Controlling relationship..originally

**Ariselle** · 05-12-2010 05:04 AM

I'm posting because I'd like some advice on how to handle this relationship, how to get out, if you think that's what I should do (how to break up if you think that's right), and what I should do.

It started as a friendship, he was there for me when another relationship ended. I had no self esteem left from the previous relationship. I thought no one could love me again.

He told me he was bisexual, and I was fine with that. I didn't know it meant that he actually had someone already. I dealt with it for a long time... he would hang up on me when they came over and we were on the phone. I was sent a mean e-mail at one point. He would complain that I hated the other person. I tried to befriend the other person...but every opportunity was taken to bait me and hurt me emotionally.

The emotional abuse was very hard to deal with. He would yell at me, call me horrible names, bring up things about my life (that I don't have a lot of privacy, that I am not finished with a degree, that I failed classes in college, that I am "always tired" at 4-6 am...he would make me stay up by guilting me "Guess you're done with me. Guess you're done being with me. Guess you're tired of me." He has gotten a little bit better about the emotional abuse. He doesn't call me names so much anymore, and he can be very nice sometimes...but this is bad because it makes me feel guilty for thinking bad of him or wanting to get away. I hope that makes sense.

The biggest problem I have is the other person...he is going away with them this week for a vacation. I am supposed to move there (give up my whole life where I live and everything...and also expected to share). He pressured me for months to buy a plane ticket and give up my life. I don't want to. I really don't want to.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-12-2010 05:22 AM

It started as a friendship, he was there for me when another relationship ended. I had no self esteem left from the previous relationship. I thought no one could love me again.

Oh sweetheart, you went from the frying pan to the fire... People will say whatever and they will take the vulnerable.

He is bi, he likes his partner, he has put you down . Bi-sexual means they will swing both ways and so, his partner will too.. They are playing on your emotions, their fantasy and trying to hood wink you, to be their "slave" in my opinion, sexually.

I don't want to. I really don't want to.

Because you can see the writing on the wall, you so much just want to be loved, but you weren't and trusted the next person that entered you life, just to try to feel love..

Don't let this trickster trick you.. the answer is no, and the answer is get lost, and have a good life with your partner, I am ready and aiming at an exclusive relationship and one whereby I am treated respectfully.

If I could swear now? I would, but alas, I can't...

Please see the pattern and your self worth and get now...

Take time out for you.. .Don't look. Work on you and what it is you want and then when your ready go get it.

CW

**Suzi** · 05-12-2010 05:25 AM

Hi Ariselle,

If I were you I would ask myself what I wanted from a relationship and then look at what you've written and see if it matches up.

This guy seems to be keeping you in a lot of confusion about your place in his life. Are you his girlfriend or his friend? It sounds as though you don't know and are content to swap friend/girlfriend status as it suits him.

I think if he wants a romantic or sexual relationship with you then you have a right to demand fidelity. I don't think the fact he's bisexual comes into it - whatever his sexuality if he wants you then he picks you, to the exclusion of all others.

Begin with that - decide which status you want and set some basic expectations. If he can't or won't meet them, if he refuses to give the other person up then I think you have to walk away.

How is this relationship doing you any favours? You are in a competition, he's not committed to you or acting in your best interests (how is guilt-tripping you for not being awake at 4am loving?)

I think you there are some basic rights you can demand: love and fidelity.

Your last sentences say it all - you don't want to. If I was you I'd finish whatever relationship you have with him - it's not loving, it's just giving you stress. Why are you even considering starting a new life in a new place with him? Surely you need to 'begin again' with building a relationship based on trust, loyalty and fidelity, not game playing and competitions. Then worry about the plane ticket.

Hope that helps,

Suzi.

**KMonte85** · 05-12-2010 07:37 AM

Ariselle, I think you already know what you must do for yourself. You're unhappy, you feel used, cheated, emotionally drained, and pressured... none of which adjectives that should describe a healthy relationship.

You're right. This is a controlling relationship. That "man" (for lack of a better term that I can't use on this forum) is controlling you, telling you that you must uproot and go to him and the other person he's cheating on you with. Hanging up on you when the other person comes into the room to show you just where you sit on the totem pole. Yelling at you, calling you names, throwing any and all shortcomings in your face to make you feel worthless. You are being controlled, but now is the time for you to take that control back. You can do this. You NEED to do this for your own well being.

