just a rant

**heryseshta** · 04-26-2010 07:09 PM

Hey everyone, I just kinda need to rant right now and it seems like everyone I know has their own problems to deal with. So I thought I would just put it on here.
About 2 weeks ago I was at my mom's house, I needed to stay there for a while for medical reasons. While I was there I got a call from my boyfriend saying that he was being discharged from the navy and he hoped I could forgive him. Apparently one of his friends had a urine test that tested positive for coke so he was getting kicked out of the navy and he could hopefully get a general discharge if he became an informant and helped turn in some drug dealers.
Well my boyfriend didn't know about that and while he was at a rave with his friends one of them asked him if he dealt anything, my boyfriend said no and then pointed to all the people around that he knew of that did.
Apparently that is enough to be considered an 'accessory' when it comes to dealing drugs and my boyfriend is now being processed out of the navy....He worked out a deal with the navy for how he could hopefully get out of the navy with a general discharge rather than a dishonorable. It is only a possibility though and if he does get out with a dishonorable it will be as difficult to get a job as if he had a felony.
He also made an agreement with me that he will not go to any more raves again and he is also cutting ties with all of his previous friends that he knows from raves. I know that really upsets him and it is a big change in his life, but he offered to never go to them and I agreed that if he did then it would be over between us. It is not the type of lifestyle that leads to the type of life that we both have agreed would be nice.
Throughout this all I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to make sure that I am always available to him, I try to cuddle lots, tell him I love him, help him keep his mind off what is happening at work and just generally be there for him. What is getting frustrating is that he no longer touches me, he only tells me he loves me when he feels bad about what is happening or when he snaps at me. When we sleep if i touch him he scoots to the other side of the bed and yet he complains if I have one of my body pillows on the bed to curl up around since I can't cuddle up to him. Also, we used to have sex about twice a day. I know sex isn't appealing when you are depressed, that is why I don't make an issue of it and turned off my sex drive as much as I can...Which is almost completely. I have had sexually abusive relationships in the past which ended up with a lot of scarring, so if it isn't done right it can be very painful and I start to have the feelings come back from my previous relationships.
For the past 2 weeks before we have had sex my boyfriend is always saying "I should just get you really horny and just leave you like that for the rest of the day", well that wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't every time and the fact that I have had that done to me before on an almost daily basis from a previous relationship.
It had also been a while since we had sex and I had completely turned off because I don't like feeling aroused and not getting satisfied, well yesterday morning he actually woke up feeling frisky. I was pretty shocked and told him that I would need more foreplay than usual because I was completely dry. He kissed my neck a little and played with my legs, and then just used some lube. I guess it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but another one of my ex's used to just bite my neck and ears and expect me to be completely ready for him. So foreplay generally means a lot to me because it is another way of saying that he cares and that he doesn't want to hurt me.
I am thinking about just making sure that we don't have sex for a while because all of a sudden my fear of it has started up again. I know he doesn't realize that it upset me because he wouldn't have done it and it would really upset him if he realized it.
He has admitted to being extremely depressed and has even been thinking about suicide. I am not staying with him because of that, I am staying with him because this isn't him and he will get over it once he is allowed to try to move on with his life. He is always telling me he doesn't know why I am staying with him and how sorry he is that he screwed things up and that he keeps expecting me to just leave. I know that is why he is no longer affectionate, because he is afraid that I "don't want him anymore", and I can't seem to convince him otherwise.
Anyways, sorry for the long message...I just really needed to put this out and right now the people I normally confide in have troubles of their own.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-26-2010 07:22 PM

I think it is crucial for you to explain to him a lot of what you did right here. To tell him what physically hurts you, what emotionally hurts you and what he could do to make you feel better.

He's going through a rough patch and its good that you support him, but that doesn't give him the right to use you as his emotional punching bag when he's feeling down. The last thing I think his rational mind would want to do is hurt the only one that is there for him right now so maybe if you talked to him and explained how things make you feel that he could make some changes to try to help you be happier than what he's doing to you right now.

