Thread: Will I ever have a normal life?

Hi all,

It's been a while even though I've been reading posts. There's a lot of perspective to be gained here.

You can probably just view this as a venting post, but as always, I value opinions or shared stories. I know that this type of story has been seen a lot here and I know many will feel judgmental and that's quite alright. Sorry this is kind of long too.

To add background, I posted quite a few threads about my ex that I dated for 3.5 years who ended it at the end of February this year on the basis that he'd "lost the drive" to continue a relationship. It was in impulsive breakup that wasn't originally the point of hanging out that night. It was supposed to be a date to see a movie which we did not do because the theater was too full. After 2 beers, he begged leave to go. I asked him to delete my number from his phone which he did. We walked together to the parking lot, said goodbye and I haven't seen him since.

Even though I never felt we connected on a deeper level, it was still difficult to get over this relationship. There were all the usual "what if's" and "what now shall never be's" and painful reminders of the past.

Fast forward to the present. I don't have any friends in the state I live in and social opportunities are limited as is a general sense of culture. I'm a loner anyway by nature so I've turned back to movies and playing computer games. About a week ago, I decided to play a game I quit 2 years ago to see who all still played. I ended up reuniting with a married couple I used to play with. The wife and I played a lot together in the past and the husband played off and on. They have no kids. There was a 12 hour time difference between where they were and where I am.

I started playing more with the husband this time since the wife is more hardcore and had developed a group of ppl she plays with already. Typically he logged in just to talk to me. We talked quite a bit and had a great time talking about everything. We even do the same type of work. Then he admitted that he had a crush on me for the last 3+ years. (I played the game for nearly 2 and have been off it for 2.) He was very flirtatious. I asked him what his wife thought of him behaving like this and he said they'd already had a talk a long ways back that she said as long as he did't tell her about it to go ahead and flirt. I thought that was odd, but shrugged it off. It was flattering to talk to him, of course, being lonely and single. It's been a long time since someone genuinely liked me because of my brains and sense of humor but also admired me physically. I weakened and returned the attention. I also found out why his wife was so accepting of his flirting: They have been married for several years and never been intimate for medical reasons. I found that a little shocking.

We continued talking. Once he even called me on he phone and we ended up talking until sun came up. He went on to admit his feelings had turned to love. We moved on to texting via cell next and that was also very flattering and sometimes erotic. Then he brought up a topic yesterday that reminded me of the peripatetic nature of his work (she is a housewife) which takes him all over the world for limited periods of time and that this wasn't going to go anywhere. So I confronted him last night and asked him what he intended. He said he wanted me in his life in whatever way, shape or form was possible but that he would also never divorce because it would devastate the wife who would not be able to take it emotionally even though he is not happy. Even though he feels more open with me than with her. He actually pulled his wife aside while I played and talked to her about me. She said she wanted him to be able to have the experience that she could not give and to go ahead and she likes me well enough to trust him with me. The only options then were for me to be their mistress, be alone or just be friends.

That's where the background information is useful. I'm just not in any state of mind to just be any person's friend that I may harbor feelings for. The mistress option is impractical since they live elsewhere and any sexual engagement would end up deepening feelings and make their eventual next move heart wrenching. So I left his life and cried myself to sleep. I really really miss talking to him.

I wish with all my heart that my life could try and adopt some semblance of normalcy!