Trying to find the balance...finances

**kygirl** · 05-13-2010 09:19 AM

Money, Money, Money.... It's changed lives, changed people, changed nations...

I am really working on figuring out how to find some balance... We're approaching the 5 month mark in a couple weeks, and things are great, but I feel like there is still a bit of push and pull financially. I have always been a spender up until I started paying off my debt. That reduced my excess spending by about 95%... But I am not sure how to find a good balance and equality in my relationship.

He pays for meals a lot and maybe I'm old fashioned but he makes more than I do and I honestly kind of expect him to pay unless I tell him I'm taking him out or I surprise him and steal the check. I do this probably once every two weeks (we eat out probably 3-4 times a week). BUT I also cook meals about 1-2 times a week and I normally buy the food and I also bring him snacks and stuff to eat during the week since he's not much of a shopper.

I feel torn...sometimes I feel like he thinks I should do more, but I don't want to keep tabs and be like, I spent $30 on groceries and cooked you a meal and paid $25 for snacks last week, etc... And at the same time, he wants me to get my debt paid off so if I try to pay *too* much I feel like he gets upset because he wants to buy me things and wants me to have my money to pay off my debt...

It's not just food, it's outtings, etc. I have bought pretty much all our theatre tickets but he buys the movie tickets but the ratio is way more pricey on what I pay for... I guess I just don't want him to feel like I'm not contributing, but I don't want to have to get to where it's like we're keeping a running tab on who owes what...

How do we strike a balance? What's worked for you and your SO? Do you and your SO have different views of money, and if so, how do you work that to *help* each other instead of hurt?

**pretzel** · 05-13-2010 09:43 AM

Well, when you guys find that formula let me know cause I need to get my wife to understand this concept as well.

My suggestion, since you two really seem to be headed in the direction where this relationship is going to be long term, it seems about the right time to start the early stages of budgeting combined money (not entirely though).

Tell him, we should both put so much aside for "miscellaneous" items. Things you mentioned would come out of that pot. He'll know that you're serious about contributing and at the same time also know that your other obligations are equally important.

**KMonte85** · 05-13-2010 10:12 AM

blah, that's a tough one! I'm not sure there are many couples out there who have mastered the art of shared finances! Lord knows it was a big point of contention in my own! I blew up at my boyfriend over money stuff when we first started living together because I thought he wasn't pulling his weight on the house bills. Not the best way to handle it, I should have just talked about when I first noticed it instead of stewing and then getting mad.

Eventually we just decided that one person will pay some of the bills and the other will cover the rest. One pays the electric, the other pays the cable/internet. One pays the mortgage, the other covers the groceries, and we both put contribute to an account for fun stuff (vacations, or frivolous buys) and for security (say, if the furnace or water heater dies). I pay a bit more, because I make a bit more. It has worked for us thus far, granted its just been a couple months.

Only you two can decide what works for you, there's no standard equation for couples and their finances. I'd suggest just asking him once.. tell him you've got it on your mind and you want to make sure you're both comfortable with how the expenses are split. To me it seems as though you're both doing well and being pretty fair about who incurs the most expense, especially given your lower income and higher debt. But fair is subjective to the people involved... and you're really just going to have to talk about it and make sure you're both on the same page.

**kygirl** · 05-13-2010 10:27 AM

Thanks Pretzel and KM for the great suggestions...

I think my biggest concern with him is making it seem too much like we're rushing towards marriage. He has expressed concerns about that previously (for good reason), and although I want us to be moving in a positive direction towards being together longterm I also don't want it to come across the wrong way.

I'm not sure comingling the finances would be good at this point... Definitely something to think about in the next couple of months, but at this point, I was looking for something a bit different... I'd provide a suggestion, but just not sure what that is...

Would it seem too negative/confrontational to just talk to him and let him know that I don't want him to feel like he's doing too much... But then again, I feel like he might just say he's not. It's really hard to read what he means by things sometimes because he realizes that he's a bit "overprotective" of his money at times. But it is very confusing for me when he takes me out to a nice dinner and then the next day acts like he's spending too much money... It makes me feel like I shouldn't let him, but then he acts like he wants to... idk...

**pretzel** · 05-13-2010 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

Thanks Pretzel and KM for the great suggestions...

I think my biggest concern with him is making it seem too much like we're rushing towards marriage. He has expressed concerns about that previously (for good reason), and although I want us to be moving in a positive direction towards being together longterm I also don't want it to come across the wrong way.

I'm not sure comingling the finances would be good at this point... Definitely something to think about in the next couple of months, but at this point, I was looking for something a bit different... I'd provide a suggestion, but just not sure what that is...

Would it seem too negative/confrontational to just talk to him and let him know that I don't want him to feel like he's doing too much... But then again, I feel like he might just say he's not. It's really hard to read what he means by things sometimes because he realizes that he's a bit "overprotective" of his money at times. But it is very confusing for me when he takes me out to a nice dinner and then the next day acts like he's spending too much money... It makes me feel like I shouldn't let him, but then he acts like he wants to... idk...

