which one do i pursue or do i walk away from both?

**mocha.girl85** · 04-30-2010 05:47 PM

Im not sure if this belongs under dating or relationships, it has a bit of both in it. I've been with my boy friend for a year and a half (could be long or short depending on how you look at it) and we've become best friends, but lately its as it something has faded on my side, i still love him dearly but its like a love you would feel for a close friend, devoid of lust. Im partially attributing it to the way he's changed, he's lacking ambition and whining a lot but i think he's depressed so Im not sure if this is a rut we will get out of or if the spark has just gone out.
At the same time as my relationship is tumbling around on the rocks, i met another guy (and no the other guy is not the reason for the bf problems, those started at least a month before meeting this guy) Im really starting to fall for him, but theres a big problem, he's at a different stage in his life, im a university student, he has his degree and is starting a new job and says he worries about not being able to spend enough time with me.
I keep being told i should just end it with my bf, i have hinted towards it but he gets really upset, promises to try etc. and i think i should give him another chance but i dont know if this is the right choice. On the other hand, im afraid to get too involved with the other guy and end up getting hurt because there's a collosal chance it wont work out

(sorry for the long post) any thoughts?

**kygirl** · 04-30-2010 07:22 PM

I think you have to decide whether to break up or stick it out with the boyfriend before you even consider this other guy. He is not in equation. Are you wanting to try with the boyfriend or do you just feel obligated to do so??

My fear is that you *may* focus so much on this other guy that it might cloud your thinking process...regardless of when the issues started.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-01-2010 12:08 AM

It always is the case, when your not happy within a relationship "someone" will come into your life, that shows you what your missing and in that, you automatically, fall towards that person.

It's what's missing you have to focus on... and if you can't re-gain it, then that chapter of your life is closed and it's time to move on.

But, in that, you can't jump from one to the other.. Time alone, to reflect to be sure, to know, is crutial. You've heard of re-bounds. You're already worried about failing. That's why.

More so though, this guys says "I don't think I will be able to spend as much time with you"... That sounds as if you've already been intimate in some way, it sounds as if he thinks your free to decide, and possibly doesn't know about the boyfriend.. If he knows about the boyfriend, then your not free, he knows that, and in that, he would surely be thinking of the times your still sharing together...

Most people, don't feel good about that.. And, some people lie to purely get what they want, ensure they make comments as he did, to be able to get out of it, that being a "relationship" when that time comes that you ask... as they had a hidden agenda.

So be very cautious on this.

Also, no person deserves to be left for someone else. It's nicer to walk, then start your life again. It gives a better closure and ensures their success with the next person they end up with, instead of feeling that all people cheat whilst in a relationship, which will damage his next relationship.

Not saying your cheating, physically, but you are emotionally at least at this stage.

CW

**mocha.girl85** · 05-01-2010 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I think you have to decide whether to break up or stick it out with the boyfriend before you even consider this other guy. He is not in equation. Are you wanting to try with the boyfriend or do you just feel obligated to do so??

My fear is that you *may* focus so much on this other guy that it might cloud your thinking process...regardless of when the issues started.

And thats exactly what i dont want to happen, i want to make sure if i end it, its because there really isnt anything there not because im preoccupied.

Im not sure if i am trying out of obligation, i went through a hard time a while back and he was there for me, and im almost abandoning him if i dont at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to improve.

I was suspicious about the other guy's intentions, but he doesnt seem to have a hidden agenda, i know it's awful but i have been with him intimately and he doesnt seem like that's all he's after.

I dont want to rebound between guys, but i do think that im definitely finding whats missing in one in the other. but if i do break it off with my boyfriend, you're saying i need time alone, so what does that mean as far as my communications with the other guy?

**GlassDaemon** · 05-01-2010 09:02 PM

Well, first I don't even consider the new guy a detail, he should not even be in the equation until you've left your current. So...

The thing that stands out at me the most is that you said it was an entire month you've had problems with your current boyfriend before the new guy even showed his head. That worries me, you should have recognized the problem within the first week and addressed it asap. Are you ignoring it? Or is he ignoring it? Ignoring is bad. Has it already been discussed and nothings happened? Have the two of your tried to work through it and found no improvement?

A month is a long time to be having a problem. I know when I have problems with my boyfriend it is addressed as soon as I(or he) recognize the problem and resolved within two weeks or less. If it can't be resolved there is a serious problem and you need to decide what to do with the problem, if there is no way it can be resolved, no chance at all, then walk away. I believe pretty strongly to not waste your time, or his time, on something that is inevitable. It's not fun, it's not happy, it's not nice, but it does happen and there's no reason to waste his or your time when you two could be moving on and trying again.

**BloodyMoonLight** · 05-01-2010 11:19 PM

if ur falling for another guy tell ur bf u just gotta be strong about it

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-01-2010 11:54 PM

I was suspicious about the other guy's intentions, but he doesnt seem to have a hidden agenda, i know it's awful but i have been with him intimately and he doesnt seem like that's all he's after.

I dont want to rebound between guys, but i do think that im definitely finding whats missing in one in the other. but if i do break it off with my boyfriend, you're saying i need time alone, so what does that mean as far as my communications with the other guy?

Always follow your gut feeling. You were suspicious of him.. You were intimate with him. You say "that doesn't seem to be "all" he wants" which means you are still intimate with him and he's told you already, where he's going it won't work...

When I said, "time alone" it was to avoid what's already happened, so you could think clearly.. It's too late..

If your boyfriend finds this out, it will devestate him, like I said, he probably won't trust women ever again or at least not until one comes along that proves that he can..

You don't owe him anything now, as you've cheated, and I can't see how you can ever feel that strong connection and love with him now, knowing you did that or live a lie..

I think you made your mind up, he's not for you and your hanging on for wrong reasons.

It's not too late really to take "time out" for you, away from both... at least it will make him see you didn't leave him for someone else...

And it will make you reflect and think as well. If this other guy doesn't like that idea, you'll find out his intentions, as if he wins and you agree to see him, and tries to get you into bed straight away, there is your answer.

CW