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Reply With QuoteI told him to stop and he wouldn't right away and told me it's supposed to hurt.
You don't have to go any further than that.
This is your answer.
Was I sexually assaulted?
A few days ago, a close friend I've known for a few years invited me over to his house. He wanted to know about my sexual history and other stuff about sex so I told him. Then he goes on about how guys want a woman that's confident in bed. I should of read between the lines in the message he sent me online and not gone over to his house.
I'm sure naive for being 30 and he knew that I'd give in whatever he told me to do because I liked him a lot as a friend.
We go inside, he gives me a front to front hug and says it between me and him only. Then I follow him into his room. He tells me to "get naked" Then I was like I didn't feel right about it because he's getting married to my best friend I've known since we were kids. He pressures me and talks me into it then guides me what to do. Then the "act" was somewhat painful and I told him to stop and he wouldn't right away and told me it's supposed to hurt.
After that I got dressed and he tells me to leave.
From the time I was there until I left it lasted like an hour and a half. I was in shock and still am that he would have me do something like that. Last night I was upset about and couldn't sleep. If my best friend ever finds out it wil break her heart and she'll probably hate me for life.
I want to confront him for what he did to me
I told him to stop and he wouldn't right away and told me it's supposed to hurt.
You don't have to go any further than that.
This is your answer.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Did he physically force you to do it? Did he verbally threaten you? Did he lock the doors? Did he forcefully undress you? Or were you being passive, either out of shock or fear, during the whole situation? I have filled a sexual assault report (also a 'friend') and this would 'not' count as one (my report did not go very far due to lack of evidence and witnesses. When you agree to go to a man's place it is impossible to prove you were against anything he was doing, unless he used violence that would show on your body. Unfortunately).
Looking at it coldly, from the outside, you did nothing to stop him while you could. You told him to stop only after you had already taken off your clothes and he had already started doing what he was doing. This did not give him the right to continue, of course, but I'm afraid you also did not handle this as well as you could have.
You have to confront him and tell your friend about it. You are probably not the first woman he does this with and certainly not the last.
stressed, I totally disagree.Originally Posted by stressed
Doesn't matter, stop means stop. No if's, and's, or but's.
Whatever she did to mitigate the situation doesn't change the fact that she told him to stop and he didn't.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
I think there is no doubt you were used. Taken advtange of, yes, especially if he knew you would do anything he said to do "go get naked", done and done. Abused, likely... if he was rough with you. Assaulted? If you said no, its very possible that you were assaulted.
If you are meaning in the eyes of the law? In the eyes of your best friend? Probably not. If he spoke sexually to you before asking you over... it would kind of show you knew what he wanted and went anyway. If he asked you to take your clothes off and go in the room and you also willingingly did so, again, goes to intent... as in what would a reasonable person expect if they were to take their clothes off and go into a bedroom with someone... etc etc.
If the sex were not rough, not painful... would you still feel assaulted? Do you take any responsibility for going over to be alone with your best friends fiance?
Are you feeling regretful for cheating, and then getting little pleasure out of it, mostly pain and now feeling just remorse over the whole situation?
At the point you said stop, he should have. I don't think your friend will be any sort of support to you with that however.
No man has a right to do anything to your body that you don't want. Is he in a position of power over you? Did you feel scared that if you didn't go over something bad would happen? Did you feel yourself in danger if you did not get naked and go in the room when he asked? Do you feel like you could have leaved at any point? Or did you feel trapped?
You'd likely risk your friendship by telling your friend what happened, but if you love her enough, thats a risk you should be willing to take. Because even if she is mad at you for going over there and doesn't want to talk to you anymore you can at least be of clear concscience that you did not let her marry a man that would behave in this manner... at least not while being ignorant of what he's capable of.
Even if you were a willfull participant... to know your fiance is capable of doing this with your best friend can make it painfully obvious he has zero respect for you. Who'd want to marry a man like that?
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
note that I don't mean just because you get naked and go in a room with a guy that he can then do whatever he wants to your body whether you say no or not. OF COURSE not.
you could be willingly having sex with someone then they do an act you don't want and you say no and its still rape.
Getting naked, agreeing to a sexual encounter with someone doesnt mean that they can then do whatever they want to with your body.
