Help me ( emotional turmoil)

**DK2010** · 05-18-2010 09:12 PM

I am 36 single female with 2 unsuccessful relationship in past.

I started a relationship with my friend ( family friend and family doctor too,close and attached to my family). He took care for my family similar we were there for him
Before started this I was kind alone for almost 4 years he was aware this fact.
It started when I was in pain and he was caring me then he first kissed me (i did like that) and later we became intimate. He told that he can’t marry me due to some personal reason and He still loves his ex . He imagined his ex doing physical act. He was very clear in his stand. I started relationship for sake sex or I thought it will ease my life and pain. After doing almost one month, I started feeling some emotional connection. When told him it would be very difficult for me to continue this relation and I expressed my feeling. He shocked and told me he never loved me nor he can love me. He just did sex for me and of course for him. But I felt if I continue this relation I will go in depression because, I have already started feeling depressed, crying for no reason.
I realized I need love more than sex whereas he cleared he wants only sex. He told me when a man loves a woman he doesn’t want sex all the time.
I knew I have misunderstood his care as love. I am responsible for my pain. Whatever has happened it happened due to my mistake.
Pls advice me about my stand not to meet him alone and discontinue this relation.Although,one part of mine is slightly unhappy due to loss of a friend ( the earlier person ). How to overcome pain, anger and stress.

**sourpuss** · 05-19-2010 07:16 AM

You'll just have to busy yourself with other activities. Don't be available to him. Stand up for yourself and respect yourself enough to back up your needs by not allowing someone to use you. If you were both just in it for the sex, then no big deal. But you want more for yourself. You'll find it, don't worry. But you won't get it from him and you won't get it from someone else if you are spending your time with him.

I think most of us have been in this situation, it's not uncommon. It does hurt and it is lonely at times. But you don't have to settle for a purely physical relationship when you want more for yourself.

Get out and do the things you enjoy and you'll meet someone else who enjoys the same things.

**WildChild** · 05-19-2010 08:09 AM

Sourpuss is giving you good advice. Take a class, expand your horizons, stay busy and engaged in life. This will pass.

**emily100** · 05-21-2010 03:31 PM

I can relate to your situation and I know how difficult it can be to get through and stay strong.

I suggest that you get into therapy and find out why you would let yourself get involved with a man that does not love you. I suspect it runs far deeper than just feeling lonely. Add to that the two failed relationships you mentioned. It may be time to you to stop a pattern or you will just repeat it over and over again.

**jns** · 05-22-2010 02:57 PM

DK: It sounds like you have a hard time starting relationships. Is that true? That leaves you open to anyone who is nice to you. I understand your doctor friend was nice to you, but he was clear about what he wanted, wasn't he?

The depression and crying were probably due to you falling in love with him. The falling in love with him caused a release of love chemicals in your body. They can cause you to cry for almost no reason, but certainly anything that makes you uncertain about the relationship. You are uncertain when you cannot be with him. They can also make you depressed when you cannot get the bump of happiness and completeness from being with him or talking with him.

To get over this, start having fun with friends and family. If you have a large circle of friends and family, and get out doing enough different things, sooner or later you will meet the right guy for you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2010 05:26 PM

DK: It sounds like you have a hard time starting relationships. Is that true? That leaves you open to anyone who is nice to you. I understand your doctor friend was nice to you, but he was clear about what he wanted, wasn't he?

I do agree with this.

I know that it's easy to think that "maybe" after sex, and a little time, a man will fall in love. But, he speaks the truth, it is the otherway around... A man falls in love when he gets to know "you" the person, and loves that person and then he wants sex, with her to be intimate.

Sex, straight out, is exactly that and that is what he told you and it's natural for you to have emotions and emotional attachment after a while with a man, being intimate with him...

You were on your own for 4 years and so needed to "feel", from a man, love and intimacy, we understand that.

But, don't think there is no one out there, don't think you are too old, and don't sit about the house, for another 4 years.

You can be friends with this man, you can tell him that you need more in life and he is right, sex is not the answer and that you want now to just be friends and find a man who loves you.

You do need to look in that mirror and tell yourself you are special, you are beautiful because you are.

Take yourself on an adventure for (1) and go and get your hair done, buy a top or dress, some makeup, and join a club, (hobby) and get out there and find you...

It can be exciting and fun and in that, you will find lots of people, some will become good friends, and you will feel confident enough as well, to find someone to bond with, first without sex, and have a relationship...

Don't be sad, see it as a new journey for you after 4 long years... a process, a start to your new life.

CW