Confused about my marriage

**tlfw31788** · 04-17-2010 02:45 PM

Ok recently my husband has become a lot closer to one of his friends. I only met this guy a couple months ago myself but ever since he started coming over to our house things have been different. Me and him have developed a friendship as well.

The thing is whenever he comes over we all end up drinking. And as always my husband is always the first to pass out. So most the time me and our friend stay up and just talk and talk. But just recently (the last time we all drank) I started to feel really attracted to him. I feel really confused about my marriage because of it. Ever since then I am trying my hardest to change the things in my marriage that are making me unhappy. I am trying to shut out my "feelings" for this other guy.

I feel like this guy knows me better than my husband. Because I can talk to him all the time about anything. Especially the things that I can't talk to my husband about. I've been thinking about him non stop for days and I am just so uncomfortable. I'm nervous that I might do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.

I really have been trying to change things with my husband I just don't know what to do at this point because this guy is coming over again in a couple days. And I don't want to feel awkward around him because he is my friend. but at the same time I want to tell that I've been feeling this way (even though I have no intention of acting on these feelings)

The thing that scares me the most though is that my husband is going into the military soon and when he leaves he is gonna be gone for almost 5 months if not more and I am terrified that I will act on my feelings for his friend, because I don't want to stop hanging out with him. I just can't figure out whats going on because I've never ever had any desire to be with anyone other than my husband until now.

**sourpuss** · 04-17-2010 03:09 PM

It's easy to open up to someone that you don't know all that well, ESPECIALLY when you've been drinking. I doubt you would feel that at ease when sober with this guy.

I think you need to not have alcohol around when you spend time with this person. The next couple of times you all hang out, don't drink. I'd be willing to bet that those feelings aren't as strong. Don't do something that you'll regret. Focus on changing the things you don't like in your marriage, and in yourself. If, after that, you're still unhappy, then maybe you should talk to your husband about couples counseling.

**jns** · 04-17-2010 03:43 PM

Maybe the thing to do is to tell your husband about how easy it is to talk with his friend and how you wish that you could talk with him as easily. Ask him to observe how his friend uses speech to continue the flow of conversation. Tell him that to do this the next time, he will have to slow down on the drinking. You could even water down his drinks (with his permission and surreptitiously), or if the drink of choice is beer, substitute a non-alcoholic one every other beer. Maybe his friend isn't such a friend after all, but is trying to move in on you. Maybe the friend won't use all his charm if your husband is still sober. And, as SP said, back off on your own drinking. And guard your thoughts and feelings to anyone except for those you know you can trust.

**rcoreyus** · 04-17-2010 10:36 PM

I'll third the comment about backing off on drinking. The last thing you need is lowered inhibitions and doing something you will regret.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-17-2010 11:11 PM

I would avoid spending time around this guy ESPECIALLY alone with this guy until you get your feelings sorted out. And yes, like the others said... don't drink around him. It lowers your inhibitions and can make you turn a minor crush/flirtation in to a life-long regret.

I think that it is kind of a crush, a little buzzing of butterflies in the tummy over finding someone attractive that is attracted to you as well, someone that understands you... its a rush, I'm sure.

But please put yourself in your husbands shoes. If you had a girlfriend come over and drink with the two of you and everytime you fell asleep they shared secrets and she understood him so well and you were going to have to go away and he was fighting urges to sleep with her...

How would hearing any of that make you feel? You have to behave in a way that you'd want your husband to behave towards you. If you want him to be faithful and respect your relationship, you have to do the same.

If not, once you see that it was so easy for you to slip, you will fear it will be just as easy for him... and start mistrusting him and its an evil vicious cycle.

When your husband goes to bed, join him. Stop staying up with this guy after your husband goes to bed. Reduce the frequency of your conversations with him. The more you talk to him, the more you will bond, the more you will become dependent on him, the more intertwined your feelings will be , confusion and guilt... etc.

You haven't crossed any bounderies yet. It sounds like you love your husband and don't want to lose him. Men do not handle affairs well in general. They just don't. Not saying affairs are any easier on a woman , they are equally as hurtful... but men tend to be less forgiving of them, more likely to react with rage, etc.

Just evaluate if you do want to stay married, if you love your husband and want to honour your promise to be faithful to him. If you do then steer clear of this guy or its asking for trouble. Its like taking up baking chocolate cakes when your on a diet... its an unnecessary temptation while you are in a weakened state.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-18-2010 05:00 PM

Hmmm....very unfair to the hubster. There will be lots of women and men in this world that you can be friends with, can talk to, can share things with. And there will be some of them that are good looking and u may find attractive. But you are MARRIED to your husband, and you married him for a reason that goes waaaay beyond good looks and a nice chat.

Sure, some things change when you get married or move in together. Same as they would with your hubbys friend, or any other human being for that matter. You must remember that there are probably things about you he'd like to be able to change as well......

You love your husband. And it's fine to have male friends. But when you find yourself attracted to the point of not trusting yourself with them, it's time to steer clear. Find other things to do when he's going to be around, go out with your girlfriends etc. Your husband trusts you.....don't ruin that on a whim.

**vikingfan23** · 04-18-2010 07:28 PM

It's a crush, don't worry. Do not drink when he comes over, let the guys drink and if your hubby passes out first then tell the "friend" it's time to go. What are these things that you can't talk to your husband about? It is always easier to talk to a stranger for some reason than it is to talk to the person you love. But do not continue down that path, if you start confiding in him and talk about your feelings, sex etc then you begin having an emotional affair with the guy. You do not want to do that, as Hopeless said, put yourself in your husband's place, what if he was confiding in another women about intimate things you would not like that. I think it is best to distance yourself from this friend now so by the time your hubby leaves you won't have any communication with him. You don't owe this friend any excuse so do not confide in him that you are having feelings for him, for one if he feels the same and wants to hook up with you, he is only going to use your confession as ammo to reel you in. Don't give him that advantage.

**WildChild** · 04-18-2010 09:41 PM

Drinking until you pass out is a really bad plan regardless of what else is going on. Try staying sober and seeing how interesting this guy really is. My experience is that people who are interesting and amusing when have been drinking are pretty lame when they have been drinking and you haven't.

When hubby's lights go out, the freind should go out the door.

**tlfw31788** · 04-18-2010 11:38 PM

Thanks for all the advice. After I posted this I decided to talk to someone I know who is a psychologist and counselor and felt very at ease when I was told that it was just human nature. I also had a conversation with the friend (not about how I felt about him) and we were talking about his failed marriage... and he pointed out some really great things about my husband and talked about how he can just see things between my husband and me that he never had with his ex wife. Thanks for all the support. Reading your responses and just getting it out there made my feelings completely go away. I now honestly feel like he is just a great friend and there aren't any feelings that are stronger than that I feel comfortable now around him and I completely trust myself. He's coming over tonight and now I'm not afraid to have to tell my husband that I can't be around him.

**Maximus** · 04-18-2010 11:59 PM

Maybe what it boils down into is you being able to exercise your "freedom" ?
Your freedom to act based on wisdom and joy, thus doing what you should do,
as opposed to acting based on what you could do, thus following your emotions and senses.

Only then one learns to be free...