My boyfriend just told me he cheated on me 5 times

**SueEllen** · 05-22-2010 03:33 PM

I am not even sure why I am posting here. I am just in so much pain. I have been sitting on my hands for the day with so much pain in my heart. This morning, my boyfriend and I were supposed to start a cross country move from the east to the west where he is from. I was supposed to fly to meet him. This am he called me to let me know what in the past year and a half he slept with 5 women (once with each). He gave me the whole thing about how they meant nothing and how he loves me and bs. He told me apparently to clear his conscience before the move. I canceled my plane ticket and truck rental (apparently people are super sympathetic when you have been cheated on repeatedly). This just happened today and I am stunned and in shock. We had a LDR which I thought was solid and deeply committed. He has never done anything but show his love to me. I have major trust issues and he never made me feel anything but trusting. I chose to trust him because we both believed we were going to get married. This was the man I was going to marry. I am almost 30 years old and I am mourning what I think was an amazing relationship (we truly worked well together) and the life I had imagined for us. I don't even know how to begin to cope and move forward. I know this is still fresh but I thought that writing about it somewhere, someplace would help. Feedback, support, encouragement, thoughts more than welcomed.

Regards,

SueEllen

**jns** · 05-22-2010 03:56 PM

Why would he call just before you were to fly? If he wanted to keep you, it would have been better if you were there and he could show you that he was committed to you now. Why even mention them at all? Maybe he has something going on that hasn't proceeded to the bedroom yet. He could have told you about past relationships at any time prior.

How often did you communicate in your LDR and how often were you together? Still, with masturbation as an option, he should have been able to wait a year and a half.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2010 05:18 PM

Yes, but it could be that he does have a conscious and did feel horrible, and did want to be honest.

He says "once" with each woman.. The long distance relationship, has it been basically only a spasmodic amount of time together? And, mainly telephone calls, emails, Skype throughout that one and a half years?

Maybe, he felt at the time, "once" wasn't a problem as he wouldn't get emotionally attached but craved intimacy... And, therefore, he never went back to that woman, rather, another woman...because he loved you.

I'm not justifying what he did, but I think we can go without sex much easier, and if you only saw him a couple of time throughout that 18 months, then maybe that's hard for a man to feel "is this real?", whilst he loves you, fear maybe of "is this real?"

I think you need to talk to him and ask him "why?" he felt he needed to do that and "why" only once, with each woman?

Having said that, if you were catching up every month for all that time, yep, I'd be devastated and question why he told me, just before I was about to go, and consider that he told me, because he knew it would stop me from going...

CW

**rcoreyus** · 05-22-2010 05:27 PM

I think the question to ask when someone cheats is why? If you understand why, then you have a better idea of whether they are likely to do it again.

If the cheating was simply for sex because you weren't around, then it is less likely to repeat. That doesn't make it OK, but at least you know why. If he cheated because he was looking for something else emotionally, then it isnt clear if it will happen again.

Of course you have every right to decide that even if it won't happen again, you don't want him back.

**SueEllen** · 05-23-2010 05:01 AM

I think he told me because he was remorseful and could not let me move without me having all the information. He said he would stop after I moved. This is what he told himself but wanted to tell me because we have a completely honest policy...which he of course broke.

As for the Long Distance, our relationship started being not long distance. We spent 4-5 months like that. The rest was long distance. We saw each other about every month and a half. One of the women was right the first month we were dating so I am not sure she counts because we were absolutely not exclusive yet. Still, he lied at first and said he hadn't don't anything with her. This one is weird because he had a trip to London booked in advance with her months before he met me. They were sex buddies. The way he tells it now, they did sleep together at the beginning of the trip but not after because he did not want to compromise what WE could have. Yet, he went and did it again.

The other women were purely for sex. He does not have permanent contact with them. He has a gazillion issues regarding a mother who did not give a when he was growing up that makes him have an terrible dynamic with women.

All his friends affirm and reaffirm that I was different and he is truly head over heels with me. But that does not make it right. Somehow I also am upset because he did not even try to fight for me. I suppose the conversation went something like, I have done this and then I simply said we are done. Then there was a lot of crying on both parts. A lot of sorries. I am not sure what comes next. I am so confused and in so much pain.

