Question for single parents who are dating.

**sourpuss** · 04-28-2010 10:20 PM

My boyfriend has a 6 year old daughter. They are super close, as her mother has always been super social and a heavy drinker. The kid's situation is that she's with her mother mon-friday and with her dad on the weekends. When she's with mom, she's drug all over town, taken on 'play dates' (code for, I'm going to sit and drink cocktails with my friends who have kids while we ignore you). When she's with her dad, it's just them spending serious quality time together. So her time with him is her safe haven. Which is wonderful on his part.

The problem is that she's not ok with him having a girlfriend. She's never known the situation to be any different because I'm the first girlfriend he's had since he and his ex split up. She always tells him that she likes me. (she even asked if she could invite me to her birthday party last week) but when the three of us do spend time together, she acts out almost the entire time. I can totally see what's going on. Whenever someone is introduced into her life (by her mom) it means 'great, now I'm going to be ignored'. (her and her mother never do things just the two of them. Every outing is a social event for her mom and the kid is just an accessory. So I totally understand her fear.

The problem is that he's so afraid to push the issue and make her deal with the situation until she's comfortable around me because he doesn't get enough time with her as is. But if we keep going at this rate, she'll never warm up to the idea. And she's very smart and observant and she's already figured out that all she has to do when we're all together is act up and they go home, or I leave and then she doesn't have to deal.

It's getting to the point where I don't want to put anymore emotional effort into it if I'm the only one trying. He and I bought a camper recently so the 3 of us could spend the summer camping. We've literally been working 12 hour days for the last month rebuilding the whole thing, so it's a huge investment for the both of us. But I feel like, at this point if we take a weekend trip, it's just going to be bad since his kid can't deal. Oh, and he said she refuses to sleep alone, so I'd have to sleep by myself and they would sleep in the other bed, which I just think is weird. He's also made a couple of comments about how I could go hiking and fishing all day while they stayed back at the camp and hung out. Um....I'm not going to off all day alone and then come back and sleep by myself because a 6 year old can't handle her dad having a girlfriend!!

By they way, her mom has had several rotating semi-live in boyfriends over the last 3 years, so it's not something she hasn't already experienced on some level. Unfortunately, it's just been negative.

I'm sort of at wits end. I really don't know what to do without offending anyone. I know if we have a conversation about it, he'll get defensive and construe it as me saying 'make a choice, me or your daughter', which isn't what I'm saying AT ALL!

help!!

**sourpuss** · 04-28-2010 10:20 PM

Oh, sorry that was so long!

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 10:55 PM

Maybe it would a good idea to spend time with your boyfriends daughter on your own? when she comes over for the weekend, spend a few hours just with her - be it playing games in the garden, painting, cooking etc etc...so she knows that when shes with you its fun and that you wont ignore her.

ps: im not a single mum - i work with young kids

**sourpuss** · 04-28-2010 11:03 PM

I've thought the same thing. But she keeps herself glued to him. We went skiing a month ago and he wanted to go off a jump and there was a snow fence between the jump and the rest of the run and she threw a fit because she didn't want him more than 10 feet from her on the hill. He went down anyway and I stood with her but she was obviously not ok with it and told him not to go off the thing again.

Also, since their time together is so short, giving up 2 or 3 hours to me would be a huge chunk of their weekend. But I'll mention it and see what he says.

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 11:11 PM

oh right! and yeah, i see what you mean - if its taking a big chunk away then i can see why that would be another problem.

If she is 'clingy' with her dad, maybe (another activity based situation!) you could get a board game or similar based game, and have a 'girls v boys' competition. dad will be there with her, but she has to work and play with you.

I can see why this is bothering you though!

**sourpuss** · 04-28-2010 11:32 PM

Ooh, that's a good idea. That way she has to interact with me.

