just moved in together and its not working

**Kaystrwbry42** · 05-17-2010 12:04 AM

We've been together for 10 months and known each other for 7 years or so. It really felt right and we promised we wouldn't give up on each other. We talked a lot.

Our problem is now that we've moved in together it feels weird when he doesn't come home at night when out with friends. It feels weird when he goes out with friends without me. He's told me he needs that space but I go whole days without seeing him and I'm stuck unpacking boxes. I feel weird shouldn't we be all over each other when we move in? not constantly with other people? I love him so much but I end up feeling lonely most of my days

What can I do?

**Mes T** · 05-17-2010 12:13 AM

It's possible that because you've moved in together, he's gotten a glimpse of how a lot of relationships go downhill from there, in the sense that some couples are together SO often that they start losing their friends, stop pursuing their separate interests, and essentially lose who they are because an essential level of independence begins to vanish.

Try to give him the space he thinks he needs. I think he'll "calm down" quickly, as soon as he realizes that yes he can still have his life and be who he is, AND live with the woman he loves at the same time.

If he goes out often, you should maybe consider doing the same. Don't sit at home alone unless you WANT that time completely to yourself.

Make plans together, strategically spaced apart. "Hey honey, these next couple of weekends we both have some commitments to our friends that we should fulfill, but how about the third weekend of this month we spend a couple of days catching up on all the movies we want to see? The weather should be really nice, too, so we could go on a picnic in that park I've been wanting to visit."

You know? Something like that. Nothing that pressures him to say goodbye to his buddies forever, but something that lets him know that it's important to you to have that alone time together.

**Kaystrwbry42** · 05-17-2010 01:17 PM

yeah that makes a lot of sense. I am less busy than him so this is definitely a contributing factor. I certainly don't want to break up but I also want to be happy too. Space will be key the next few weeks

**pretzel** · 05-17-2010 01:32 PM

I agree with Mes in that I think he'll "calm down" if that's what you prefer to call it.

However, this is a major change in the dynamics of the relationship. He didn't get dragged into it. He's just as responsible for this decision.

He can't run away from it claiming he doesn't want to leave that part of his life behind. Sorry, he admitted wanting you first and foremost in his life and that this is a continuation of that commitment. If he wanted a roommate to help with the bills, Craigslist would have been a better alternative.

**sourpuss** · 05-17-2010 01:36 PM

The fact that he's not helping you unpack is worrisome.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-17-2010 03:26 PM

I'm not getting a good feeling about this.

Why did you all decide to move in together?

**Yvee** · 05-17-2010 08:45 PM

I wouldn't worry about it.
I would talk to him and ask him specifically with what, where, when you need help with. Don't make vague hints about the fact that you want him home more often, just be direct, but not controlling.
As for him going out with his friends, I would say that that is normal too. Everyone needs a night out.

Maybe he's just scared because be realizes that you are taking another step towards the Big Scary Commitment.

**darcdante** · 05-17-2010 11:53 PM

Originally Posted by Yvee

Maybe he's just scared because be realizes that you are taking another step towards the Big Scary Commitment.

Along those same lines, he could be setting boundaries, perhaps larger than they need to be (whole days without seeing him seems weird to me if it's fairly regular). Some men don't want to lose their friends which is a common occurrence in a relationship because things like unpacking come first. I'm of the mindset that he should help finish unpacking before going out with friends, as sourpuss said.

Does he believe in traditional gender roles? Because he seems to be purposefully creating them. You shouldn't feel lonely, nor should you be doing all the unpacking alone. Missing your SO is healthy, but not if it's all the time and by choice rather than circumstance. How late does he come home when he's out with friends? Are you already asleep or does he at least make sure to spend an hour or two with you before bed? Also, is he drinking when he goes out?

**Kaystrwbry42** · 05-18-2010 09:48 PM

he is drinking when he goes out, more than 2 times a week and usually too much. I have told him that it hurts me to see him that way. I also have been told by him that drinking is part of being himself.

We've been talking frequently and he's promised to stay home at night when we're moving in still. He has apologized for being a negative person. He has spent more time with me. It still isn't perfect but he's not a total loss. At this point I am still concerned but not desperately concerned. These comments everyone is making are very helpful, I will be more assertive with my needs and still give him time to cool off on his own.

Any ideas for how to talk to him about drinking?

**lovingisraelmacias** · 05-23-2010 11:01 AM

Hi Girl,
I would let him cool off and and relax and count to 100 in his head and then. It will be all worth it after he does that and. I'm sure he will become more comfortable with you and he living together. It's new to the both of you ok girl and he could be nervous at first then. It will be better as y'all both will get used to living together.