Disturbed and Confused

**elle86** · 05-05-2010 11:09 PM

I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend who is 33, for about a year and a half and have never had a reason not to trust him and have never been suspicious until recently.

Today I got on my computer, which my boyfriend also uses since we live together, and the page was already logged into my boyfriends email account. I normally would have just logged him out and moved on.

However, recently I've had suspicions of him with the 16 yr old who babysits his 4yr old. She is a pretty blond girl who is very well endowed and lets the whole world know it. I don't approve of her watching his son especially with her boobs popping out of her shirt and shorts that show her bottom but it is really not my place to say anything since he isn't my son. I know that my boyfriend definitely has a thing for very young blonds and of course big boobs and the other night he and the babysitter were at the house while I was on my way home with the 4yr old. When I came up to the door the door was locked. This is the only reason I even thought about checking his email.

What I found was much more scary than I had anticipated. I found a chat conversation between him and another man. They were discussing dressing up as women and having sex. From the conversation I found out that the other man, M, was married with 2 children and his wife was aware of his sexual behavior with other men. The conversation got very graphic and was difficult to read and process. Also, my bf asked M what his sissy name was and M responded, "what ever you want to call me". My bf said he will call him Allison, which is one of our mutual friends name. This also disturbed me quite a bit. They discussed what M, was going to wear and what my bf was going to do to him sexually. M, described what he liked to do sexually. In the conversation my boyfriend kept asking M when he was going to come over and was talking about how excited he was for him to come over. I never would have thought this would happen to me. I don't know what I should do. Should I confront him and risk him getting mad that I snooped? Should I hope it was a one time occurrence and move on? I won't even be able to have sex with him until I find out what is really going on. I am also planning to get tested. Please help, I'm kind of freaked out.

**rcoreyus** · 05-05-2010 11:26 PM

Several issues here. I'm generally very opposed to snooping, but not everyone will agree. In this case its done, and you've learned something.

I don't think it matters if it is a man or a woman he is seeing, or if it is for vanilla or kinky sex. What matters is that it sounds like he is cheating on you. Being Bi doesn't give him an excuse to cheat.

Now that you know he has these interests and acts on them - you need to decide what you want to do about it. He might stop - but he might not, and you will have a hard time trusting him in the future. If he doesn't stop - what do you want to do?

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 11:29 PM

Rightly so, if he is acting on this getting tested is a very good idea.
It's his business if this is what he wants, but if he wants you too, then it's your business as well. You need to know what the deal is.

The 16 yr old is way out of line and if there is anything going on there, nail him to the wall. He's twice her age and she's underage.

It sounds like he's a sexual adventurer and an opportunist. You need to be clear where he's at. Don't worry at this point how you found out, snooping is not cool but that's done. He wants another man, fine. Do you want to still be there? Only you can decide that and only if you know what's going on.

**LanaBear** · 05-05-2010 11:31 PM

That's pretty heart breaking...

I do think you need to talk to him about what you saw. Yeah, you snooped, not entirely cool, but you found what you did and now need to figure out how to move forward with that information.

Like rcorey said, being bi doesn't give you a get out of jail free card to cheat. You had your suspicions about the babysitter too.

So, regardless of male or female, if he cheated, are you willing to stay in the relationship?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-06-2010 12:16 AM

Ahhh Love. You suspect your man of being innappropriate with the minor babysitter, you've found that he is trying to meet up with a transvestite for sexual activites... and one of your biggest fears is worrying whether or not HE may be mad that you snooped

Its tragic. Even with all the betrayal you must be feeling right now, you still don't want to rock the boat or upset him. A lot will say what they will about snooping and when you dig enough you'll hit dirt.. and while I agree to some degree...

I think you snooped because your gut was already telling you something was amiss. Unforunately that tug on the gut is usually not enough to make a woman in love pack up and go. You need to know. I'm sure if you asked him, honey? are you sleeping with the babysitter? He'd say no. I'm sure if you asked him, honey? are you going to hook up with a transvestite? He'd say no.

So you snooped. And now you know more than you ever wanted to know. You are not going to let this slide... you're not. There is no way you can go on pretending to be unware of this... and even if you do try to dillude yourself you're going to panic everytime he's alone with the babysitter, everytime he goes out for the night alone, etc...

You don't trust him, and it sounds like... you shouldn't. You can tell him what you know and see what he has to say about it.

Either he will be releaved to get to tell you all the secrets he's been hiding and hope to gain your approval of them OR he will be furious at you for snooping deny everything and demand you act like you don't know what he's doing or go away... OR he's going to play the I'm so sorry, I was just curious, it will never happen again I love you card.

