Very confused

**Nikki_210** · 05-01-2010 07:31 PM

Quite long, but please read!

My name is Nikki and im 28 years old. I live with my partner whom i'm married to. We have a civil partner-ship We have been together for seven years and we have been married for three. We have the greatest relationship, we talk about everything and she is my soul mate without a doubt. We worked so very hard to get where we are today, she helped me through so much.

When Becca's father died several years ago she inherited alot of money, everything was left to her since she was his only child. Becca decided to live out her dream and open her own cafe, she is the most fantastic chef and she really wanted to persuit her dreams. I of course, stood by her through all of it and supported her every move. I decided to quit my job and work in the cafe with her, it was lovely to spend loads of time together whilst being in the working enviroment. It was all very hectic at times trying to sort everything out, and trying to promote the new place whilst trying to find staff.

A few months flew past and we had hired staff and the place was up and running, it was a success and i was so proud of her for living out her dream. Of course we argued, and bickered about stupid things but we worked through all of that. I loved her, and i loved our buisness together.

Four months later, Becca got quite ill and had to take a few months off work. This meant i was left in charge having to do everything. I had to manage the staff, cook, clean, paper work. You name it, i did it. With all of us working our socks off to try and keep the place running, i decided we needed an assistant manager. I ran this by Becca and she agreed that the place needed a hand.

Meet Tyler, our new assistant manager. Right from the word go we got along, she was exactly what the place needed. Someone good looking, looked the part, knew exactly what needed to be done. I knew from the word go, that she was the person we needed for the job. Once i had told Becca about Tyler, we decided to give her the job.

Me and Tyler got on like a house on fire, she suggested amazing new ideas for a menu, and our customers and profit went sky high with success. I brought Tyler over to her house because she offered to cook for me and Becca, she wanted to get to know Bec because obviously Bec's in charge of the place. She cooked, we ate, everyone seemed to get along fine. Although her cooking skills were amazing, Becca didnt seem to pleased. She was still quite ill but was slowly getting better, day by day.

My feeling for Tyler changed quickly, most nights i would stay behind at the cafe and have dinner with her. She would offer to cook and we would sit and chat, it was nice to have someone else to talk to. All i wanted was a friend, someone to listen. The sexual tension between us burned in my stomach, and i knew she felt the same way. We never acted on it, but i felt it. Tyler made me feel sexy, wanted, and it was exciting to go to work knowing she was going to be there. We had deep talks about personal things, i wanted to spend all my time with her. I was falling in love with her, there was nothing i could do to stop my feelings for her.

Becca knew something was wrong, she knew we had been spending alot of time together. Once she was better she went behind my back and asked Tyler if we were sleeping together. Obvious she said no, we had never acted on how we felt , not even a kiss. Becca warned Tyler to stay away and also told her she should quit her job at the cafe.

I told Tyler she should leave and find a job somewhere else, my feelings for her were strong and i could not stop myself from falling.

Now she's gone i can't help but feel almost heartbroken, i miss her and i miss the friendship we had. I love Becca but i can't help but feel bored of our lives. Bored of everything. I've fallen in love with Tyler, and now she's gone i feel sad and empty. Becca is now back at work and is acting like everything is fine, and none of it even happened. She is carrying on like normal, and Tyler's name is never mentioned. I feel confused by my feelings, so very confused by what i felt for Tyler and what i feel for Becca.

Please, any advice would be amazing.

Thank you

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-01-2010 07:43 PM

You obviously respect becca and your relationship a whole lot to deny your physical urges to be with tyler. For that you should be proud. Being tempted is part of life and it sounds like your relationship was tested and you passed.

The emotional connection you made with tyler and the loss you feel at her being gone may be heartbreak over a missed opportunity... or just the mourning of a dear friend you have come so close to and is now out of your life.

If you truly do love becca and want the relationship to work you will need to stay away from tyler... despite how strong the urge is to reconnect. With her at a safe distance from the cafe and possible complications you might not be able to resist that temptation.

Try to remember why you fell in love with becca in the first place, try to get back to that spot. After a long time together its easy to lose sight of that and to miss those butterflies and static electricity that happens in a new relationship... but don't think you can't recreate those feeligns right there with becca.