**jns** · 04-26-2010 09:24 PM

Unlike HD, I think you should rethink this relationship. First, on the description, let me read between the lines. He was a little too forthcoming with one of his so-called friends and told who he thought were drug dealers. The military has a code of conduct that requires him to report such suspicions to his superior officer. He did not do that in a timely manner, but rather only when a "friend" set him up. He would be kicked out dishonorably, screwing up his life. Instead they offered him a deal if he would rat on others, including friends.

He ratted, he screwed up others' lives and now he has enemies instead of friends. He didn't have to dump them: they were no longer friends and maybe somebody would like to hunt him down for what he did. Then he comes home to you and is abusive and also pulls away.

What kind of loyalty will you get from him in a relationship? Since you were around when he had this life-changing experience, do you think that maybe he is reminded of how he screwed up when he talks to you or is with you? Will he be willing to fight for you: he didn't do it for his friends, in fact he screwed them over?

Sorry about being blunt. Maybe I am misreading the situation. When you have military buddies, aren't you supposed to be loyal to them?

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-26-2010 09:37 PM

I've seen enough in my life to know that when someone is faced with saving their own skin, or protecting a buddy/buddies... self-preservation takes a front seat... almost always.

On tv they like to show us those manly man men that won't roll over on a friend and will spend years in jail to hold that bond together... but thats not the reality... not most of the time anyway.

The strongest most vocal people against 'snitching'... will do so when caught between a rock and a hard place. Thus the need for witness protection and relocation programs, and protective custody in prisons / being held seperate from general population.

Oh there are guys that will do a 6month stint to protect a friend... but when a man is facing the destruction of his entire life and has a chance to save it ... they usually take it.

I don't see his willingness to 'rat out' his friends as a strike against his character... I see it more as par for the course in that type of lifestyle.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-01-2010 12:15 PM

It's not him because you don't want it to be him.

"I should just get you really horny and just leave you like that for the rest of the day

That's nasty.. Don't you think? Condecending, not at all loving.

I'm sorry but I don't believe that all he did was point a finger and he was discharged, sure that can happen if you don't "dob" but his actions, reactions, the way he's treating you, says, something.

He has told you something... basically asked for your forgiveness, be with him, then treated you like carp?

I think if that was true about what they did, they would be bluffing, at the end of the day if he wasn't involved, they can't do anything and he can contest it, all of it, and win in my opinion.

It sounds like he's changed. It sounds like you know that and want the old person back, but I don't like the way in which he's treating you.

Even just using some lube, he's saying bad luck, I will use this and get what I want.

I just don't see a complete picture.. If I was authority, I'd threaten but couldn't send him home, no proof... nothing he did wrong.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 05-01-2010 07:15 PM

The drug issue is really tough. I can easily see divided loyalties - friends, service. Its easy to say what he "should" have done - but it is a really tough call to turn in a friend for committing a crime. If he wasn't involved in the dealing, but just knew about it, then he was in a tough spot.

He is feeling depressed and that can (as you said) easily lead to sex problems. Not surprising that he wants sex less.

The lack of foreplay may be unrelated. It is possible that he just doesn't really understand what you want in bed - maybe you need to be more clear. Its difficult to tell if he is just ignoring your desires (which would be very bad) or doesn't understand them (in which case there is real hope).

Men are not born knowing what women like in bed (or the reverse by the way), the important thing is that they be willing to learn.

**heryseshta** · 05-01-2010 08:54 PM

I actually left to visit my mom for a few days, it was completely unexpected but came at just the right time. It wasn't an actual one of his service buddies that he turned in, it was actually someone else. He didn't rat on any of them, although everyone is jumping all over trying to save their own skin by ratting someone else out. I understand why, if they get a dishonorable discharge then it is as bad as having a felony.
We talked on the phone about every day that I was gone and he realized what had happened. There were tears, and a very heart felt apology. He told me that with how bad he is messing up he feels like he doesn't deserve to be loved and doesn't understand why I don't just walk away.
He ended up having to come to my mom's to pick me up due to my inability to drive, I had just had my wisdom teeth pulled and was still on pain meds. First thing he did was grab me , kiss me and curl up in bed. Not sexual, just holding, cuddling and talking.
We did end up having sex when we got home, it wasn't romantic like I think he wanted it. He had the candles all lit and the massage oil out. But it was fun and amusing, we ended up laughing when we tried some new things. And then we ended up cuddling all night.
We both know that this will probably happen again, every day he feels worse and worse about himself and he isn't allowed to get on with his life for at least 3 more months, but we are still trying to work through it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-01-2010 10:38 PM

