Thread: Should you tell your friend about her cheating husband?

Originally Posted by pretzel

One question that I don't think has been addressed,

It just seems to me that at some point by now, the OP's friend would have mentioned that her husband is working too much, is going out after work with friends, etc.

It just seems to me that if there were changes in his behavior that someone might have mentioned it by now?

You make a really good point. Cheaters always leave clues. And she may already suspect.

I disagree with talking to the husband first. Its throwing herself even further into the middle than she needs to be. Loyalties will be crossed if it later comes to the surface that she heard of this affair and instead of telling her went to her husband.

She doesn't have to say DUDE... ur husband is cheatin'! She can just share with her the bizzare occurance at that party and let her deal with whether or not she wants to brush it off or talk to her husband about it.

I don't understand why people always want to shield the person getting cheated on or possibly getting cheated on from the awfulness may potentially be truth.

Like husband comes and says I cheated, I won't do it again... should i tell my wife? People say... nah, it's only make her mad at you and not trust you... she might even leave you... if you are not going to do it again, don't tell.. no harm no foul.

I think thats CRUEL and manipulative and its making choices for a person that is ill-informed to make them themselves. Its granting themselves forgiveness from someone that may not have given it so easily.

It would HURT like heck to learn of an affair. It would hurt even more to know you have been snuggling up to and looking lovingly into the eyes of a liar for months, even years... all the while not knowing their potential to decieve you or put your relationship on the line for their own selfishness.

I always take it with a grain of salt when someone doesn't want their spouse to learn of the affairs to "spare their spouses feelings" ... though that may be a part of it -- if they really cared about sparing their feelings they wouldn't risk hurting them in the first place... my take is their trying to save their own rears... regret what they did, realized the grass wasn't greener and don't want to lose what they have over their foolish mistakes.

Life is a series of choices we make and some we are happy with, some we regret... but calling a mulligan on an affair and chalking it up to what she don't know (or what he don't know) won't hurt her (him) is almost as bad as the affair in my book.

Originally Posted by BasketCase

Think about what you would want if the situation were reversed. I assume you would want to know. It will be painful and she will need your shoulder to cry on. But leaving her in the dark doesn't seem right.

This is what I was thinking the whole time, what if it was me in my best friend's place? I definitely want to be told.I believe i'd be more pissed if I found out that my best friend knew all the while that my partner was cheating on me and didn't tell me about it. It defies all essence of friendship. Thanks, BasketCase.

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I think it's possible that if you keep this in, and then she finds out some other way, AND finds out that you knew but didn't tell her... that she'd be really upset with you, more so than if you told her now and there was a chance she didn't believe you at first.

I wouldn't tell her bluntly like, "I found out your husband is cheating on you." I would just recount to her, in detail, how you met this woman and the conversation that you two had. Act like that made you very suspicious and you wanted to share what happened with her, but don't indicate that you've jumped to any conclusions.

I am strongly considering your suggestion. I am planning to invite her for lunch in a little quite place and recall to her the incident. And I would definitely tell her that I am very suspicious with the woman, then maybe I would ask how are things going on with her and her husband.

Thanks Mes_T

Originally Posted by jns

RP: did the woman tell you both first and last name? If it was first name only, is it possible that someone else has the same name?

Kind of interesting for a woman to tell all about her love life to a stranger. I wonder if it was a setup to cause problems or to get her lover split from his wife.

She told me the nickname. She said something like, "His name is Teddy, that's not really his name, people just call him that because he has this teddy bear face-chubby with big adorable brown eyes." I would cut my right hand if she was not talking about my best friend's husband. I am one of those people who calls him Teddy because of the exact same reason, everybody calls him that since the 3rd grade.

Women love to talk about love relationships to a fellow woman, but to tell a stranger that she is having an affair with a married man, that I found interesting, really. She seems proud of the affair. I don't get it. Now, I am seriously thinking that it may be indeed a set-up. Thank you for presenting me this angle, jns. I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I wouldn't say anything. As jns mentioned, you might be being played. Relationships are often much more complicated than they seem, and you might cause more harm than good.

I was initially thinking of not to get myself involved, but it doesn't feel right, rcoreyus. You see, I believe that if you care about someone, you wouldn't want other people to hurt them. I was weighing things out of what's the worst thing that can happened- what if I didn't tell her and the affair becomes way too deep, like the other woman getting pregnant or something? then, I would forever carry the burden of "what if;s." On the other, if I will tell her maybe she can do something about it before it gets out of hand.

I think I would rather risk my best friend hating me than seeing her being lied and betrayed by her husband. I want to be honest with her.

rcoreyus, thanks for your insights.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I think you should tell your friend what you heard. If she doesn't believe you thats on her. You don't have to present it to her as FACT....just present her with what you were told and leave it on her lap.


Chances are when you tell her what this woman told you she will either be able to connect the dots to something she was already suspecting or realize this woman is full of it if she knows there is no way this could be occuring... etc.

Ask yourself if you were in her position and she had someone tell her what you were told ... would you want to know? If the answer is yes... follow your heart.

I can't think of a single woman that would rather live in blissful ignorance being loyal and doting on a faithful husband that is anything but.

You have a great point! Your thoughts are really encouraging me to do the road less traveled. I know that my best friend is going to be devastated, to say the least, but I know that in my heart telling her what I know is the right thing to do. I would assure her though that I would never live her side, and help her get through this if she needs me.

Thank you, Hopeless Dork

TELL HER. Don't let her problems eat at you. Obviously you're a decent person and want to do the right thing. Given that, she's clearly someone who wants to be called out on everything. Save yourself. Bad people are always bad. You're not.