I just meant in the eyes of your friend, she won't see it as assault if you went to have sex with her fiance and then he provided you with an act you didn't like, didn't want....
And as for the law I don't know if that would be an act of sexual battery or assault but I know it would be a slippery slope.
I myself was assaulted in a manner where I think I could have stopped it from happening if I tried harder... so maybe my views are not coming from a good place.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
To answer everyone's questions, it's definitly a grey area. I mean, I could of been more assertive and put a stop to it before taking my clothes off. I was in shock during the whole situation that he would even think of doing something like that to me or cheat on his soon-to-be-wife. I went along passively out of fear and shock from the moment he lured me into his bedroom and telling me to "get naked"
I was feeling very little pleasure from him.
He did take advantage of me for sure.
I'm not saying he had the right to do what he did since she said stop. But she did agree to going to the bedroom, taking her clothes off going to bed with him and having sex with him. Up to this point it is not his fault. He did not drug her or gave her any drinks. He did not tell her "get your clothes off or else". He did not lock her inside the house. She had the opportunity to say no, to push him away, to leave, to keep her clothes on. However, I do understand that in a state of shock and fear nobody reacts in the best possible way and I feel for her.
But his mistake here, and where the assault was, started when the sex became a painful experience that he didn't stop when he was told to. Yes, this is assault, I'd even call it rape, but the law hardly ever recognizes it as such. So, law-wise it is not an assault. She willfully went to his place, undressed and agreed to having sex. Whether it was out of fear or shock it does not matter to the law. Personally speaking, yes, it was an assault in this sense. Whether her friend would think so? I doubt it. Whether he believes it was an assault? I very much doubt it as well.
But to me the assault only has to do with the part of him not stopping when she asked him to. I know it may sound horrible and cruel, but the reality is that she could not defend herself from such a man due to the state of shock she was. I don't blame her for it, people react differently, but she should have been more careful or at least be able to leave the place, if not when he invited her in the bedroom, at least when he asked her to take her clothes off. I don't mean to be rude or a (edit) here, but all women have to be very careful when it comes to visiting men by themselves. The opportunity of a man making a move on them must always be somewhere in the back of their minds. Most women I know have been in one such situation and they have all reacted differently.
But when a man you hardly know invites you to the bedroom, tells you to take your clothes off and you start having sex with him, you also have to deal with the consequences of what may happen next. This is not an assault. Maybe an emotionally awkward and difficult situation to handle, but not an assault. If that were the case then every cheating spouse could come out and say "I didn't want to have sex with this person, I was assaulted". But it doesn't work like that.
I guess, having been there myself and having managed to get out of it before it led to sex makes me biased, as if, if I can get away with it, being as small and not particularly strong as I am, then any woman can. I also told him "no" and wouldn't listen. I also thought it was all his fault in the beginning, but months later I realized that I was to blame too. I took an necessary risk and learnt from it.
But I can totally understand how difficult it can be to get out of such a situation. My boyfriend was shocked that I managed to get out of it in the way I did, he thought most women wouldn't act like this.
Last edited by LanaBear; 05-03-2010 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Can't bypass profanity filter with special characters.
Maybe I do need to tone it down a bit,
I still stand behind my original point though.
Yeah, she shouldn't have allowed herself to get into the situation in the first place. Regardless, that's a different issue and I think we both agree on that. But I won't budge on the issue that once she said to stop, it doesn't matter, he didn't, he crossed that line.
I have no idea how carebear is going to handle this. Right now with the thread as new as it is, I doubt she even knows how to handle this.
Last edited by LanaBear; 05-03-2010 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Fixing profanity in quote.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Yes, he crossed the line. I thought I honestly knew him well enough that he wouldn't do something like that. Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to handle this.Maybe I do need to tone it down a bit,
I still stand behind my original point though.
Yeah, she shouldn't have allowed herself to get into the situation in the first place. Regardless, that's a different issue and I think we both agree on that. But I won't budge on the issue that once she said to stop, it doesn't matter, he didn't, he crossed that line.
I have no idea how carebear is going to handle this. Right now with the thread as new as it is, I doubt she even knows how to handle this.
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