Thread: Suffocating ... any advice would be helpful...

Unfortunately, she's very, very close to her family (agonizingly close if you ask me) and feels it'd be too hard to live on her own with me and a baby. No, I've expressed to her multiple times that it kills me to see our son raised in this kind of environment ... that he may grow up thinking this behavior is okay ... but she doesn't see a problem with it. Again, she was raised in this environment ... this is normal for her.
I'd like nothing more than to move out so we can start growing as a couple ... but I don't feel its on her priority list. And as California is right now (and seeing as how Redwood City is the 3rd most expensive place to live in the state) we'd have to move as far as Sacramento to get an affordable place.

Above anything else I want to be a good partner and a good father ... I'm just not sure how to do that when none of my needs are being met.

I completely understand your frustration. The biggest thing you guys need to do is move out of her family home and into your own place. Even a little studio apartment would afford you more privacy and let you guys just take care of yourself and not her entire family.

Please don't look at the mirages of women at work and compare them to the mother of your baby. Take any one of those girls out of her heels and put her in the same living situation as you and your girlfriend with a tiny baby in tow and you'd get the same results.

If she use to care more about her looks and isn't any more it could be an indicator that she is depressed, stressed out and just as unhappy with the state of your living situation as you are.

It doesn't sound like things can improve that much until you guys get out on your own so that should really be your first area of focus. It will take so much unecessary pressure out of your relationship and allow you guys to blossum as a couple and family on your own.

Thank you, HD, for your post. And dont worry, I dont look at the girls at work in any serious light. I'm too loyal for that haha (though in this situation its kinda hurting me). My son is the world to me ... and he's why I'm pushing myself so hard in school and work. The real issue here is why my girlfriend is so reluctant to leave her mother's house. At 27yrs of age, it seemed strange to me she's never had that taste of freedom. It would be a god-send now though, for that added privacy to improve upon our sex-lives and to have a stable growing environment for our child.

We'd have to move hours away from her family if we wanted anything affordable though and its the distance from family that frightens her the most.

Again, thank you both for your replies. Feels good to be able to talk to someone about all this ><

It really is good to get things off your chest and be heard in a safe setting, thats why most of us are here.

I'm glad that you are loyal and respect your girlfriend, despite this rough patch, and hopefully that is all this is.

A lot of women , post-baby, can flip into a whole different mode... some feel less sexual because they are mom, some suffer some self esteem issues about their post baby bodies and then add in a noisy messy house and family, lack of privacy, financial stressers and soon thats just a pressure cooker for killing a sex drive.

If you want her to care more about her appearance... remind her how beautiful she is. Sometimes when a woman can't see that in herself, she'll give up trying... "whats the point of combing my hair... i look like a cow anyway" and it just goes all down hill from there.

Making her feel sexy and attractive might put the spring in her step needed to take those extra steps that will make her feel better about herself.

Put thoughts in her mind of how positive being on your own together will be. She's likely only focusing on the negetive aspects, being far from family etc... keep giving her good thoughts to think about how nice it will be when you don't have to pick up after other people, when your little one can have his own room and grow up in a more traditional setting... etc.

Keep everything positive. Not ughhh don't you want to get away from this mess?? But more... it'll be so nice when we only have to pick up after each other. Just putting a spin to keep the focus on the good and not the bad.

You're right, you definitely need your privacy, you need to be able to grow as a couple and raise your children how you see fit. But please, don't make it about sex. Obviously she wants to have sex with you, because it sounds like that's happening, but given the situation it just can't happen like you want it to happen. When I read your post, the real issues have ZERO to do with sex, and EVERYTHING to do with your compatibility, your hopes and dreams, your friendship.

I'm not sure I could stand to live in that situation. And I'd have to take it upon myself to get a place of my own with or without her. But before I did that, I'd be SURE to communicate with her of how great you think it would be, be positive about it, happy about it.

Does she work? Is she afraid you two can't make it on your own?

It will come to the point where you will have to make a choice, are you willing to live your life that way?? She needs to understand how crucial this is to your alls relationship and to your sons life. But NOT about sex. About bonding, about connection, about growing, independence, respect, friendship, parenting, etc.