WHY does he do this?????

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-07-2010 07:46 PM

This month he is off weekends, so we haven't done anything since Monday but talk and text. (For those that don't know, he works B shift and I work days). I guess I didn't put it all together the past few days, but this morning it sort of hit me "Hmm he's been acting weird, like somethings bothering him.". OF COURSE he didn't mention it to me. So I ask him earlier "Are you okay? You've seemed like somethings been bothering you this week?". He says "I've just been doing alot of thinking about things. Planned to talk to you about it this weekend". Of course that leaves me hanging, especially considering i won't see him until tomorrow. I said "Like about what?" He says "everything". UGH!! GRRRRRR. So I say "can I have an example?" (I mean, why not, I should be able to know what to prepare myself for) and he says "like finances and stuff, I want my dog to have a backyard to play in" (he lives in an apt). And I said "I don't get it? Why would you put off talking to me about your finances, when they have nothing to do with me?" And he said "FORGET IT!".

Ummm.........hello? I DESPISE when he does this. So just because you've actually been "THINKING" about things this week, you have to act like something is wrong? I mean, obviously I noticed, and obviously I cared enough to mention it. So OBVIOUSLY if he hadn't been acting like something was wrong, I would have never mentioned it. Keep in mind, he just talked with me a couple months ago about wanting to buy a house. I told him to go for it, but that I thought it would be a good idea to really focus on paying off his student loans and credit card first. Since then, maybe he has been paying extra on them. I don't know, it's none of my business, I don't ask.

I just don't get why if somethings on his mind (that's not negative), why he has to act for days like somethings wrong, not mention it, not tell me anything like "I've been thinking alot today about buying a house" etc but wait until our time off this weekend to "discuss" it and refuse to tell me what the "other" stuff he's been thinking about is until one of our days to spend together doing something ENJOYABLE!

After the "FORGET IT!!", he text me about 10 minutes later and said "I haven't gotten good sleep this week. Sorry". I replied "That was totally uncalled for."

ARrrrgggggggh!!!!! Why oh why can't I UNDERSTAND men!?!?

**sourpuss** · 05-07-2010 08:48 PM

Maybe he was wanting to ask if he could move in with you? Could be a touchy subject since you've brought up the fact that you feel overwhelmed by him not helping as much as he could.

If it were me, I'd cool down and bring it up this weekend (not right away though!) But bring it up in a cheery way. "Hey, did you still want to talk to me about all that stuff you've been thinking about?"

I don't know. I think the 'finances' thing was just part of it. Otherwise, why would he seem stressed and grumpy towards you. It doesn't have anything to do with you. But I know for me, if something is on my mind, it may start as something simple like that- then the more I dwell on it, it just snowballs and suddenly I'm questioning my relationship, my life, my future...etc. So that may be what he's doing. Especially if he hasn't been sleeping much.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-07-2010 09:00 PM

Yep, Sourpuss I was thinking the same thing... when you said "I don't get it? Why would you put off talking to me about your finances, when they have nothing to do with me?" he probably was a bit dissapointed... maybe he hoped you would realize what he was hinting at since its way more appropriate for the one with the home to do the inviting in... rather than the one without the home... inviting themself... awkward.

Maybe he hoped you'd catch the hint and make it your idea... he really doesn't seem comfy dealing with you on so many subjects and it doesn't sound like you are terribly hard on him... but rather say exactly what you think, and are ... very direct. Him being less direct, its likely rather .... intimidating.

Sounds like if he wanted to talk about it WITH you... it would have something to do with you, you automatically assuming it doesn't and saying so... might just back him into the "oh forget it, I didn't have anything to say corner" in fear of your reactions?

**KMonte85** · 05-07-2010 09:04 PM

Maybe I'm totally off base, but that to me sounds exactly like passive-aggressive behavior.

If he's feeling like something is amiss, he needs to be direct with you. Not act huffy or "off" for a week until you feel inclined to ask what the problem is. Then to add insult to injury, he feeds you a little "snippet" of what's bugging him and what you're going to discuss some time in the future, then acts angry and tells you "forget it" when you try to push further for him to communicate his issue with you. So then whose fault is it? That's not playing fair.