If you did go on and be with tyler, there is a very good chance that you will find yourself in exactly the same position over time, becoming "bored"... new relationships are fun, day in day out... can loose the excitement. But its up to both you AND becca to find ways to keep it fresh.

Between her illness and the busy cafe , maybe you too aren't getting in the quality time you need and that should be addressed. Give it your best shot and if you feel like you have truly fallen out of love with becca it might be time to let go rather than tie her, and you, down to a loveless union.

But don't confuse being bored of the ho-hum been there done that with falling out of love. Its just complacency, you have each other, you don't have to wooo each other so effort isn't being made to create sparks. Work on that

**jns** · 05-01-2010 07:46 PM

Refocus your attentions on Becca. Replace the kindness that Tyler showed to you with things Becca does for you. Get in conversations with Becca. Open up. Becca probably knows pretty much the whole story, but she wants things back to what they were before the presence of Tyler caused you to stray. Give her a chance to reignite the passion that you and her once shared. Let her help you like she did before. If you are sincere, she should believe that you are worth reconnecting with.

**Nikki_210** · 05-01-2010 08:55 PM

Thank you

x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-02-2010 01:59 AM

Nikki

You and your wife bickered, whilst working I assume.. She then became ill, 3 months is a bad illness and so during that time, she would have focused on nothing, not you, not the business, nothing.. During this time, you needed... Along came Tyler.

The first thing I noted is the way in which you described her, "good looking".. as one of the reasons you hired her. I come from that Industry and I do know it helps

But, that was your first clue that you have lost something for your wife.

It is good that you didn't act on it, that's respectful. It's normal to love all the attention, conversations, if your not getting them at home.

You fell in love with Becky for a reason.. .Maybe, you feel in-adequate as she is running the cafe, you left your job, maybe you need your job back, so you can feel equally important, maybe you've lost your identity, in which Tyler made you feel and remember.

And, in that, you both will have different things to talk about.. Right now, it's work, work, work, and no independence at all of each other.

CW

**grrrr** · 05-02-2010 07:16 AM

It also sounds like Tyler was filling a void for you. Obviously you love Becca, and she was ill, and that created a lot of stress for you having to run the show all by yourself....

Now that Becca is healthy again (I'm not sure of her illness, and I hope that she's well for the long-term) perhaps it will get back to the way that it began.

Love and lust are different beasts. I think that you were more in "lust" with Tyler b/c she was an ear that listented, a shoulder to help lift the burden of running the business, and HELLO, great chefs are hard to find - she was there when you needed someone - and you were wise and loyal - so you did nothing wrong. Maybe the reason that you miss her is b/c she needed you too, and you miss that sort of "need".... or maybe I'm full of !!

Lust is fun. Love is real.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-02-2010 12:59 PM

I like that, maybe she needed you too..

She seemed to have bent backwards, cooked for you both at home... not exactly what an employee would do.

But, remember things in life are lessons as well. What you found was a person who moved waters for this place, whilst your lady was sick... She introduced foods that worked...

Don't lose that. That was a lesson, to help you both into your future.

Sometimes people come into your lives for a reason remember that.

CW

**Nikki_210** · 05-02-2010 01:55 PM

Thanks everyone, much appreciated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-02-2010 02:01 PM

Nikki?

Please share your thoughts on it all, you said your confused, so can you enlighten us?

This is a Forum where people really do want to help and you are after all, not whom you are.

So to speak.

CW

**Nikki_210** · 05-02-2010 02:07 PM

I dont know, i agree with you guys totally. It's confusing because i miss Tyler, all we had was a friendship but it felt like so much more. I respect my relationship and Becca way too much to cheat, but i feel like i have emotionally, i felt something for someone else. I'm married and there's a certain line you don't cross, i never crossed it once but i came close too. I enjoyed coming extremly close too it. The time we spent together, i looked forward too, now i feel like i have nothing to be excited about.

I love Becca so much, don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful person. I can't help but beat myself up at how i let myself feel, but then again i think, i did nothing, i didn't cheat.

Nikki