**SueEllen** · 05-23-2010 05:10 AM

As to the why...I think they are deep seated psychological issues that have to do with his relationship to his mother. As he said, he feels this insane need to control and dominate women. It sounds insane to me. Is this the kind of thing a relationship can recover from?

**WildChild** · 05-23-2010 06:25 AM

This is a matter of perspective. The lying is a no negotiation thing and is disturbing. As for the rest, you are going to have to decide, does he have it out of his system? Was this part of knowing that you really are the one? There are some rare people; women and men, who have said to the one they love, "go and get it out of your system, be sure". They do so because they are confident in themselves and want to know that there will be no second thoughts, no feelings that a choice was made without having really known what the options were. They want a true commitment with no longing looks at the grass on the other side of the fence.

Of course that isn't what has happened here. The questons you have to answer are tough to be sure of. Is it out of his system? Can you accept that it is and not throw it back at him later? The matter of a need to control and dominate raises flags, what form does this take?

Is "not fighting for you" may be guilt and not feeling worthy but that's hard to say. Again you will have to make an assessment of that.
If you want to see whether this has a future you may consider making your move but not in with him. Just to be in the same area again or if he really wants to have a chance at making it work, he might move to be closer to you. Then see how things go with it no longer an LDR.

**Little** · 05-23-2010 06:40 AM

he feels this insane need to control and dominate women. It sounds insane to me. Is this the kind of thing a relationship can recover from?

I'm sure you didn't mean to ask whether the relationship can recover from his need to control, but I wanted to put these three sentences, in sequence, right in front of your face.
Can a relationship recover from one member's overwhelming desire to control and dominate the other simply on the basis of gender?
I say, NO. Big, block bold letters because it's disturbing to think about trying to interact lovingly with a man who wants to control me.
Forget everything else in this thread, the cheating and lies ... and focus on these deep-seated issues. Unless you are a psychologist, I would step out and run far away from this man. Controlling people often become abusive (even if he's not the type to hit a women, emotional and mental abuse can be just as bad.)
Wish you the best.

**purplehaze** · 05-23-2010 07:26 AM

Little...you are spot on with this. A mans need to dominate and control women affects every interaction with all women, not just a wife or girlfriend or sex buddy. My ex is 54 and has never been able to have a normal relationship with women because of this very issue. Run and don't look back.

.....Tuck and roll girlfriend...you won't regret it

**SueEllen** · 05-23-2010 07:51 AM

Thanks for all the responses. I must qualify the statement and say that he said this whole control thing to me yesterday while we were both crying on the phone. He also mentioned feeling lonely sometimes, he also mentioned feeling bad about himself and needing to feel good by doing this (sounds terribly selfish, I know) I am not sure how accurate all this is.

What I DO know is that he had a crappy relationship with his mother growing up. She was never present and absolutely judgmental. She was essentially emasculating and castrating as a mother. This is what is manifesting itself in having slept with these women.

To him sex is not the same as emotion...which is fine (we don't all have to see sex in the same way) but I wish he could not have acted on impulses. He has NEVER been abusive or controlling to me or other women around him. I know it is difficult to believe this but he is a good man in every other aspect. This is why this shocked me so much! I would NEVER have expected this from him. Because of my own issues, I guard my heart a great deal and I finally chose to give it to him BECAUSE he IS a good man. He is absolutely patient, caring, loving, smart, funny, we know how to communicate. He would move earth and water to make me happy. This is WHY this whole thing hurts so much and is so frustrating!

Can I deal with these issues? Of course I can. I would have stood by him had he sought help because I have my own baggage and understand. If he had said I have this problem, I am getting help, I would have loved him more for it and stood by him. What I cannot deal with is the lying and the sleeping with these women like it is not a problem. Can I forgive him and move on? Can I learn to trust him again? I am not sure. This just happened yesterday so I am in a state of shock. I /do/ wish we were in the same place to talk and deal with this (regardless whether that meant moving on or staying together).

Thanks thanks thanks so much for your comments and support. They do mean the world to me. At home the people are very supportive in their hugs and such but not so much in objective perspectives. They love me, after all.

Did I say thanks?

-S