Buttinski Blues....
Hi all:
I'll try to keep this short b/c I know that my threads can be long... sorry!
My father's best friend whom my sister and I always considered an uncle just had prostate surgery. We love him and obvi wish and hope for the best.
He has been dating this woman (I'll refer to her as "Shrew"), for about 10 years who kind of sucks, she's a total "buttinski" - and frankly, I'm sick of her, but can't tell her that to her face b/c that would be mean!
My sister was laid off from her job (she's a lawyer, and smart as a whip, so I'm not worried about her one bit).... and I think that Shrew has some incling that this has happened.... which is none of her business, though it seems to give her great joy.
During our lunch I was having a lovely conversation with Uncle figure, and Shrew kept jumping in asking about my sister and her job. It's certainly not my place to explain sisters job status, and it was really annoying, and RUDE of her to push the issue.
(This is SOOO not the short post that I had hoped for, but I'm steamed! Sorry)
Shrew "needles" constantly, I didn't say anything about my sister, and I shouldn't have to....
Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with BUTTINSKIS?????
Please tell! Shrew's so terrible... but, if she's good to the "uncle" figure, we have to tolerate her, so.... I know that I can't just smack her, though I wish that I could, even though I wouldn't.
Why can't people mind their own business, and why do people get joy out of other peoples difficult situations?
grrrr.... for real!
P.S. My "evil" is that I know that Shrew wants him to marry her.... but I know that he won't!!! I won't "needle" her about an engagement!!! Lay off the sister! good grief!
Last edited by grrrr; 04-29-2010 at 06:36 AM. Reason: more Shrew
Finished venting?
1. She's typically by nature a busy body.
2. She doesn't feel part of the "family" and so tries to create conversation to feel it.
3. 1 & 2 or 1 or 2
Change the subject, ask her something about herself, every time she starts a conversation which you don't want to be involved in.
"She's great actually, so what's been new in your life?"
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I totally agree... I did all of that. I strayed the conversation away from the sister.... I know that Shrew is an avid tennis player, so I talked to Shrew about her playing tennis (clearly I don't, as I don't know the jargin)... yet Shrew kept interrupting the conversations that I had with uncle to needle me about sister!Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH
Finished venting?
1. She's typically by nature a busy body.
2. She doesn't feel part of the "family" and so tries to create conversation to feel it.
3. 1 & 2 or 1 or 2
Change the subject, ask her something about herself, every time she starts a conversation which you don't want to be involved in.
"She's great actually, so what's been new in your life?"
CW
OK.... I guess I get it.... after another long post... that I just deleted....
Perhaps Shrew doesn't feel like "part of the family" - so what's a "nice" way of explaining to Shrew that uncle has been part of the family life for 40 years.... we don't have to "strike up" conversations with him, they're just natural.... She shouldn't need to feel like she has to "insert" herself into our lives in such an aggressive and personal (and kind of divisive) way? I know that she "knows" the questions that she's asking.... I know that I'm over-doing it with this post, it's just been years of her, and her passive ways.
Last edited by grrrr; 04-29-2010 at 07:27 AM. Reason: more Shrew, so as not to be confused with beautiful sister
I know that I'm sounding waay hard on her.
She's always been welcomed in our home.... it's only become more recent that she's been asking more and more questions, and not in just a "hey, what's going on?" type of way - it more like a "ha ha, your family isn't perfect - I'm going to pop the bubble" way... even though we're far from perfect. Her manner seems to be very cutting and not very caring, or even sincere!
This is so disjointed! I'm sorry... brain working faster than typing can comprehend!
I should say the: "I know that he'll never marry her" comment that I made was mean... although true.... but should he decide to marry her, we'd all be happy for them both.... that was MY passiveness....
I guess it's just that she's become more and more invasive.... and mean. That should by no means give me licence to be the same.... but it was a gut reaction. I love my sister and I hated that Shrew was trying to "out" her in some way....
I accept my faults in my posts.
Last edited by grrrr; 04-29-2010 at 07:43 AM. Reason: bolding
Has Shrew been outside of the conversation for all of the 10 years? If so, she may have become resentful of not being included in the conversations that are centered on a 40 year relationship. As such, she has finally found an irritation to exploit, the fact that your sister is between jobs. Thus she has something to interject into the conversation that will get a reaction. Making her a part of the conversations may help if this is the case.
Ultimately it's up to what Uncle tells her. My mother and father tell him everything. He's our family. I guess I don't know what he tells her, which is up to his discretion....
