Mistress

**Ontheside** · 05-24-2010 10:05 AM

I have been having an affair with a married man for almost two years now. We see each other on a regular basis and talk often. When we are together, our relationship has been primarily sexual because of our limited time, but we talk a lot and have a strong bond. We realized we were falling in love about 6 months into the relationship, but we both have reasons for not being more than what we are. He has children in their early teens and his wife has health issues. He is very close to his children and was openly vocal about the fact that he wasn't going to divorce his wife until his youngest child was out of school (4 more years now). The son and his mom have their differences. I am not sure I want to be in a committed relationship with someone until my daughter is older. I believe she deserves my attention and I don't want the fear of bringing someone into her young life that she will get attached to only to have them gone if our relationship doesn't develope past dating. She's lost too many people she cared about so far in her young life. I enjoy having someone in my life that I love and am faithful to, yet I don't have to explain myself to and don't have to feel like I'm taking time away from my daughter. We have discussed becoming committed when he gets his divorce and my daughter is older. Now, here's the kicker. I am happy with that. But, his wife had a stroke recently and I think he feels guilty now because of her restricted lifestyle. She still has a lot of physical therapy to go thru, she's going to have to learn to talk again, and there's also the mental status of his children. Both are devastated by their mom's stroke. My man and I are close friends in addition to being lovers and I want to be there for him, but I wonder if I am causing him more stress by remaining in his life.

**sourpuss** · 05-24-2010 11:27 AM

Hmm, that's a tough one. I'm not going to debate whether or not it's ok to be with a married man, you seem to be ok with that part of it. And you seem willing to wait for 4 years for him to divorce his wife. ....but what if 4 years goes by and he doesn't divorce her? What if her health gets worse and he doesn't have time for you on the side, would you still wait for him?
There's got to be someone out there who is on the same page as you. Most people understand that dating someone with a kid is different and that things have to go VERY slow for it to work. You don't have to worry about your daughter if you do things carefully. It just seems there's got to be a better situation out there for you regardless of the fact that you're worried about causing him stress.

**KMonte85** · 05-24-2010 11:33 AM

if his wife is in that bad of a condition, don't think she will be out of the picture as soon as he divorces her in 4 years. Her care will be an influence on your life with him should you two end up together after he leaves her (IF he leaves her, that is). He will be paying for her care probably until the day she passes away in alimony. My cousin went through this when he divorced his wife (who had lupus and suffered strokes). He left her about 10 years ago and he is still paying for her medical expenses - he and his current wife can't buy a home because he has to pay for his exwife's care, and that's even after the kids all reached 18 and he was no longer needing to pay child support as well.

Not that all relationships are based on money, but think about the type of life you want for your daughter, and if you think this man will be able to help provide that given the obligations he will quite likely have to his wife even after they are legally divorced.

**Ontheside** · 05-24-2010 12:24 PM

Actually, I am ok with the fact that he's married. No, I haven't always been this callous about affairs, but my ex cheated on me for 6 years and I've seen so many others that I finally realize it's a rare thing for someone to have a monogomous relationship, even if it's the right way to live. I'm also OK with waiting, and because I don't necessarily want an overwhelming commitment from him (I do tease him that I better be the only other woman LOL) His wife's health is that bad (diabetes, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, and now the stroke caused by a blood clot that broke free). She will be undergoing physical therapy for an unspecified amount of time. Yes, I do realize that it could be one of two things.... she could be in this situation for years even, or she could worsen and have additonal strokes. Statistically, given her situation, she's very likely to have recuring and worsening strokes as soon as within 3 years. Our state does is not an alimony state, but he probably would agree to help take care of her medical expenses if he ever was willing to leave her after all this. Knowing his sense of responsibility, he probably won't.

Yes, there probably is a better situation out there for me, but this is what I have available to me at this point and it's what I'm willing to accept, I guess. As much as I love him, if he did divorce his wife and want to committ to me, I'm not sure I'd trust him. I mean, he had an affair on her with me, what would keep him from having one on me with someone else.

I just don't have anyone to talk to about the feelings I'm having or what I'm going thru. My family is very much against me being a mistress even though several of them were unfaithful in their marriages.

**sourpuss** · 05-24-2010 02:26 PM

You're in a tough spot. But honestly, I think you should keep your options open for someone who is more available and more trustworthy. There doesn't have to be a huge commitment on either end, but honesty and availability are two very requirements in a relationship.

**Ontheside** · 05-24-2010 07:14 PM

Thanks Sourpuss. My options are open. I mean, I talk to other guys, I'm just not physically involved with anyone else. Strangely enough, even though I'm a mistress, I don't like being sexually active with more than one person at a time. Weird as that may sound.

