiting an old college friend, telling me he wasn't going to, it would be weird to go without his family (me and the kids). He was out on a business trip. Then a month after that trip, I went to open up facebook, and his came up with a message, from this old college friend, about how it was good to see him when he was out on this business trip. Then the other day, he had got a friend request from this lady we used to know years ago. He told me he got a friend request from her, but that was it, but a week later, when I was sitting next to him, he opened up the page where it has the friend requests listed, and she had included a message along with the request saying, "You've been on my mind a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about you..." and how she wasn't sure he'd accept the request. I was shocked to see that, and shocked that he didn't tell me about this note that went with it. He kept saying, "I told you I got a request from her". I felt he left off relevant information about the request. I have found so many lies, I don't even know the truth of our life anymore. I don't know what to do. Is a lie like a cockroach? Every one I find, is there 10 more I haven't?

I am so unhappy, and I don't trust him. I just worry I am being silly, and I should let things go. But it has been an almost consistent pattern of various lies for 10 years...

**Mes T** · 04-15-2010 05:28 PM

If he lies about big and little things, he could be a "compulsive liar," which is a mental problem. My ex used to have this. He would lie about the most ridiculous things... He was 22 when we met but told me he was 21. What difference does 1 year make? None. But he was just felt a compulsion to lie about it.

Without trust, there is no relationship - we all know this.

Why are you still with this man?

**ocularone** · 04-15-2010 07:58 PM

I was thinking the same thing Mes was. Sounds to me like he could possibly be a compulsive liar. I've known several throughout my life and he definitely seems to be fairly on point with that....He could either be lying about nothing and has a problem. Or sometimes people do lie a lot for no GOOD reason but are not compulsive liars. Sometimes people lie to protect themselves..even when there is nothing to be protected againt. Then obviously there are people who lie to cover up what theyre really up to. What you may perceive as no reason to lie about a certain subject, it could not be the case to him. You may think its no reason to lie about going to see his college friend..but to him he could have lied for a very good reason. Like doing other things on that trip that if you found out about, it wouldn't be good for him. I'm not saying he has done that. I am just pointing out the fact that he could still be lying to cover his trail of things he has done/is doing. Strip it all away and the constant fact still remains: He is lying to you and there is 0 trust in the relationship. For either of you. You don't trust him because, well, he is a liar. And he obviously doesn't trust you enough to even tell you the truth. Honestly i believe there can be no real love with the absence of mutual trust. To answer your question-- You definitely are not "just being silly". Your concerns are more than merited and if I were you I don't think i would have even stayed around for 10 years...

**carolina28** · 04-15-2010 08:39 PM

I never thought about him being a compulsive liar. If he lies, he will say because it was easier. But whenever I find out the truth, it turns into a huge fight, how is that easier? I get blamed for a lot of the lies too. That he didn't want to fight with me...I just don't feel like I know the truth of my life.

I've stayed out of convenience, and because of the kids. We've been having a lot of problems in the last 6 months, and I've said I want to go, but I don't. I wish I knew why.

Thank you for your thoughts, it is nice to know I am not being silly about this, that it is in fact, a huge problem.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-15-2010 08:44 PM

I use to have a friend in high school that was a compulsive liar. She would lie about things that didn't even matter. Some lies served no purpose, they didn't make her look better, they were'nt to cover anything up... it was as if she either couldnt seperate fiction from non or just simply refused to.

I don't know if your signficant other is a compulsive liar or not but it sounds like he definitely shows some symptoms of being one. Lying when the truth would hold no ill consequence is very odd behavior. A lot of people will lie to save their own skin, but not many feel comfort in lying... so they don't do it when there isn't a reason to.

Have you confronted him on his inhibility to tell you the truth? I remember when we'd confront that high school friend of mine she would act shocked that we could accuse of her of things and would lie right in our face over things she knew we KNEW were lies and said them with such conviction. We were able to prove that she had lied and she would ignore it and keep adding more lies.

It would be interesting to know if you have confronted and what his reaction was to the confrontation. Does he lie to other people in his life? Have any of his friends or family taken issue with his lies or are they strictly told to you?

Do you have any reason to doubt his fidelity? Aside from the lying, I mean is he gone for periods of time that he can't explain, does he hide his phone and act secretive in any way? How is your sex life? Is he affectionate and loving? How is the relationship outside of the lies? I mean the lies are probably making up for a huge portion of your dissapoints but are there any other issues?

Do your children notices his lies as well?

I'm just trying to get an understanding if he has compulsive lying tendencies or if he is playing cover up for something else he has going on it, be it affairs, drugs, gambling, something he is not proud of sharing with you. I'm not saying it has to be one of those things, or trying to drive you into more fears.

