Huge Issue w/ Best Friend & Boyfriend

**edesigner** · 04-16-2010 11:09 AM

I really don't know what to do. Me and my friend have been friends for over 15 years. I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years with some break ups in between. My friend does not like my boyfriend at all for the way he treated me in the past, and that's understandable.. I get that. She doesn't want to be around me when I'm with my boyfriend and I'm with him a lot. One instance was I wanted to go to a concert and my boyfriend wanted to go with me and my friend also wanted to go. She said she didn't want to go if "he" was going. I said that he was going so she got ticked off and decided not to go. I love being with them both! I'm sure if I said I didn't want her husband going to a concert with us she would flip out on me and choose her husband over me but then again I probably wouldn't do that because I can tolerate being around people I don't like.

How the can I choose between a best friend and a boyfriend? I'm 28 years old.. not 16. I don't want to lose my best friend over this and there's no way at all to get her to tolerate him. I feel like I have to choose.. but it doesn't feel right at all.

**kygirl** · 04-16-2010 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by edesigner

I really don't know what to do. Me and my friend have been friends for over 15 years. I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years with some break ups in between. My friend does not like my boyfriend at all for the way he treated me in the past, and that's understandable.. I get that. She doesn't want to be around me when I'm with my boyfriend and I'm with him a lot. One instance was I wanted to go to a concert and my boyfriend wanted to go with me and my friend also wanted to go. She said she didn't want to go if "he" was going. I said that he was going so she got ticked off and decided not to go. I love being with them both! I'm sure if I said I didn't want her husband going to a concert with us she would flip out on me and choose her husband over me but then again I probably wouldn't do that because I can tolerate being around people I don't like.

How the can I choose between a best friend and a boyfriend? I'm 28 years old.. not 16. I don't want to lose my best friend over this and there's no way at all to get her to tolerate him. I feel like I have to choose.. but it doesn't feel right at all.

My first instinct would always be to go with your friend. But then again, sometimes our friends don't get the whole story and only you and your boyfriend can really truly understand and work through your issues.

has your friend always felt this way? Was there something specific that triggered it? If he did something to make her feel that way, maybe she just needs time to see if he's truly changed or not. Maybe you can tell her that you love her and your boyfriend and you don't want to have to choose. That you would appreciate if she would give him a chance, respect the fact that you are a grownup and that you love her for caring about you, but you need her to be supportive and there for you more than anything right now.

**grrrr** · 04-16-2010 01:19 PM

Wow, that's tough situation. I agree with Kygirl in that your friend probably doesn'y know the entire history of BF relationship.... she's likely just being protective of you and doesn't want you to get hurt again.

Sometimes when we go through rough patches with the SO, we turn to the friend, and they only get the bad part of the story.... and never hear the good qualities of that person...

You might try to sit down with her and explain that while you appreciate her attitude about him, she might not be entirely correct in prejudging him, that you're happy, prior conflicts that you two have had are in the past and that you hope that she'll be able to see them that way as well.

It's certainly not worth losing a friend over, but at least you'll be able to approach her in a way where she can explain why she feels so strongly toward him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 03:32 PM

There are two separate issues here

1. You have a close friend.
2. You have a boyfriend.

There is nothing at all wrong, with "girlfriend nights out", and there should always be "dating nights with your man"...

You spend alot of time with your man and he is whom you have chosen to be with, past is past, present is present and maybe it's time to be honest with yourself, if he has changed and is now treating you right and start mentioning things in conversation to her about him.. that will slowly make her feel more comfortable.

However, you should make time for your friends alone.

The fact that your even mentioning "choosing" makes me feel that you won't or he won't let you, go out with her alone?

That's what you have to change.

Friendships are important... Nothing wrong with going to a Theatre with a girlfriend for a girlfriend's night out, or in deed seeing it twice, with him, then with her, or finding other things that you can do just with her alone, enjoying the friendship you have both had for years.

I gather, you mentioned the show, to him, to her, and both said "great love to" and then you felt you had to choose.

Decide what you want.. What you want to do with him, and what you prefer to do with your friend, before telling both what your doing

CW

**Joy** · 04-16-2010 05:34 PM

well i don't know what he did in the past for your friend not to like him - she sounds like she is being protective of you. In the end she will have to accept whoever you fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with. maybe he just has to win back some trust - and she has to learn to forgive and forget.