Dealing with a married man

**beth72** · 05-07-2010 08:10 AM

Long story short. I reconnected 6 months ago with an old high school friend after 20 years when everyone was reconnecting for our reunion. He is married for 5 years and in the same unhappy relationship situation as I am. We started chatting as friend and it has developed into him wanting to meet me which I am very hesitant about at all since he is married even if it is just for lunch. I know we both want more but on both sides kids are involved and advised him to try to make it worth his wife or leave if he is that unhappy. He even asked to the point what would happen if in 6 months he was single and to just wait. I honestly don't know what to do. I try to hold myself to good moral values but I don't know what to do. I can't really talk to my friends about it since I would get the how awful it is to even talk to a married man. I believe everything in life happens for a reason but am wandering if its really that bad just to meet him for lunch?

**Mes T** · 05-07-2010 08:15 AM

If you guys were just platonic, his marriage status would be irrelevant, imo.

But clearly you're not.

Looks like he has the potential to go down a VERY messy road, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to choose to be a part of that.

If he is unhappy in his relationship and is starting to look elsewhere for whatever he needs, before settling/ending it with his wife, then that's his choice and his problem.

My advice: you don't need someone else's drama and mistakes.

Find an available fella.

**beth72** · 05-07-2010 08:23 AM

I have tried to help him in every way possible to help work things out with his wife. The reason I have not met him is due to the fact that it would only worsen the problem. I am sure I will ultimately tell him to fix this with his wife or leave her and not meet him. I honestly dont' want his mess and even though I live with my long time boyfriend marriage is still a sacred vow.Thanks for your advice. Sometime us women get jaded when we are just told things we want to hear and not the reality.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-07-2010 09:56 AM

You are not the right person to help him fix his problems with his wife, conflict of interest.

The harm in meeting for lunch is likely won't end there... feelings will continue to grow until each of you in your weakened states give in. Given that you are both committed, with kids -- it would take a miracle that you both end your relationships in a timely manner and get together while the iron is still hot.

One of you may leave your whole life, cause chaos in your family while the other may chicken out last minute and leave you with your life a mess/ or his.

You can't save each other from your unhappy relationships. You guys will have to do that on your own. Either by attempting to work it out or deciding there isn't anything you can fix. And leaving on your own because you are unhappy, and if things work out with each other, fine, if they don't they don't.

The problem with leaving a marriage FOR someone else, is they are then held to a much higher standard as such great sacrafice was made for them... its a lot to live up to, they may constantly be in regret -- "i can't believe I lost my kids for this"... no one wants to be the source of remorse.

If he wants to leave his wife... he'll leave her. Let it be of his own doing and not FOR you, but for himself and if you happen to be available later on you guys can try to make it work.

Affairs are beneath both of you. You're grown ups. Dark motel parking lots, hiding, lying, guilt etc.. its not quite as romantic as one might think.

My advice would be to not try to be a counselor to him for his marraige problems. You are a potential suitor as he is a potential suitor of you -- your not the right person for job just as he is not right person to help you with your relationship for the same reasons.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-07-2010 10:45 AM

He even asked to the point what would happen if in 6 months he was single and to just wait.

Then use that and do that...

You state that you have tried to talk to him about his marriage. You are in a relationship, "boyfriend" and are not happy either.

Ask yourself. Are you missing something in your relationship that you "think" this guy can give you? And, if so, can you work on your relationship in that, and revive it? If not, then you also need to walk away from your relationship and not stay in a relationship that you are not happy with and don't believe you can fix.

You mention children... In, that I would say to you "don't tempt fate" they will have a lot to deal with.

Lonliness, un-happiness, temps us to do what otherwise, we know that we would not ever do..

Change the lonliness and un-happiness to solve your problem.

CW