Thread: Open Relationships... Please Help!

Man, this is a tough one. I'm a victim of rape. God bless you for getting though it.

"Open relationships" are hard. You seem to think that it could work, however, you have reservations about it. Jealousy is so totally part of all of it.... But there's also an "emotional connection" that goes with any relationship. Can you really be 'emotionally" connected to someone who is "connecting" to someone else?

That's one of those gray areas....

Thank you both for responding. Getting through what happened has been the toughest journey of my life, so I feel for you and im so sorry you had to experience it.

As far as the situation goes. This is my best friend in the entire world. He is my love, my other half, and I genuinely can't picture my life without him. I think that is why i'm searching for ways to make it work. After a few years with his ex, he was the one who wanted to monogomous, so... I'm not sure, I just need everyones help so keep it coming. Thanks so much!!!

Well, as someone who was in an open relationship mostly for my boyfriend's benefit (because I was the same, I didn't care to see or sleep with anyone else), maybe I can help to explain things that could help you do this successfully.

1) You will need to be very self-assured and confident, about both yourself and your relationship. Sometimes it sucks knowing your guy is going off to sleep with another woman, and it can be very easy to get down on yourself and feel threatened. Alternatively, it's good to make it known to your guy that reassurance that you are his love will help you overcome the jealousy aspects that are bound to pop up on occasion. Balance is key.

2) Set boundaries you would be comfortable with. Some of my rules were that it was open for 'just sex', that I wanted him to wear a condom with other women, and that he was open and honest about telling me who he slept with. Some people prefer NOT to know so they can cope better, so if that would work for you, do it that way. Really sit down, imagine various scenarios where you would and would not be comfortable, and don't be afraid to set those boundaries. See if he has any boundaries he'd like as well.

3) Remember to trust. Sometimes our fears are so strong that some people just can't manage an open relationship. If you know your guy loves you and you are the one he'll always come home to, remember that. Trust what he says, because it's letting the insecurities and fears control the situation that breaks down open relationships fast.

4) Communication. Be really open about how you feel in terms of the open relationship. If your feelings change, don't bottle them up just so he'll be happier, because if he loves you, he won't want you to be unhappy either. If it gets to that point, re-evaluate the open relationship and the boundaries. Remember, relationships are very fluid!

5) For me sex is never 'just sex'. I make emotional connections. But not everyone does this. Some people can have sex without the intense emotional connection found in relationships. Remember that some people are wired differently. So sometimes, sex IS just sex to the people who can separate sex and their deeper feelings.

I hope that helped.

Given your history of abuse, given that I have a similiar one... I wonder if your self esteem is as it should be. I know mine isn't.

You love this man... but you have to know what you're worth. If you want to be the only one he's with but can't have that. If you can only have a peice of him if you are willing to share the rest of him.... you have to ask yourself if you are having to love yourself less in order obtain his love.


There is nothing wrong with 2 people in a relationship that BOTH organically have a desire to see other people, that somehow manage to not get jealous, and are totally happy sharing each other.

But when one person has to give part of a dream (to be loved exclusively) in order to facilitate someone elses dream (to be loved by someone special while being able to have sex with whoever they want openly) it would be hard to imagine that leading to happiness unless the person giving up their dream resigns themself to a life they didn't ever hope for ... but will settle for.

Don't lose yourself and what you want to hold on to something that isn't going to be yours, at least not... all yours.

Keep in mind that you deserve to be loved in all the ways that you have always wanted. Because if he can't love you like that... theres a thousand other men that would.