Help needed with a little man trouble

**MadMooMooCow** · 05-19-2010 08:08 AM

Hi,

Where to start… I love and trust my partner of 15 months. We have a good relationship, we care for each other and are happy together. I love him to bits and I find the thought of not being with him too painful.
But there are a few things which keep propping up. They are both connected.

One is my paranoia. I keep having weird dreams that he’s cheating on me and that he’s looking for someone else. I convinced myself that this was my subconscious telling me something was going on. (I know the signs first hand of cheating as my father cheated on my mother many times within their marriage.)
The second is that I found him on an online dating site.

As I mentioned before I have bad paranoia, I don’t know how it has come about. I am happy with him and I love him, but I always seem to be paranoid about everything. I sometimes think there is something sinister about the little things he says, it’s nothing. It’s just me being silly.
Anyway my paranoia leads me to do silly things like checking his pone for text messages or calls. I know I shouldn’t do it but I can’t help myself at times. I took this a step further last night, and I looked for him on a dating website. I know if you go looking, you are bound to find something, but I found him, I joined this site and pretended I was a girl interested in him. And we started chatting.
I then phoned him to confront him about it, as I was talking to him (on the phone) I had received replies from him (online), I couldn’t hear a keyboard tapping.
He denies it was him and said it might have been a friend who did this and took the pictures off facebook.

Then the paranoia kicked in again, who would spend time to pretend they’re my partner on a dating site?

To be honest I wouldn’t mind if it was him, I mean everyone likes a good old flirt once in a while, along as it didn’t go any further. But he denies it so I trust him and believe him.
The trouble is now I can’t go this BBQ incase whoever did it is there. Again the good old paranoia played up.

I trust him and I want to spend the rest of my lift with him, but I’m worried that my paranoia will always get the better of me and will cause trouble for us. I know that he is fed up with it too. Maybe I should learn to keep my thoughts to myself, but then I will still have the feelings.

Please can you give me advice on how I can control my paranoia which is wrecking this relationship and will probably damage any other relationships I have.

Thank you
MadMooMooCow x

**sourpuss** · 05-19-2010 08:20 AM

This seems to be a theme on here. I honestly don't understand people in relationship that keep online profiles on dating sites. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But after 15 months, he should only be interested in you.

Everything with your parents aside, do you really believe that it wasn't him on the site? If it's really not him, is there anything he could do to prove it to you and would you believe him? What is the rest of your relationship like? Does he treat you well? Is he attentive? Is he there? Other than the dreams, is there anything that would make you think he's cheating?

**WildChild** · 05-19-2010 10:34 AM

Sounds like you are really trying hard to talk yourself into believing.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-19-2010 10:48 AM

Unless your boyfriend is a super model guy... the chances of someone swiping his pics for a dating website are pretty dang slim... and also using his name? (isn't that how you found him?)

I don't think you contacting him and pretending to be someone else is right though. You know him, and can probably provoke a response out of him that someone else wouldn't be able to... its entrapping and unfair.

You do have the right however, and would be within your bounds to ask him why in the heckies does he have a dating profile up when you've been together 15 months?

I think you are slanted to the paranoia because of what your dad did your mom, you are afraid of that happening to you... but truth is... if a mans going to cheat, he's going to cheat... if he's not he's not. You can play super spy and bug his phone and hide behind bushes and if he's a cheater he will still cheat, you won't prevent it by watching for it. And if he's not a cheater you will just be hurting his feelings with these unfounded accusations.

Just because you're more slanted to paranoia doesn't mean you're instincts are never going to be right though.

If he is acting distant, hiding things from you, less affectionate, sneaking off for phone calls, always making excuses to stay out late etc... your gut might be right on track (or it might not be) but if he's given you no reason to supsect anything -- it means you're out of line in assuming he is doing something wrong.

You can't live in fear of what he MIGHT do. Surrender that power (you don't have it anyway). You'll breathe easier knowing that nothing you can do will change what he wants to do. There IS comfort in that. You don't have to break your neck trying to prevent bad things from happening. Relax. What will be will be. If you have yourself a good egg, he will be good -- no matter what temptation is thrown his way. '

If you have got yourself a dud... his true colors will show up to you in a way that is apparent and you.

So enjoy your life, enjoy your boyfriend, be happy and allow yourself to enjoy your relationship. If he makes you unhappy, if he does something innappropriate... move on. If he hurts your feelings, move on. If he wants to keep a dating profile seeing if he can reel in a bigger fish.. move on.

But if he's just being a good guy, loyal and affectionate to you, don't waste your time trying to prove he's going to do something to hurt you. Don't wait around stomping your foot assuming he's going to hurt you. Give him the benefit of the doubt, be happy, and then when and IF he hurts you, deal with it then... not now while its all just in your head.

**MadMooMooCow** · 05-19-2010 12:46 PM

Cheers for that guys, i have somethings to think about now.

I do trust him and i believe it wasn't him and i know he wouldn't cheat on me, hes not that silly lol.

And Hopeless dork, you are right, i will enjoy being together and push everything else aside.

Thank you very much for your help

**grrrr** · 05-19-2010 10:10 PM

Stop thinking about everything so much? Enjoy the the relationship that you're in.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-20-2010 03:18 AM

What happened in your past? You have a reason to be paranoid and I would hassed at a guess that, you have had relationships "just like everyone else" that stopped, maybe they even moved on to someone else quickly...

What you have to do is realise that we meet many people in life, the person we "click with" is on alot of levels and the others, think about it, weren't that way, you / we / people, just didn't want it to end because of "comfortability".

But, if you don't trust someone, start snooping, always whine, always check, then eventually they leave as well.

You need to be confident in yourself, understand that there will be many a man and each time, you realise what you "don't want" next time, in a relationship and what you do want.

Do you have it? Have you tried a check list? One of pros and cons?

If you do, stop being paranoid, because you've crossed the path.

If you don't then stop thinking that's all your worth and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

And, if you don't feel that you love who you are totally, do something about that as well.

Because when you realise that you are worth it so will everyone else in your life.

CW

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