I'm a guy tired of a relationship, please help.

**vishva8kumara** · 04-24-2010 09:07 AM

We had so much love and affection, and everyone around us was jealous about us. Both of us were very happy. And then came the bad times, now both of us are so depressed. I'm sick of her and I just want to bail out. But I still love her and can't lose her. On the other hand, she have no other option, she loves me more than I can imagine and she would just die if I go away. But I'm too tired of what she does and just sick of her. I don't know how to go on with her or help to fix her, but she is definitely having a big psychological problem. Being a psychotherapist herself, she is not willing to seek another psychotherapists help.

Here is how I describe her behavior in general what made me sick of her.

She wants to prove that I'm an idiot who knows nothing
She is always right and want to prove her point always
She says I'm the one who is trying to prove my point when I'm not doing so
She gets angry for no real reason
She is too Arrogent, Egocentric and Stubborn
She never listens to my opinion and gets very angry if I just give my opinion
She hates me for what her previous husband did to her
She still have not got her divirce
She hates kids, curses at kids and she says she does not want to have babies in future

She used to smoke a lot and then her personnality changed a lot and fall sick too often, and I had to tell her that I'm going to walk out of her life if she doesn't care about her health. I had to spend a fortune to get all her medical checkups to finally find out that she is smoking too much and that is bad for her health.

On the other hand my mother is troubling me that I'm spending too much on my girlfriend and that she is not suitable for me because she has been married before. I don't care about any of that history, but I'm just pressurized from both sides.

I can't lose her and on the other hand I'm getting sick of her. What can I do.?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-24-2010 01:37 PM

Toxic.

On one hand, it's her need to want that attracts you, on the other hand, it's her putting you down and you knowing she has issues that makes you want to be a knight.

You can't..

Forget that she has been married, this is a toxic relationship and you need to think carefully.

You want the will and want and desire to be loved and your being confused over the fact you feel you can help her therefore, it's worth persuing.

This will continue down the path it is at.

Aren't you worth something? Non abuse?

Love?

CW

**jns** · 04-24-2010 04:38 PM

You cannot divorce your mother and if you are quite close to her, it could cause problems. Maybe you should spend time apart from your gf to see if your feelings change. Spend the time seriously thinking about the relationship, if it can survive the problems and grow into a better relationship. Possibly get professional counseling. If you want children, that could be a deal breaker.

**vishva8kumara** · 04-24-2010 06:04 PM

Thank you very much for your reply.

I can totally forget the fact that she has been married. But my mother somehow got to know that fact, and she is troubling me. That is only one side of the problem. And my mother has gone to see her parents and made the situation worse for us.

Love..? She used to love me. But now I don't see that anymore. She is faithful and truthful, and she needs a man to care about her. That's it.

I told her that we should spend time together, but she says she cannot live a day without seeing me. I have been kind to her, and now she is addicted to me. I can't help it. Every evening I have to go there to see her after my work is over. And if the problems are too bad and I go to the bar (I rarely go to the bar), she calls me and asks me to come there. It is quite short distance from my office to the bar and to her apartment.

Today I just listed down the negative points of her, as per instructed by my psychotherapist few months ago, to evaluate if I want to continue a relationship. And her decision to never to have babies is my last point to not to continue with her. She hates kids so much, and I think that is not normal.

I have told her several times that if she wants to continue smoking, then she have to forget about me. Then she said she will stop smoking. This happened after a long time after she promised me she would stop smoking, but she needs some time. After about 2.5 months, so I gave her enough time, I told her this is not working, you better stop smoking from now on.

Today evening I went to see her and I saw her in front of a small shop, buying cigarettes. And then she came out of the shop and I asked about cigarettes. She said not to ask about that. She have brought cigarettes and didn't tell me. She was flirting with a guy at the shop and I totally dropped that topic because I trust her. But she lied to me about smoking.

And then about the Guitar.. She told me that if she have a guitar, she will be able to go with the withdrawal symptoms. Before that she have told me that if she could get her computer fixed, she can cope up with the withdrawal symptoms. So I have brought a new monitor and stuff and got her PC fixed. And then I gave half the money for her to but a guitar. Now she still wants to continue smoking!?!

We were going to Guitar classes together. At first she was telling that she wants to go alone, because she does not want competition with me. But I too like guitar, I said. Finally, she asked me to come with her to guitar classes.