And what happened? You've now written a post with two very interesting quotes...

I just don't get why...

and

Why oh why can't I UNDERSTAND men!?!?

Are you sure it is YOU that needs to learn/analyze/refocus here? Methinks you've been duped by the maddening characteristics of passive agression, where one never says exactly what they mean, and somehow gets you to take the blame for them being misunderstood. Recognize the pattern... I've seen this in my own relationship before, so that's why this scenario kind of screams out at me.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-07-2010 09:23 PM

He knows I'm not ready for a roomie. I've been very open about that. And since he just brought up the house thing like a month ago, wanting to buy, wanting to start looking, wanting to pay things off, I don't think he means moving in with me. He knows he'd have my 100% support in buying a home.

The S hit the fan at lunch. I totally lost my temper (which I've actually never done with him before). He's frustrated me many many times, but this time he talked down to me and I sort of let him have it.

I called him on lunchbreak after his "FORGET IT" earlier in attempt to explain why I responded the way I did and that I clearly didn't mean it the way he took it else he wouldn't have responded "FORGET IT". I explained that I noticed a change in his behavior like something was bothering him, not assuming it had anything to do with me at all, and so I asked him specifically that. When he responded and said "I'm fine just been thinking about everything this week" (or something similar to that), of course then I think that's his response to what I asked. Then he said that the finances and stuff were just part of it, that he's been thinking about alot of other things too. He said "I'm fine. NOTHING is wrong, I just wanted to talkto you about some stuff cause you're my UM GIRLFRIEND!?!" His tone was already rude. I explained that I'm totally fine with him talking to me, but that he should understand I"m human and when you tell me you've been thinking about everything and planned to talk to me about it over the weekend, in response to me asking if somethings bothering you, I'm GOING to think you're "talk" with me is related to why you've been bothered. GEEZ. How can he not get that?! If your BF said that to you, wouldn't you be gritting your teeth in anticipation of "oh my...he's seemed bothered all week, and now he wants to have a talk with me this weekend?". I don't like dreading my weekends, I'd rather just know what's going on. He then sort of changed his story and said if he had been acting different it was because of lack of sleep. I'm like "well then when I asked if something was wrong why didn't you just tell me that??"

I have only asked him if something was wrong or bothering him a handful of times in our relationship. Almost EVERY TIME he's told me "I'm fine", when I later find out he's not fine at all. Earlier he said " I told you I was fine". And I said "you always say that, I just never know" and he popped off something about "what can I say that you'll BELIEVE?". Rude again. Uncalled for. I started to get a little ticked. And I said "Come on, you know that almost every time you've said "I'm fine" you're not fine. You know you've said that many times when it wasn't so. Take responsibility for what you say, don't put it off on me every time you say something you don't mean" and he said "DON'T tell ME WHAT TO DO!!". Then smoke came out of my ears, I said a few expletives (which I've NEVER done with him) and hung up and have ignored his attempts at contact since.

I should have just hung up when he was rude to me. That would have spared the explosion. Being mad is not productive. It's BAD for me. I know that, and I hate that feeling. I try so hard to NOT take things personally, and I find myself a much more positive person for that. But I felt like he was very disrespecting to me, and for no reason. I won't take that gracefully from anyone. I felt like I was being a good girlfriend by noticing that he seemed a little "off" this week and showing some concern. Yikes.

Are you sure it is YOU that needs to learn/analyze/refocus here?

Good point. He text me after I hung up on him and after he tried to call me back and said "That got taken way outta hand". Yeah, I'm sure that's my fault too. :\

**sourpuss** · 05-07-2010 09:42 PM

This whole situation sort of reminds me of the problems my bf and I have communicating. Except I'm like your bf and my bf is like you.
I've found that sometimes I'd rather just say 'I'm fine' when I fell like I know how's he's going to respond. Then I just need to be left alone to get over what's bothering me. Doesn't work, and it's counter productive, I admit. But it avoids a big, unnecessary fight.

If he says he's fine, then just say 'Ok, just thought I'd check since it seemed like something was bothering you. I'm glad you're ok. So what do you feel like doing this weekend.'