Next time you speak with him - tell him it is over. You are NOT moving there. You are NOT going to be with someone who won't be monogomous with you. You will NOT tolerate name calling and bullying. But you WILL turn over a new leaf, treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, and expect (or, rather DEMAND) the same treatment from anyone in your life. You know you have this in you. You want to be happy and feel loved and appreciated. You deserve it. And you need to get that scumbag out of your life so you can really start LIVING

Please keep us updated on how you are doing, and how you're progressing in this abusive situation (hopefully telling us you've ended the abuse!). We're here to support you and we're in your corner every step of the way!

**WildChild** · 05-12-2010 08:15 AM

The guy's an A-hole. Refund the plane ticket, block his number or any calls from his area code, quit answering any emails or any other form of contact and set yourself free. Don't get involved with ANYONE else until you've given yourself at least a year to heal and feel strong within yourself.

**Ariselle** · 05-16-2010 07:59 PM

Thank you all for the loving responses. I mean it--thank you so much.

I've been a bit confused this week because he's been on his trip, but he's been texting me A LOT (and called yesterday too). That is, he's with the other person...eating, sleeping, spending every moment with them, but he's still contacting me. He says he "loves me even though it doesn't seem like it". He says that in two days, if I fly out and move or not, he'll know if I am "serious" or not about the relationship.

I can only go off of what I feel. I feel like if he really loved me, he wouldn't have gone away with someone else. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be pressuring me. I argued extensively with him, trying to get him to see my side...but he sees this as me "being mean and (edit)". He says the texting and calling counts for something, and that I should see the effort. It feels a bit...cheap because he's doing this while he's with someone else, and I just...don't understand why he doesn't see that himself. He says it's not cheating because I stayed with him after finding out he was with someone else (he told me, but he told me it was over...and there's been a series of that kind of thing...and I don't believe it will ever end now).

He's been nicer to me in the past three months (only few times did he call me names or yell at me). It's been a big change....and I appreciate that he's trying so hard there... I do love him. I honestly do. I miss him while he's away (I know it sounds genuinely pathetic).

After arguing, after crying for a few days, being unable to sleep....and the effort he put in with texting, is it okay for me not to go? Is it okay for me to walk away? I am very unhappy with him being with someone else, and I have no hope that this will ever change.

**Mes T** · 05-16-2010 08:42 PM

Hmmmm let's see... You're basically asking if you should ruin your life and be happy just because for this past while he has texted you more than in the past?

Leave him, learn to love yourself, set your standards a bit higher, and find someone who deserves you and you deserve.

End of story!

**Ariselle** · 05-16-2010 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Hmmmm let's see... You're basically asking if you should ruin your life and be happy just because for this past while he has texted you more than in the past?

Leave him, learn to love yourself, set your standards a bit higher, and find someone who deserves you and you deserve.

End of story!

Oh, no, that's not what I mean.... he's in Vegas with the other person.. Not that that makes it better, it makes it worse...

Just, am I being unfair because he's taking time to text me and called me that time, while he's with them? Am I overlooking his effort to be better to me? Or am I..just deluding myself?

**caterpillar79** · 05-16-2010 09:04 PM

The effort he has put in texting/calling you is not enough to show that he is loyal to you and loves you enough to focus on you. Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life? a second fiddle?

It is but fair to you if you walk away and look after your well-being first and foremost. He has to do more than texting and calling you if you should stay and it is not happening. It is not something one does in a few days or weeks and go back to his old system, but of months and/or years of consistency, loyalty, of love and respect of your feelings.

Move on and love yourself more.

I would like to re-emphasize what WC said,

Originally Posted by WildChild

The guy's an A-hole. Refund the plane ticket, block his number or any calls from his area code, quit answering any emails or any other form of contact and set yourself free. Don't get involved with ANYONE else until you've given yourself at least a year to heal and feel strong within yourself.

**Ariselle** · 05-16-2010 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by caterpillar79

The effort he has put in texting/calling you is not enough to show that he is loyal to you and loves you enough to focus on you. Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life? a second fiddle?

It is but fair to you if you walk away and look after your well-being first and foremost. He has to do more than texting and calling you if you should stay and it is not happening. It is not something one does in a few days or weeks and go back to his old system, but of months and/or years of consistency, loyalty, of love and respect of your feelings.

Thank you.
He says the effort should count for something, and that had I moved already, he wouldn't have gone to Vegas with the other person (whom I say he is cheating with and he insists it is not cheating because it is with a male).
He does a good job of convincing me that I'm just being "a bit--" and that my feelings are no valid. I'm glad others see my side and that I am not crazy!