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Given her history and poor judgement, is it your plan for her to be the residential parent?
Opinions wanted -
It didn't work out with my wife and we agreed to divorce and will try to it in a friendly manner for the girls sake (10,12).
Of course there are 2 sides to every story and I don't paint myself a saint but she has some mental issues and has spent 40 days between February and April committed in a mental hospital from 3 different occurrences.
Now with that said we were working on things but in April she took advantage of her grandma again which was typical of the issues we had, lying, taking advantage, manipulating... That changed me and instead of a working on it attitude I changed to it's all but over but lets wait till the end of the school year to file for the kids sake and give it some time to see if we can recover.
This weekend on Sunday she said it's not working we should both agree to file. Nothing changed with respect to waiting till the end of the school year.
It turns out she had a date on Saturday while I had the girls. Believe it or not that doesn't really bother me, but here is where I lose it:
On Sunday she had her boyfriend over the house while my girls were there. The oldest called me and said "She wants him out of the house" I was blindsided and said "What did the dog do now?" thinking she meant the puppy dog.
I am so angry, not that she was with another guy but:
* How dare she deny me the opportunity to be there to help my girls through this. I scheduled vacation the week after school gets out to help them cope
* How dare she lie to me about waiting till the end of the school year for kids sake
* How dare she break it to the kids by having them come downstairs and seeing a strange guy with his arm around her on the couch.
I question the guy who thinks that was acceptable behavior. He too was institutionalized and I am sorry I can't trivialize his or hers because of my kids. Maybe they are both healthy now but I don't want him around my kids, but want her to be happy. Down the road after a while if things work out with him I can allow it if they he has been vetted by someone even if it's her parents, but until that happens as well as sufficient time passes I can't allow it.
Now on the positive I am working with her family instead of against to help her and help the kids and since I had to have the kids for 40 days when she was committed I figured out how to work full time in the city and care for the kids.
I know I am rambling so let me get to the point.
Given the way she treated me, not about the fact she was with another guy but she had him in the marital home, exposed the kids to him, denied me the opportunity to break the news to the kids and comfort them, I feel I cannot be her friend. She doesn't get the best of both worlds, she can't treat me like that and expect me to still help her in as many ways as I do. Naturally I will always offer financial support and don't want the kids to suffer, but I just can't help her setup a new cell phone, help her organize and make sense of her medical bills, and stand by her at her DUI Trial (She is no longer a threat to the kids I am sure of that).
Am I over reacting? Should I still stand by her there or is it reasonable that with the way I have been treated I need to remove myself. We can still have a friendly divorce but I can't be her friend right now.
What do you think?
THanks
Given her history and poor judgement, is it your plan for her to be the residential parent?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Given what you wrote I think you're being very reasonable.
You have two things to worry about, your kids and you. At this point, you can civil to her but you're no longer responsible for her actions. That was a mutual choice. Your daughters weren't involved in that choice, but have to live with it. It's encumbant on you to protect them anyway possible.
Joint custody is definately an option. What's also an option is you having primary custody. Given her issues this may be a good option at least through the summer.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Thanks for the replies.
Given that I am working with her parents to best help the kids I think she has the support she needs and her parents are quick to rip her a new one when she does something well for lack of a better term stupid. So at this point in time she is treading water as to if she can be a good parent or not. Right now she has her head above water and I won't take the kids unless she slips further.
Ummm, do keep in mind that her parents child rearing experience is that they raised her. Are they part of your solution or her problem?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
I wouldn't necessarily go there.Originally Posted by WildChild
I think she has issues that aren't necessarily related to how she was raised. I look at my wife and her parents and wonder how there could be such disparity in personalities.
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Not so sure I totally agree with you here. It doesn't have to be permanent but given what you said in the OP, she needs to work more on herself. If having the kids with you more than her, that may give her the needed space to deal with her issues.
Do you want to continue having to field calls like you did earlier from your kids?
There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
Good point but today they are definitely a help. We met together at the hospital with the nurse psychiatrist and social worker and came up with a plan not what they want, not what I want but what was agreed upon by all to be the best for the kids first then her second.
New point, I just broke down, I have been so focused on the hurt it caused my oldest daughter I didn't have time to process till now. I still don't mind she is with someone, let her be happy but why do I have to know about it?
I just said goodbye to her sister and said I have to remain out of contact now but if she or her folks need me they can call but I can't be soon to be ex's friend not with the way I have been treated.
I am trying to pull it together but I am missing my 10:00 AM meeting with my staff because I am angry and weepy.
That may well be true. But it needs to be carefully looked at.
My children's father's parents can seem very nice but it turned out the man has BPD, one of his brother's violently so, his sister started severely abusing her kids and it is all based in childhood abuse. Those "nice" grandparents raised their children in an atmosphere of emotional and physical abuse. No one in that family talks about it or admits. The kids will defend their parents to the hilt. When my marriage to my kid's father was ending (I and my kids went into hiding for a several days at one point) the man came close to a break down, was suicidal and the stories came pouring out for a day. Then he clammed up again and denied it. The psychologist said that was probably his one window of honesty.
This is also true of my own family, there was intermittant abuse, both physical and emotional, it was cyclic. I have no doubt that very few people would have guessed, then or now. Our family was well educated, articulate, professional, well mannered. Were our parents horrible people? Absolutely not. They were carrying a cycle they were raised with. My siblings and I were fortunate to be raised know it wasn't how things should be and have broken the cycle. The point is that things aren't always what they seem.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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