Just to give you an idea of what it's like. We were at the coffeeshop the other day and her hair was all messy so he asked me to redo her hair tie because he can't work them. And she freaked and said she didn't want 'a stranger' to touch her hair! So he said, ok, I'll hold your hair and she can do the tie, that way a 'stranger' won't be touching your hair. Her reply "she's not a stranger, dad, we know her, she's our friend" Ugh, I can't win. haha
But I think the game thing is a good start.
Over Christmas we spent a lot of time together. We colored and stuff and she even hung my drawings up inside her playhouse, so I know it's not personal- that she doesn't like me, she's just scared of losing her dad. But man, it's taking it's emotional toll to try so hard.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-28-2010 11:39 PM

It is difficult

CD's daughter is 11 and she is clingy as well, I have to rotate where I sit, because when I get up, from sitting next to him, she jumps on him so I end up on the other couch

I took her shopping, had lunch with her and from that day it was "alright".. Maybe that's what you do need, forget the time away from him, it's only a couple of hours, you have to do something together whereby she sees you do in fact really like her and un-fortunately, you have to also allow them their space so she can see your not going to take him away from her.

But, with the camping, she may not want to walk for ever, at 6, but maybe a small walk together him in the middle and you two on each side. I had that problem too, when we went to a Country Town, it's just her adjusting, he's the only one that shows that she's important and it takes time sweet.

The fact she asked if you would be there for her birthday, hung pictures up, says alot..

Just be a bit more patient, it's extremely hard but if you include her, yourself in all that you can, it will become "3" not 2...

Often, I may kiss CD on the head, but then I'll walk past her and ruffle her hair.. things like that..

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-29-2010 02:19 AM

I'm no parent, but I'm answering anywho.

My first thought is that a child, almost any child will push the limits. They will see what they can get by with. She's 6, so she's old enough to know how she SHOULD behave, but shes also old enough (and smart enough) to know how she CAN behave.

If he cares enough about you to include you in her life (and he obviously does), then he should also care enough to set a precedence of what is expected of her behavior. For instance, at age 6, to me it's totally unacceptable that she throws a tantrum and he leaves and takes her home or you leave etc. In her eyes "I WIN!". So little girl has daddy wrapped around her finger simply because he doesn't get to be with her as often as he'd like. So he feels "sorry" for her, and will damage her with that. (that sounds harsh, but ohhh so true). Because simply, not everyone will feel sorry for her and not everyone will be accepting of that kind of behavior.

Yes, she's threatened. Not likely for any reason other than she's use to having Daddy all to herself and doesn't like sharing him. You can totally get past that with her. Buy a little doodling kit (where you make jewelry or paint things) and ask her to help you. Kids like "helping". If you ask them "do you want to make jewelry?" , they exercise their control, "NO!". But if you say "would you help me make some jewelry?" she's way more likely to respond.

In the end, it's going to be about what Dad is willing to tolerate from little girl. And unfortunately, you're just along for the ride and are expected to accept whatever method of parenting he chooses. :\

**grrrr** · 04-29-2010 06:08 AM

I think that this is sort of a crappy situation! You're both thrown into it, yet you really have no control over it at all. You certainly don't want to alienate her, while at the same time you're there, and you can't just become the woodwork! AND to top it off, you clearly care about her!

I think that the board games and the shopping are both great ideas.... maybe you could even make dinner together.... for some reason, when you're in the kitchen making dinner (obviously she's too young for the knives and the stove/oven - but she could help out some) it's easier to talk.

She's probably just as freaked out as you are about making a bond.... think about it - 6, it's got to be pretty scary.... maybe you could even tell her that you're just as freaked out about this as she is in some more eloquent way than I'm saying! Kids are smart. If you're honest with her, I'm sure that she'll see that...

You're doing everything right by not pushing anything on her though.... but it still is a stinky sticky situation....

**jns** · 04-29-2010 07:56 AM

Your bf is part of the problem, but it is somewhat understandable because he is on a timeshare plan with his ex. Therefore he dotes on his daughter every minute he is with her.

I grew up on a farm with siblings. There was always work to be done in the gardens, fields, on the lawn or at the roadside stand. If us kids insisted on being with either of our parents, we would soon have been given a job. Our parents worked hard and we were expected to learn to work hard, too.

Does the bf mow the lawn with her close? How about splitting wood? How about working on the car? How about doing plumbing? Clearing snow? There are many jobs that could cause danger to small children and the children have to be taught to keep distance while they are going on.

There are also jobs that small children easily become bored with and would rather find something else to do. That would be the perfect opportunity for you to bond with her. Create a project to make something together for daddy. Such as cooking or crafts. You already have made drawings with her. Make them for daddy instead of for her and make them together so she sees you as fun and collaborative. And an asset in making something that daddy wants. Let her lead the activity from time to time.