Feeling so down and fed up

**lushley666** · 05-25-2010 02:14 AM

Bit of background - left my husband (of 23 years on and off) last year - just walked away as it was an abusive controlling relationship - I simply snapped, packed a bag and moved in with a friend - didnt contact my husband and he never contacted me which was great. My sons (both grown up) fell out with me especially the younger one - I tried to explain why but he took his dads side and I was the baddy - I just couldnt take his controlling anymore - he even moaned when I went to work! Anyway, I have moved on - met my BF and all has been quiet. Then out of the blue I get a message saying that my husband had been pulled over by the police and he found out that he had no car insurance since March! And they are blaming me! I only once set up the car insurance - I never paid it so it must have lapsed but it's my fault! Then they are saying that they have had debt collectors coming round as my ex hasnt been paying our credit cards and this also is my fault!! So I have said I will sign the house over to my ex and sort the credit cards and then i am done but they cannot blame me for the car insurance - I havent owned a car since last year!! Now they both hate me - have sided with their useless father and I am left with black marks and credit cards to sort out to try and appease them....just blowing off steam or I will cry!!! And I can't cry at work - god knows how much the credit cards are up to as I havent been getting my post but I am guessing about 5 thousand - small price to pay to get him out of my life for good! grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

**p3375** · 05-25-2010 03:13 AM

do you have an attorney? If not, get some good legal advice b4 doing anything else.

**rcoreyus** · 05-25-2010 06:53 AM

Second p3375s suggestion. This is a legal issue and you need good advice.

**JadedQueen** · 05-27-2010 02:41 AM

Are you legally seperated or divorced yet? I don't know what state you are in but most states are no fault and 50/50. My suggestion to you is to go see an attorney, usually the first visit is free and very informative or search court forms in your state and there should be forms that you can print and fill out and file yourself but you need to do it ASAP cuz until court papers of legal seperation or divorce are filled you are legally obligated to any debt incurred during the marriage. In those papers you can stipulate who is responsible for which bills and when creditors contact you for a debt you aren't responsible for all you have to do is show them the legal documents and that should get your name taken off of his debts. I can't stress enough you need to get legal documentation and divide property so it doesn't destroy your credit worse than it already has.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2010 02:51 AM

I 100% support all of the above advice.

Think clearly here, you are basically trying to appease your children in hope they will love you again and stand by you but you know what? What they choose to do, they will do, meanwhile you end up with nothing.

So I have said I will sign the house over to my ex and sort the credit cards and then i am done

Don't you dare

By all means, get in contact with all the credit card companies, I assume the cards are under both of your names? Or you were what, guarantor?

Credit Companies accept communication, explanations and payment arrangements. Contact them and ask for copies of the accounts, then view the situation and first off make arrangements.. Ask them to cancel the cards as they are in debit I am sure..

Then seek legal advise regarding those statements, his debits and your house.

You have no idea what your husband has/is telling those kids and they from the sounds of it aren't children. I would suggest he is telling them that you left him after having an affair and that you therefore are a... and consequently, if he is controlling, they are going to stand by him and being male, more so...

But, one day, you will be able to prove that this was not the case, in the meantime, don't set yourself up for what he has "planned", getting them to contact you, so that you hand over the house...

Don't be silly, your thinking irrationally, instead of smartly.

CW

**JadedQueen** · 05-27-2010 03:00 AM

Amen Chandlers Wish!
I was in a very mentally abusive relationship for 12 years... he told me he wanted a divorce all the time, when I would get to the point that okay it's over I can make it on my own he'd change his tune... well I put up with it for years till finally I realized I didn't love him anymore, he had killed all the love I had for him, I didn't even like him as a person anymore and I wanted out. He really turned it on then and became the perfect husband but by then it was too late. I wanted out so bad by that point I considered giving him whatever he wanted just for it to be over with. We seperated and a few month later (I was stronger then cuz I was living in my own place and he couldn't make me miserable...if he tried I just hung up on him) we filled out the paperwork and divided things the way the were already... he kept what he had, I kept what I had and since he kept majority of the stuff he also kept majority of the credit card bills for the stuff.

The kids are adults now and they may be taking his side because of what he's telling them or what they perceive to be true... but eventually the truth will come out it's just a matter of time. Don't roll over and let him screw you over cuz the kids are mad at you or you feel guilty for ending a relationship that wasn't healthy.... be fair about spliting things as equally as possible and if you do that.... honestly, there is nothing to feel guilty about and if the kids are misguided from things their Dad is telling themshow them the paperwork the truth will be right there in black and white.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2010 03:13 AM

I think it's fantastic that you just shared your soul with the OP

Truth be known, apart from me talking as I feel... The older members here know that I was in an abusive relationship myself, that being emotionally abusive...