Perhaps he doesn't want to tell you the truth about which friends he see's, even though he's doing nothing wrong... just because he fears it will cause you to worry. Not a reasonable justification, just a possible reason for the lies.

Have you gotten upset in the past when he visited friends? Have you ever gotten angry about females adding him to facebook?

**Mes T** · 04-15-2010 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Perhaps he doesn't want to tell you the truth about which friends he see's, even though he's doing nothing wrong... just because he fears it will cause you to worry. Not a reasonable justification, just a possible reason for the lies.

Have you gotten upset in the past when he visited friends? Have you ever gotten angry about females adding him to facebook?

There's something to this.

Growing up, my parents would make a HUGE deal about (it seemed like) anything I brought up. Whether it was asking permission to stay with a friend over the weekend, telling them my choice of university, hinting that I wanted a certain something on the expensive side for my birthday... For all of these things and countless more, they would EXPLODE at me rather than sit me down and tell me calmly that no dear, we cannot afford to buy you that keyboard this year, maybe next time, I hope you'll understand.

They just seemed to have such communication issues with me, always assuming the WORST when I tried to bring something up.

This has led me to be terrified of telling them various things, and I still have this fear with them as an adult. It has trickled a little bit into my relationship with my boyfriend... I would wait til the last minute to tell him of my weekend plans, dreading his reaction (of course he never reacted badly, it was just something ingrained in me growing up).

So I'm thinking there's a chance your man might have anxiety telling the truth for fear of how you will react.

**carolina28** · 04-15-2010 09:08 PM

He goes and visits his parents, but I know he is there. I don't think he'd cheat, but then seeing that message from that lady on the friend request caused me to pause. He said he wasn't holding on to it, but he hadn't hit the ignore button.

Outside of the lying, our life is divided. If I never question him, or his motives, he is fine-thus we're fine. If I have a problem with him, or something he has done, it will turn into a huge multi-day fight/cold shoulder/avoidance. I feel like, if I act like a Stepford Wife, we're totally fine. He is happy, affectionate, loving. But the second we get into an argument, it is aggressive. He will call names, make fun of me, tell me he will never be honest with me, say some nasty hurtful things. Because of that side, when we are affectionate, I am almost shut off. I don't enjoy kissing, or other things.

I have confronted him, and he will act upset that I found out he lied. Then he gets aggressive and turns on me, why was I snooping, etc. Then a month or so later, he will actually say, "I don't think I lied about that" or say I am making it up, or it didn't happen like that. Even if I confront him with the exact wording of what he said, what I found. He will dismiss it with, "I don't remember it being like that". He doesn't tell me his interactions with other people, so I'm not sure about the lying. He is extremely superficial in his other interactions.

I don't care if he has female friends on facebook, he has several that I don't know. I do worry what sorts of emails would be exchange. What upset me about this specific instance was, when we were first dating, I found an email to this woman and he wrote, "I just want you to know I've been thinking about you, and I love you". So, when I saw this, I thought, she can't get him out of her mind?!? Has there been other communications that would lead to her writing this?

**rcoreyus** · 04-15-2010 09:44 PM

He might be a compulsive lier. Another possibility is that he fees that you react too strongly to truths you don't like. Yet another is that he is really covering something up.

It is really hard to tell which .

**p3375** · 04-16-2010 01:37 AM

[QUOTE=Hopeless Dork;181091]I use to have a friend in high school that was a compulsive liar. She would lie about things that didn't even matter. Some lies served no purpose, they didn't make her look better, they were'nt to cover anything up... it was as if she either couldnt seperate fiction from non or just simply refused to.

I too had a friend in h-school who did this. I learned after a while to not trust anything she said or to expect wild exagerations. Our friendship remained thru h'school 'cause I was willing to put up with it.

'course I wasn't building a life, raising kids, sharing my body (my health) and my future with her either. Had no real investment in her other than a loose friendship. I don't think I could stay in a relationship with the person you've described.
P

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-16-2010 07:13 AM

I, as many here can I'm sure, can attest to the fact that a ANY relationship without trust is basically H e double L on earth. Having to question in your mind everything someone tells you, is a horrible feeling. And yes, at some point you start to feel like you're crazy, obsessed, jealous, insecure........ even though your feelings are 100% totally warranted.

If he can't tell you the truth about little things, then you're very right to KNOW that he won't tell you the truth about big things.

As my parents always told me..."Why lie if you have nothing to hide?".

You're done. You're done with this relationship because the negativity his lying puts into your life has exhausted you. You're done because you've realized you don't want your children to grow up to think lying is the right way. You're done because you want your children to have better relationships than one with no passion, no trust, no affection. You're done.....and thats okay. Now what's next for you and your kids?