Honestly I don't think you would have to put it that way. Say to him that you want him to feel that when it comes to the way money is spent for things you both are doing for each other that he doesn't get the impression that it's one sided. The thing about "overprotective" one day and "extravagant" the next sort of tells me he is thinking about it also, but in different terms.

I don't think it's really negative or confrontational on your part to say that it's something to think about. Putting it in a way where you can let him know that yes you enjoy the nicities, it's not the highest priority for you but that you don't want it to be viewed that way.

Candor can sometimes be the best option. He may not see that what you spend is just as important to you as what he spends. But the hard reality is that a dollar is a dollar no matter where it goes. If it goes out of your hand, it's gone. It doesn't matter whether it's a nice restaurant or the local grocery for things to cook at home.

**KMonte85** · 05-13-2010 10:47 AM

yeah its different for you guys since you aren't living together or anything, but you could still just get on the same page for who pays what, he buys dinner, you pay for groceries when you make dinner, he buys movie tix, you buy theater tix, etc...

talking about finances doesn't = marriage, so he shouldn't feel like that's what your perogative is! But if he's spending money, and then acting resentful about spending money then its something to talk about, so no one's left in the dark wondering what the other is thinking.

My advice would be, next time you feel like he's talking about or acting in a way that seems like he wishes he wasn't spending money, then ask him how he feels - does he think he's spending too much, worried about finances, etc? There's no problem with that, especially if he's fine talking about your debt and your spending habits. Why not ask him if he's comfortable with his, or if maybe something needs to be scaled back, because he acts like it bothers him sometimes...

**kygirl** · 05-13-2010 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

My advice would be, next time you feel like he's talking about or acting in a way that seems like he wishes he wasn't spending money, then ask him how he feels - does he think he's spending too much, worried about finances, etc? There's no problem with that, especially if he's fine talking about your debt and your spending habits. Why not ask him if he's comfortable with his, or if maybe something needs to be scaled back, because he acts like it bothers him sometimes...

That's a very good idea KM... The thing that makes it difficult for me (and a bit frustrating) is that he doesn't mention it until after we have the plans... It's like he feels pulled... I understand that. I mean, in my trying to become more frugal, it's a tough battle, and I know he wants to feel like he is making me happy. The problem is that once something is planned or done, I can't take it back. Things are often non-refundable or we've already eaten, or whatever the case may be. And then if I try to help and he tells me I need to save my money, it's just a jumble of mixed messages

I'll try to be more aware and ask better questions before we do things and see if that works.. the craziness is that sometimes he's fine with a $80 dinner then seems like $15 lunch was too much...there's not real price point

**kygirl** · 05-13-2010 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by pretzel

I don't think it's really negative or confrontational on your part to say that it's something to think about. Putting it in a way where you can let him know that yes you enjoy the nicities, it's not the highest priority for you but that you don't want it to be viewed that way.

.

I do think that he somehow feels like he must wine and dine me... I am not sure why. I think a lot of it could spring from him being out of the dating pool for so long. Some of it too, I think, is the fact that for some reason I was kind of viewed on some sort of pedestal by a lot of guys at school. I'm not really sure where that springs from exactly, but I dont know if maybe he's afraid I'm going to run off if he can't get me nice things or something like that? I've told him I don't have unrealistic expectations about things like that.

I also feel like sometimes he thinks he's not attractive enough and that I'm somehow with him because of money... To me, that is silly (which I have told him). He does look different than guys I've dated before but I am not the kind of girl who only is concerned with money and things. i was never raised that way, and although it's nice, there are many more important things in my life.

**KMonte85** · 05-13-2010 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I'll try to be more aware and ask better questions before we do things and see if that works.. the craziness is that sometimes he's fine with a $80 dinner then seems like $15 lunch was too much...there's not real price point

lol I can kinda relate to him!

I'm a frugal person myself, and on one hand it really bugs me if I feel I splurged too much on a new top, or spent too much eating out for lunch that week... but on the other I've been known to head out to run errands, end up in a furniture store and drop a $1000 or so on furniture or appliances for my house without batting an eye. It's not so much to me about the quantity of dollars spent, as it is how frivolous the purchase was. Weird, I know...

So maybe it bugs your boyfriend more about WHAT the money is being spent on and if it could have been used better elsewhere? Again, something you could ask when you're noticing he's kind of upset about having spent money...

**pretzel** · 05-13-2010 11:40 AM

I agree with KM (without her spending habits) that maybe it's more on what it's spent on.

Also, side note, I've seen your pics and throughout our interactions, I may be able to relate somewhat to your bf's fears. I've said it before you're an extremetly beautiful, intelligent young lady. Many a man would be honored to be in his shoes.

Back to the issue at hand, in response to that, is his insecurity over his own self image. I've mentioned before in your own handling of certain issues not to let your self doubts cloud your confidence. Here seems to be a situation where you can relay that same message to him.

Maybe he needs to know he's won the prize and that your love and commitment is the prize. He could use a nice dose of self confidence that it was him and him alone who you want to be with. Just a thought.