I guess my problem is that she has no discretion. She and Uncle have dinner frequently with my folks. They chit chat and the other. Only recently has it become fodder for topic where she picks at what my sister and I are doing for work! It shouldn't concern her at all, and trust me, it's not out of concern that she's asking.
It just aggrivates me.... and I should let it go, and I know that, but when it comes to my sister, I'm protective. Not that sister has anything to feel bad about, but don't needle me about her job! It's not even my business... let alone Shrew's business! Bottom line: Shrew doesn't ask proactive questions.... they're more like "when is she going to run out of money" questions" : for instance:
"oh, she's been out of work for a bit, is she worried about rent?"
"is she seeing anyone who can help her out with bills?" ------ which she sould never do!
She's just so nasty, and in her questions, she's painting a picture in her own mind of someone who is NOT my sister! I know that it's angering my parents as well.... I guess the best thing to do is nothing, and let the 'rents deal with it.
BTW, my sister is awesome, and depends on no one but herself!
I get that I'm being a total beetch... I just think that she's thoughtless and rude.
I'm open to everyone disagreeing with me and what not....
You don't like her. Duh.So you'll notice every little nuance, every little thing. Perhaps she is nosey, prodding, etc....some people delve on other peoples "business", especially when it's negative business. Look at the media.....obviously there are LOTS of people who enjoy it, or our media wouldn't be filled with info on other peoples personal lives right?
Also, if she's been with him for that long, she probably feels like she's totally a part of your family. I dated a guy for 5 years and definitely considered his family my own. I was as much in his familys business as he was. So maybe she feels totally comfortable talking about those things that would otherwise be inappropriate if she were a "stranger" or someone not invested into the family.
It's not your place to have to advise anyone on your sisters status. I agree with that. But I don't think it's all too uncommon. People ask me about my brother, simply because they'd be too uncomfortable to ask him "so are you still drinking? have a job yet? still living with your mom?". So they ask me instead, to sort of get the info they want without having to throw it all in HIS face.
Sounds like she may be around for a while. Is there anyting you like about her? What's good about her? What's bad about her?
"oh, she's been out of work for a bit, is she worried about rent?"
I doubt it- she's bright and knows how to take care of herself, but I haven't talked with her in a while. Why don't you call her and ask? (because if she's like the nosey people I know, she won't have the guts to)
"is she seeing anyone who can help her out with bills?"
Haha, she's an attorney! I think she's perfectly capable of handling her bills herself! *condescending tone*
That's just how I would react. I have a very great distaste for those questions too... Depending on how sensitive your uncle is to how you respond to her, you could give her the ol' "ITS NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX" explaination and leave it at that. I usually get snippy when asked these types of questions by people who are not close to me, or who I can tell don't care, but just want to be nosey so they can pass the info on down the grapevine. So when are you getting married? Don't you want to have a family some day? How much did you pay for your house? What kind of money do you make where you work? Ugh *gag*
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ok I learned the hard way never to get between a man and his bed....my cousin called me to get a woman out of his house...he is married with two girlfriends, one who lives in his home and one who has her own apt and the wife lives in NY (though they are divorcing) I went in temper blazing and things escalated...after getting her out of the house he turned around and brought her RIGHT BACK IN!!!! Making ME look like the bad person when he was the one who called me and begged me to do it in the first place.
My advice is to be honest...the same way you said "uncle has been part of the family life for 40 years.... we don't have to "strike up" conversations with him, they're just natural.... She shouldn't need to feel like she has to "insert" herself into our lives in such an aggressive and personal (and kind of divisive) way?" TELL HER! Let her know that she will be and always has been welcomed in your home however you feel as if she is forcing certain issues and conversations that you do not feel are necessary to have.
You don't know what your Uncle is telling her, in my experience men share more than women! So take that into consideration....then ask your Uncle. Tell him how you feel, that you support him but she at times makes you uncomfortable. Explain that you are happy for him, since he is the one who chose her and that you want the best for him however she at times makes you uncomfortable.
I give you Kudos....I'm not as nice as often say exactly what I want to say, how I want to say it....for instance had I sat at the table while she was asking questions I would have opened up my phone dialed my sister without pressing talk and stated...I am talking to my Uncle it is in bad taste and manors to continue interupting our conversation...if you feel it necessary to ask me the same question repeatedly perhaps you should call her yourself and ask her. However first let me explain that she may think it none of your business...which I agree and words that support that emotion may leak out.
Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am
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