Well I admire your willingness to try to work things out, but I think you're dealing with much more here than you realize. And I'm truly not sure its in your best interest for this situation to be worked out.

First, something just isn't right with his dishonorable discharge story. It doesn't add up. Something is missing. I don't think he's telling you everything.

Second, you should not be at his sexual beck and call. What I mean by this is, if he's "depressed" then yeah I'd understand him not wanting sex, but I don't understand him periodically and magically getting horny and using you as his semen receptacle. I don't think he's "depressed". I think he screwed up big time and not only is he not being honest about it, but he's now having to deal with it in his mind. It's called a "tough time". People now days are way too quick to throw out the term depression and use it as an excuse for their behavior.

Third, lube doesn't create the same feelings as your own natural lubrication does. Unless you're suffering from a medical problem where you can't get wet (which doesn't sound like you are), then he should be totally ashamed for grabbing a bottle of lube and treating you like a "pocket p**sy" instead of tryin at all to turn you on a bit. Unacceptable and in those instances you must learn to say NO. If it ends up being the only time that month he wants sex, and you have to turn him down, then SO BE IT. It's better than you having an uncomfortable painful sexual experience. (because contrary to what alot of men realize, those instances are very damaging to us emotionally).

Fourth, saying to you that he feels like he doesn't deserve to be loved. To me he might as well say "I know I am making poor selfish decisions, but I'm going to try hard to make you feel sorry for me". He knows you love him, and I'm sure he knows that if he says "I don't deserve to be loved" you're going to think "Oh my gosh, I don't want him to feel that way AT ALL!! Poor guy! He's really beating himself up". Then it makes his poor selfish decisions more acceptable.

He could be a decent guy. Could be. But he's not showing it right now. He needs to get himself in check, or if I were you I'd seriously considering walking.

**heryseshta** · 05-01-2010 11:03 PM

If this had of happened more than once then yes I would have considered walking. He is also putting himself into check. I have told him all of my conditions for me to stay with him, I am not just staying unconditionally at all. And the fact that I didn't say no was my problem. I will definitely need to learn how to use that magic word, even though he wants to get laid doesn't mean he should always get it.
The only reason why the whole lube thing was acceptable was because I do have a problem getting wet, and have for quite a while. It is something mental that we have been working on for a while, but there can be a couple of weeks in a row where I am really horny but just can't seem to get wet.
I don't mean to make excuses, I can just see how it happened.
The reason why I want to work it out is because of the fact he has been there for me during a really hard time. He was willing to drive 2 hours every day to see me after my surgery just to hold, cuddle and wait on me.
I know that if I just walk away without trying to work it out I will regret it. If things don't change then I will walk away. But right now I am not ready, and I do see him wanting to find a way to work it out.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-02-2010 12:20 AM

Gotcha. There's always way more to a relationship that what anyone can even begin to share on here. Of course we can only give advice based on what we read. If all this is new in your relationship, then I don't blame you for wanting to work with it but dont find yourself years down the road in a relationship that brings negativity to your life. Just don't settle.

As for the sex thing, the lack of lubrication happens to alot of women. Lots of time its a mental thing. But he has to be willing to work with you, and if he finds that you're not getting wet, he should NOT continue trying to penetrate you, just the same as if he couldn't get hard, you wouldn't be able to have sex with him. Its something you BOTH have to work through. And yes, learn the word no. Learn it now....he's a man...you'll need it.

haha!