Should you tell your friend about her cheating husband?

**ruthpurple** · 05-17-2010 10:01 PM

Hi guys, I am in bit of a dilemma here, I just found out three days ago that my best friend's husband has been cheating on her! I found out from the other woman herself!

You see, I was in my cousin's party and she introduced me to this girl. The girl and I hit it off well, we started to talk about our love, men and relationships and during the course of the conversation she told me that her relationship is very complicated, because she is in love with a married man! I tried to discourage her, of course by telling her that she deserves a man of her own, a man who can give her the full love and attention, but she said that she is really falling in deep with this married man. She said the affair just happened, they work together in the same company but in different departments, they see each other every day and have a few drinks after office, until they had emotional affair, then it become very sexual. She even told me how intense and great the sex was! When I asked her where she works, I was a little surprised because I know someone there, when I dared to asked her lover's name, it was my best friend's husband's name! I was really dumbfounded and still in utter disbelief. I know this married couple since forever, they have 2 beautiful little girls, I was even the Godmother of there eldest daughter! I don't know what to do! I want to tell my best friend but I am afraid of the consequences. In my heart I really feel like telling her.

Any suggestion on how to drop the bomb? Should I even drop the bomb?

**BasketCase** · 05-17-2010 10:44 PM

Tough spot your in.
On the one hand you tell her, she doesn't believe you and gets upset.
On the other you don't tell her she get upset that you didn't.

It really depends on the kind of person she is. I would tell her though, she needs to know. Maybe you could talk to her husband and presure him into telling her himself. That way you don't have to be as involved. And also to make sure it's even happening. She may know who you are and it was a stunt. But it does sound weird.

If he won't tell her than as her best friend you will have to be the one to "drop the bomb". Think about what you would want if the situation were reversed. I assume you would want to know. It will be painful and she will need your shoulder to cry on. But leaving her in the dark doesn't seem right.

**Mes T** · 05-17-2010 11:10 PM

I think it's possible that if you keep this in, and then she finds out some other way, AND finds out that you knew but didn't tell her... that she'd be really upset with you, more so than if you told her now and there was a chance she didn't believe you at first.

I wouldn't tell her bluntly like, "I found out your husband is cheating on you." I would just recount to her, in detail, how you met this woman and the conversation that you two had. Act like that made you very suspicious and you wanted to share what happened with her, but don't indicate that you've jumped to any conclusions.

**jns** · 05-18-2010 12:11 AM

RP: did the woman tell you both first and last name? If it was first name only, is it possible that someone else has the same name?

Kind of interesting for a woman to tell all about her love life to a stranger. I wonder if it was a setup to cause problems or to get her lover split from his wife.

Mes_T has good suggestions. Another tact would be to let your best friend know that you had heard rumors, but that you didn't believe them. Be vague about the specifics and vague about the sources, say you don't want to reveal them because it may cause the sources problems if it were known that they were spreading rumors. That will put the thought in her mind and she may be able to get her husband back on track by inquiring about the validity of the rumors.

**rcoreyus** · 05-18-2010 08:34 AM

I wouldn't say anything. As jns mentioned, you might be being played. Relationships are often much more complicated than they seem, and you might cause more harm than good.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-18-2010 08:58 AM

I think you should tell your friend what you heard. If she doesn't believe you thats on her. You don't have to present it to her as FACT....just present her with what you were told and leave it on her lap.

Chances are when you tell her what this woman told you she will either be able to connect the dots to something she was already suspecting or realize this woman is full of it if she knows there is no way this could be occuring... etc.

Ask yourself if you were in her position and she had someone tell her what you were told ... would you want to know? If the answer is yes... follow your heart.

I can't think of a single woman that would rather live in blissful ignorance being loyal and doting on a faithful husband that is anything but.

**Joey** · 05-18-2010 09:03 AM

argh! this is a difficult situation to be in, and im sorry that your in it!

Like some of the comments above, if it was me, i think that i would want to have waaaay more evidence of him cheating on my friend then a possible bit of gossip from some hussy home wrecker at a workplace.

Like mentioned above, if she only gave the first name then you cant immediatly jump to conclusions as there may be more then just the one married man with that name in the building.

I would think that it would look a bit suss if she name dropped her affair-ee with his full name. it would almost feel like she wanted to tell me - as if she knew that i knew him? almost as if she knew that i knew the husbands wife and so that i would tell her? im not sure if im making sense - i just think it seems very strange. How many people who are cheating with a married man would even disclose this information so freely? its seems very weird too me!

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-18-2010 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by Joey

argh! this is a difficult situation to be in, and im sorry that your in it!

I would think that it would look a bit suss if she name dropped her affair-ee with his full name. it would almost feel like she wanted to tell me - as if she knew that i knew him? almost as if she knew that i knew the husbands wife and so that i would tell her? im not sure if im making sense - i just think it seems very strange. How many people who are cheating with a married man would even disclose this information so freely? its seems very weird too me!

Even if she did pick the wifes best friend to disclose this info to on purpose... doesn't mean its any less truth to it. Maybe she is attempting to sabotage the affair (accidentally on purpose as to not upset the man she's cheating with by telling his wife) but if someone ELSE were to find out, "accidentally"... well it wouldnt be her fault... but maybe in her selfish little mind she thinks it would be the catalyst to him finally breaking it off with his wife or something.

I don't think its up to you to do the fact finding mission. I think if you tell your friend causually, not some big huge zomg guess what type meeting... instead just man, you wanna hear something weird??? And tell her what the lady told you.

If her husband has been home on time, being loving and non suspicious it will go in one ear and out the other. If he has been making excuse after excuse to spend time away from her and the kids, being sexually negligent, hiding his phone and acting strange... it may be the info she needs to show up to the office early one day.

I don't know how you can do MORE harm than good. If he's having an affair, you telling his wife his mistress told you about it doesn't make his infidelity your fault. And if he is not having an affair... some crazy woman telling you is not your fault either.

**KMonte85** · 05-18-2010 09:47 AM

she is your best friend, and whether the rumor is true or false she deserves to hear what is being said about her husband so she can deal with it however she chooses.

So what if it ends up being not true? Should she and her husband be completely oblivious to the fact that there's some crazy hoochbag out there spreading lies and defaming his character, making their marriage look like a farce, and potentially making him look like a huge dirtbag to his coworkers, friends and acquantances?

Tell her.. and be sure to do it in person since it is a serious conversation, she may be floored and need your support.. Try not to make a big dramatic scene of it, just next time you go out for coffee or lunch, tell her you were approached by a woman and she had some incriminating things to say. Explain you're not going to pass judgement, but as her friend, you think he needs to be aware of what is going on so she can handle the situation appropriately. It is the right thing to do!

**pretzel** · 05-18-2010 10:14 AM

One question that I don't think has been addressed,

It just seems to me that at some point by now, the OP's friend would have mentioned that her husband is working too much, is going out after work with friends, etc.

It just seems to me that if there were changes in his behavior that someone might have mentioned it by now?