Last week, I took the guitar, and I knew it was out of tune, some strings were too lose and you can't play it. I'm not and expert, I'm a novice. But I know how to tune a musical instrument. So I tuned it. She asked me to not to tune it because I would break it, or the strings. But I explained her that it is quite simple and nothing would go wrong. And after about two days, when she was practicing with it, some string got loose and jumped out of position. Then she called me and was whining at me that it all happened because I "tried" to tune it not listening to what she said. I explained her that string were loose already and that happens when you play, and all I did was to tighten it up a little bit to get the right note. She got more pissed off, and finally I retreat to prevent further arguments, but she dragged that to the next day! I too had to warn her about her attitude of "proving her point" is not a good thing at all.

Day before yesterday, I was practicing with our guitar, and she was telling me that I'm not playing it properly, and I don't respect/honor the guitar, and I handle it too rough. Then I gave it to her and asked her to show me how to play it gently. You cannot even hear it! she is barely even touching the strings. And she wants me to play the guitar like that! Then I had to tell her that, this is not working, I cannot play the guitar like that, thereafter I'm not going to guitar lessons anymore. Now she is telling me that she too don't want to go to guitar classes anymore.!

**jns** · 04-24-2010 07:24 PM

This seems like a power struggle about who will be in control. Does she have more education than you do? That may be part of it. Does she do things for you? Does she spend money on you or is it just you spending money on her? Does she buy you gifts? Maybe she only wants you if you will always come when called and do to her bidding without complaint.

I doubt she will quit smoking unless she really, really wants to. By asking her to stop smoking, you are asking her to lie to you and be secretive. Is that what you want from her? Educational information or reverse psychology may work better.

Guitarist break strings all the time, even in concert and in the studio. After a number of tightenings, fatigue will cause the strings to snap. Or it could be overtightening. Are you using an aid to tune, such as a chord from a tuned piano, a tuning fork or a guitar tuner? It doesn't sound like she knows how to tune a guitar. Maybe the instructor can show her. Some people play softly, others with a lot of force. Rock musicians like to slap at strings, bend strings and use the tremelo arm to bend notes.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-24-2010 08:08 PM

I don't know how old you are but after a certain age... the chances of finding a mate you are attracted to that didn't have a life before you get slimmer and slimmer the older you get.

Heck you can date a 20 year old that has 3 kids and 2 divorces on her belt... people have lives... those lives change they become single again and meet other people.

Your mother has a pretty unrealistic expectation if you are over even say , 25 years of age that you would , just using odds, find love with someone that doesn't have a kid/s hasn't been married before, or had something other than her life but sitting in her room in a box waiting for you to show up.

I know you said that the divorce isn't a big deal to you, and that is good because it just shouldn't be because it is to your mother. Mothers are going to want what they want for you... but its you that has to live in your skin every day so you should make the decisions that make YOU happy... she'll come to respect your choices as long as you are happy with them. In the end thats all mothers want for their kids.

But it doesn't sound like you are happy for reasons having little to do with her being divorced. It sounds like she is just not a good fit for you in other ways... makes you feel bad, belittles you etc.

You shouldn't consider this an issue of being pulled between what your mom wants for you and she wants for you but what you want for yourself and if you don't want her... what the real reasons are for that... the way she's making you feel, not her relationship history.

**WildChild** · 04-25-2010 12:57 AM

What is it that keeps you in this relationship?
Why do you feel that you can't leave?
This is obvously not a happy situation for either of you.

**Magnetism** · 04-25-2010 10:54 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Your mother has a pretty unrealistic expectation if you are over even say , 25 years of age that you would , just using odds, find love with someone that doesn't have a kid/s hasn't been married before, or had something other than her life but sitting in her room in a box waiting for you to show up.

Judging by his name, I think he's East Indian (as am I). Being married previously, divorcing, and having kids before marriage is still quite a taboo or touchy subject. I can understand why his mom feels that way.

I agree with everyone else, Vishva. This is a toxic relationship that probably won't get better. It's hard breaking it abruptly (many of us have been there), especially when a part of you wants to hang on. It's easier to just say and "hope" that it will get better. The energy to leave and confront this person can be very draining.

Best of luck to you.

**rcoreyus** · 04-26-2010 06:50 AM

I agree with others that this sounds toxic. No one should ever feel that they are forced to stay in a relationship because their partner couldn't go on without them.

I don't know your culture. In the US I would strongly suggest that you leave.