Same, but no children... however, I have had no contact with family/friends from the day I left.

It is a case of one day "we" wake up, "we" have no more love and we see very, very clearly as to what we have and what we deserve and who we are.

I am still only separated after 3 years, and only because I own commercial property which I struggle with, but he wants part of... I have paid $44k a year since owning it, he has paid nothing

And, like you I left the house, stated he could keep it, I would keep mine, and I would pay all my own debts.. But he wants more.

Never, ever, ever, get side swept by the "control" someone "thinks" they have over you, they take you to the lowest right JadedQueen? And, think that their manipulation because your "weak" will give them everything they "want".

No way... The day you walk is the day you realise what your worth and is the day you fight for all you didn't have in life, with your husband, what he took from you, and you do not let him take any further.

FIGHT.

Thanks again for sharing your story, hopefully with both of ours the OP will see clearer

CW

**JadedQueen** · 05-27-2010 03:57 AM

Chandlers.... I feel for you. After I left and didn't have to live in the same house with him I honestly didn't care if we stayed married or got divorced. Staying married meant I would continue to have benefits (medical etc...) and I didn't have to deal with his mental/emotional abuse. Once I no longer cared about saving the relationship the power shifted completely because he no longer had anything to hold over my head, he was the one begging me to come back for once and instead of being the worthless b!*%^ he'd been telling me I was for years... I was someone he couldn't live without. I have to admit I enjoyed seeing him go through what he had put me through for years... but I still felt a little bit guilty and questioned my decision. We have been divorced now for 10 years and I have gone through rough times that I know I wouldn't have had to endure if I had stayed married.... but you know what? I wouldn't change a thing I would endure all those rough times cuz leaving him gave me my self esteem, and self respect back. It's amazing to me how you try so hard to make a relationship work even if it's making you miserable but once enough is enough the fog lifts and you realize that you deserve so much more.

When I left I just wanted out... and I told him that well, he had a habit of calling me up and cussing me telling me I was going to take everything etc... even though I told him repeatedly that I didn't want any more then what I had already taken (which wasn't much) but he kept on and kept on.... We were both well aware due to the lenght of our marriage and his career field I was entitled to a portion of his retirement benefits... I told him I didn't want them but he kept on and kept on.... so one day I had enough of it and I told him that I wanted 1% for every year we were married and 3% cuz he was making me mad and we could keep going up from there till I hit the max amount I was entitled to (30%) he said fine.... 15% and hung up. He then had the papers drawn up that day (I think he was worried I'd make good on the threat of 30% and he wanted to stop while he was ahead) He will be retiring in 5 months and on the first of every month he has to send me a check for 15% of his retirement until one of us dies. He's remarried and his new wife doesn't know about him required to pay me a portion of his retirement... I wonder how well it's going to go over? I really don't care and never really wanted it but it is what it is. The way I see it, I earned it. I stood by him and helped to further his career moving from state to state which made it impossible for me to work towards my own retirement plan until after we divorced.

I also hope the OP takes our advice and gets some sort of paperwork drawn up... it's really the only way to resolve things and protect her credit from being destroyed.

**WildChild** · 05-27-2010 06:14 AM

You have to protect yourself and find out exactly what the financial situtation really is. You'll be lucky if it's only $5,000 and if you can show that it is debt he ran up after you separated, you shouldn't have to pay it. But get legally separated and then divorced. What if he didn't just get caught for no insurance? What if he was at fault in an accident? You could be financially liable. Depending on your state laws this could create a huge mess for you. Get it taken care of.

As for your children, who knows what they have been told? Why is it they can't see that their father mistreated you? Take a matter of fact approach to them, this is how your father is, he has created his own mess, I will do what I can but he will have to take responsibility...

**lushley666** · 05-27-2010 09:16 AM

Thank you for the advice - I am contactng the card companies next week - I just want to feel mentally stronger before I try and sort this mess out - just so much on my plate with money and men etc but I cannot keep burying me head in the sand. And I have been putting off divorce proceeding for ages becaue I knew it would cause further upset but now I am going to start proceedings - I need to sort my life - thank you so much for the advice and support and also for sharing your experiences - I appreciate it xxx