I'm actually struggling now that I've opened up on this page. I realize that there have been many times when I'm frustrated that we can't often cuddle together or have any us time after sex - and that's because of scheduling on both of our parts. We'd been talking about the possibility of spending a weekend together recently and that's blown out the window and it wasn't until this afternoon that I thought about it and realized how disappointed I was.

Also, there's the fact that we talked today and I know more details about her stroke, the progression that lead up to it and the few days following. Sadly, he and I were together when her stroke was starting. He went back to work and she had the worst of her attack when he got off work. But I believe we're both a little weirded out by the timing. Kinda changes perspectives to a point. I'm just not sure he's gonna want to continue seeing me knowing that he was with me when she had her stroke. When I consider that possibility, it hurts more than I thought it would.

**KMonte85** · 05-24-2010 07:48 PM

Did he say WHY he chose to cheat on his wife in the first place? I am just having a hard time understanding how this could all come about. Certaining health problems are a stress on anyone's marriage, but I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the vows recited on the wedding day, "in sickness and in health.."

I'm not going to tiptoe around the big issue here. Your boyfriend has a wife with a serious health condition and dependent children who are currently devastated by what just happened to their mom. They all need him, much MUCH more than you do. Imagine what it would do to those poor people should they learn about your two-year long affair... as if they aren't hurting enough...

And for you, for your own well-being, and for your daughter, you should take time away from being exclusive (sexually or otherwise) with anyone until you figure out why you're willing to cling on to so little.. little time spent together other than booty calls, little trust in him, little faith that anything good will come to your future together... why is this okay for you? Why do you not deserve more, deserve a man's best in a relationship? Perhaps you should speak with a therapist about it, because I really think you could do so much better than what you're allowing for yourself with this situation.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-24-2010 08:53 PM

I am not sure I want to be in a committed relationship with someone until my daughter is older. I believe she deserves my attention and I don't want the fear of bringing someone into her young life that she will get attached to only to have them gone if our relationship doesn't develope past dating. She's lost too many people she cared about so far in her young life. I enjoy having someone in my life that I love and am faithful to, yet I don't have to explain myself to and don't have to feel like I'm taking time away from my daughter

.

Every person that has an affair, has one for a reason.. They are missing something in their life, they are too frightened to take a "risk' or, they don't care, just want the challenge and then keep it going..

I understand that you "thought" that this would be perfect. It would ensure your daughter never got hurt, no one coming in and then out of her life.

But, it has had, will have, is having negative affects.

You don't get to cuddle as much as you wont.

You don't get to go out on date nights.

You don't get to spend time the three of you, running around the playground laughing.

You don't get to wake up next to him the next morning.

You know, there is always pain in life. Your going to feel it, your feeling it, in the "not knowing the future now", is that really any different than if you had entered into a relationship that perhaps came to an end?

The beginning. This is safe, I am free, I don't get to hurt my daughter.

The during. You miss all the things that you could have had in a relationship and possibly also, feel a tad of anquish that he is sleeping next to his wife, and your daughter, has no man to call dad to, no "family" to share as her friends do, just Mummy. Her life when she is a teenager, trying to comprehend relationships may be tarnished, she never knew, saw a male and a female adult in her life, in togetherness through the crutial times in her life.

Is that really do you think what is best for her?

The ending... What if you are correct? What if he holds guilt and doesn't go anywhere? What if he remains...

You have morals, that's why your only a one man woman.

But, don't you think you are something? And, therefore, attractive and personality wise, great for a man? Obviously you are, as he found you that way.

It's better for you to have love 24/7 in your life and when you feel safe, introduce him to your daughter and let the three of you laugh and be together, no matter how long for that is. She needs it, you need it, don't kid yourself that your protecting her, because in reality your taking something away from her that she needs.

And, yourself.

He chose his path. He has basically asked you to wait, you have basically stated you will.. but what if he doesn't go ahead with "talk".... will you be able to be "okay" with that and go onto another affair, because of your belief that your doing the right thing by your daughter? Or, even, maybe, ensuring you also don't get hurt again.

Your not sweet, as you will get hurt and she will lose a valuable thing in life, seeing and being around a "family"..

Have a think now, sometimes there are reasons why things happen in life...

Don't be afraid of who you are and where you are heading in life.

CW

**BabyGirl** · 05-26-2010 11:42 AM

Hugz & Luvs to you. I am also in a " Mistress " state. Only mine is not a Physical type, where he/we can spend a night together.

We have Never slept together, but are on the plan to, after a year of being " Best Friends w/ Benifits "..

I'm not sure I can help you , as I came here for Help myself. My thread is the part time mistress.. But from what I have seen here is caring people that really have Idea's and Information and Opinions to take concideration of.

Good luck on finding what you are seeking here. Read and re~read..
you may find more to think about in different ways..