Either he'll let it go and have to be ok with whatever is bothering him, or he'll have to open up and talk about it without getting mad. You can't read his mind, nor should you have to. You gave him the chance to tell you what was up and if he doesn't want to talk about it, prying it out of him will only cause a fight.

**KMonte85** · 05-07-2010 09:49 PM

Now I'm convinced it is passive agressive behavior... you might want to do some searches on how to respond to this stuff. The whole he acts oddly, you inquire, he says 'I'm fine', you say 'okay' or keep trying to get him to open up, it comes back to bite you in the bum later on.

Isn't it funny how it works out so well... They do not yell, they are not so undignified as to lose their temper. They'll leave that up to you, so that, once again, they can justify that they are the ones in control. While you, on the other hand, are clearly a difficult and hurtful person. And then whose fault is the fight (yet again)?

Like I mentioned before, I saw this with my own boyfriend when we moved in together. I'd ask him to do something, he'd constantly "forget" and after him forgetting 50 times, I would do it myself. Then I blew a fuse, he got an earfull and I looked like the crazy one. Other times I'd ask if he was okay when he was acting crabby, he'd say "I'm fine" but it wouldn't be fine. Then at a later time the issue would finally come up and his response was "well you dropped the subject so quickly when I said I'm fine, I figured you didn't care." Anger ensued on my part.

I've just learned to be direct and assertive. Your gut tells you when he's doing this. Nip it in the bud.

**sourpuss** · 05-07-2010 09:53 PM

Sounds like he's the type that wants you to pry it out of him. I think for some people, it's a way of reassuring that you care about them. It just stems from insecurity within the relationship.
From what I gather based on your other posts, I think he feels a bit intimidated by your independence. This could surely cause him to be insecure about whether or not you really 'need' him in a relationship. Guys need that reassurance on a daily basis. It's just the way they are wired.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-07-2010 09:53 PM

He said not to tell him what to do... and that made you furious, understood ... but... he stood up for himself and spoke what his gut said ... which is something you said you wanted him to do in the past isn't it? To say what he is feeling and be direct and not put his hands in pockets and be wishy washy?

If he's direct and you get mad, if he's passive aggressive or weak and doesn't say whats bothering him, you get mad... it doesn't seem like theres a way he can express himself that won't land him in the dog house?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-07-2010 10:04 PM

If he says he's fine, then just say 'Ok, just thought I'd check since it seemed like something was bothering you. I'm glad you're ok. So what do you feel like doing this weekend.'

Either he'll let it go and have to be ok with whatever is bothering him, or he'll have to open up and talk about it without getting mad. You can't read his mind, nor should you have to. You gave him the chance to tell you what was up and if he doesn't want to talk about it, prying it out of him will only cause a fight.

But see, that's not all he said. If he had just responded and said "I'm fine", true, I wouldn't have believed him (because thats how he responds when he's NOT fine), but I'd have said "okey dokey hope you have a good Friday". But he responded, "I'm fine. Just been thinking and analyzing everything the past few days. I planned on talking to you about it this weekend." Maybe I should have just said "ok!" but I felt like it was unfair like Kmonte said to act weird all week, then when I care enough to ask, get tidbits of info and be expected to just wait in anticipation during my time off not knowing what in the world this is about.

Other times I'd ask if he was okay when he was acting crabby, he'd say "I'm fine" but it wouldn't be fine. Then at a later time the issue would finally come up and his response was "well you dropped the subject so quickly when I said I'm fine, I figured you didn't care." Anger ensued on my part.

Makes me mad too. But I figure, if you don't care enough to TELL me what's wrong when I ask, then do you really care about me? You know if you're acting like somethings wrong, it's going to affect me too, so if you truly care, why not tell me?

And in this case, if he's truly not been BOTHERED by anything, and is just tired this week, why not just say so?

I know I'm far from perfect, but this whole saying stuff and then later acting like you didn't mean what you said, is getting old. Thats what I meant when I said "Take responsibility for what you say!". Don't reveal to me you're not fine after you've told me you are, and then the next time you say "i'm fine", expect me to fully 100% believe it. And he's the king of saying something and then at a later date saying "yeah, I don't know why I said that". Good grief. :\

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