Its pretty much a chess game for how he will handle it or react, depending on if he doesn't want to lose what he has with you, or is indifferent to what he has with (i'm guessing the latter, as it seems he doesn't respect your relationship at all)

But even if its the latter, the selfish cheater doesn't want to lose his cake and eating it too... there is obviously something about you he's benefiting from, either genuinly or superficially... but he may try hard to cling to it.

You've been together a year and half, I'm sure you're devistated I am sure you love him, I am sure you don't want to leave and I'm sure you are hoping to wake up any moment to this being all just a bad dream.

I suggest taking some time out. If you do not live with each other don't go over for a while, if you live together go stay with a friend for a bit. Try to get some space inbetween you while you gain some perspective. If he is a violent man, has a temper I do not reccomend telling him what you found in person.

As some guys react very very poorly to having their sexual orientation called into question.

**Joey** · 05-06-2010 12:36 AM

Snooping is always a dodgey thing to do. 9 times out of 10 you will ALWAYS stumble upon something that you dont want to hear or see. But in this case, i think your snooping was worth it.

I dont think i could personally be able to really accept what he has done and move on, like you said, in secret almost. It would be constantly playing in the back of my mind all the time that i would no doubt end up telling him what i found - regardless whether or not he was annoyed at my snooping.

In my opinion, if this happened to me, i would definitly call this cheating - especially as they have arranged that he is coming over to obviously do these sexual things that they have been talking about. Even tho the actual 'act' of cheating hasnt taken place as of yet, i think that it is safe to assume (maybe) that that is what they are intending.

I couldnt live with the guy if he was doing that. I would definitly have to confront him.

**GlassDaemon** · 05-06-2010 01:39 AM

A. He cheated.

B. I don't consider what you did snooping. lol I do it to my boyfriend, if he leaves his phone laying around and it goes off I'll answer it, or pick it up and read the text. I think he said something about it the first time I did it and I told him not to leave it around then. I won't just randomly decide to read all his texts but his phone will keep going off every five minutes. >.> It's very annoying, plus my foot is broken so I can't exactly run down the stairs and give him the phone.

The same, to me, goes with emails, if I wanna get on the computer and he left his emails up I might be tempted to read them, shouldn't have left something laying around, or in this case, open, if he doesn't want me to know about it. Still, I'm pretty firm on sharing everything.

I think he was uncomfortable with it the first time I told him to tell me what my text said, he was like "what? you want me to do what?" lol, I thought it was funny. Course doesn't mean you should make a habit of it, people will get really mad if they spent a lot of time planning your surprise party and you go snooping and find out all about it!

I went way off topic with this post. XD Direct confrontation is always my method, back yourself up, write down all your details, make sure you know what you're going to say to him before you actually confront him. When people try to deny things, having dates and times makes it hard to play clueless.

**eleni** · 05-06-2010 12:15 PM

you need to talk to him
and you need to get tested

you weren't *snooping* since he left his e-mail account logged on.
i agree that you probably should have just signed off
but equally you had your suspicions and it was an easy way of seeing what was going on.
its not like you actively went looking.

also a 33 year old and a girl who is 16?
thats more than slightly messed up.

you absolutely need to confront him
because if he has cheated he's putting your health at risk
and even if you cant talk to him about the emotional ramifications
you have the right to not be put at risk from STI's.
so if you're nervous thats probably a good place to start from.

good luck and im so so sorry this has happened

x

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-06-2010 04:25 PM

He's cheating, and if it hasn't been taken to a physical point, it certainly will be.

For me, this would mean a. Tell him why you're leaving, take no if's and's or but's and LEAVE. b. Cut off all communication with him. c. MOVE on.

He won't want to lose you. People in general don't like to lose anything, whether they truly want it or not.

Your intuition told you something was wrong. Something IS wrong. Now it's time to follow a. b. & c.

**elle86** · 05-06-2010 04:50 PM

Thanks for all your input. This has helped me out a lot. I will confront him and hopefully try to work things out. I will give him another chance just because in the first week of our relationship I slipped up and slept with my ex because I was still in love with him and confused. He forgave me so I owe him that much. I do understand that it will not be easy to trust him again but I will give it a try. I will definitely be on my guard now.

Any ideas on how to present this information to him without him getting mad about the snooping?

I did snoop on my ex (we were in a long distance relationship and did not trust each other, I do not normally have a record of snooping) and found that he might have been cheating and when I confronted him he just blew up and denied everything. So I obviously went about it wrong that time.

I was kind of thinking of just bringing it up casually without accusations just let him know that I did see something and ask if he will talk to me about it?