Breakup, what should I do?

**shaunzie89** · 05-27-2010 01:04 PM

So, my fiance and I just split up this Monday. Its a really long and confusing story but I would appreciate any advice.

We were going on a year and a half of being together. We got engaged last November, were planning a May 2011 wedding and I just moved in with him three weeks ago. Everything was going fine. He had wanted me to move in with him for so long, so I finally decided it would be good to me to get out of my parents house and be together with him.

Everything was going great. I didn't see anything wrong with the relationship. Other than the fact that he worked alot but I was patient and realized he was just doing it for us. We were buying things for the house, fixing it up the way we both liked it. I was just started to get settled when last Saturday he came home from work and was acting different. I asked him what was wrong and he kept answering "I don't know." He just acting totally different than normal. We didn't end up talking that much and he fell asleep because he had been working all day. Next day, he gets up and goes to work. I wait around on him to come home.

We're sitting on the bed and he just suddenly says. "You know, I'm afraid you won't have kids in the future. I want them really bad." Now this is a totally different topic that we had discussed awhile back. I was already afraid of getting pregnant and was pretty sure I didn't want kids. Early on he told me he wanted whatever I wanted and that it was fine. Then a couple of months back he told me he did want them. I was fine with that and wanted him to be honest. NOW IF HE KNEW that I still may never have them why did he want me to move in and continue on? If kids were that important? Its like I cannot convince him other wise now. THEN he said he wasn't happy and he kept saying it wasn't anything I did wrong.

Then I start crying and say "Do you think we should have kept dating rather than getting engaged?" He says yes and he said he was sorry for us moving so fast. BUT HE was the one who proposed to me and was so eager for it to happen. I willingly accepted and it was one of the happiest days of my life. So it gets really messy after that and he's pretty much letting go and I still don't even really know why. He keeps saying it would be okay and I would find someone else.

I have no idea why he's acting like this. He's acting cold now and I moved back out. I don't know if he got really cold feet and freaked out? I'm not sure if he finally realized that he went too fast? Or if someone talked to him? I KNOW for a fact there isn't someone else. He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. Which seems very odd to me because he was just telling me like two weeks ago how he loved living with me and couldn't wait to get the house finished and stuff. I couldn't get very many answers to my questions. He kept saying he didn't want to work it out. But he left me over dumb nitpicky things like not having the same sleeping schedule, not going fishing or drag racing with him all the time. I know he still loves me and I don't see why we aren't together right now. I know him better than that he is just acting different now.

PLUS like two weeks ago he told me that he would respect my decision to have kids in the future. I told him I wasn't sure when I would be ready. He told me it was fine whenever I would be. He told me that I hadn't had that motherly instinct hit yet. Of course, he's 21 and I'm going on 21. We didn't want any kids now, I just think I talked about not wanting them for so long it got stuck in his head that I would never change my mind. of course, if I was ever going to have children, I would want them with him.

NOW the only problems I have with this is:

1) One month ago we were so happy and couldn't keep our hands off each other. I had just moved in three weeks ago so that wasn't nearly enough time to get settled and get everything together.

2) He CONSTANTLY told me how much he wanted to marry me. How he couldn't live without me, would never leave me. he knows how much I love him. He told me he needed me there to help motivate him to do things around the house and to be taken care of. He works so much, he's hardly in the house.

3) We were each other's firsts. I suppose that's why I'm having such a hard time with it. He always said he would die without me, so I'm not sure if he is just SUPER stressed from work, wants some seperation time, idk.

I just don't see how he could throw in the towel so easily. I always thought we trusted each other and would be able to work through anything. Its like I can't get through to him.

Its like there is a missing puzzle piece that I can't quite place. He told me we could still be friends and that we couldn't just throw it totally away. I would almost bet money that I'll be hearing from him in the next few weeks. I know him and once he starts realizing that I'm gone and am no longer there to take care of him, and the house he'll want to see me. I AM NOT getting my hopes up because he could have changed but I just know him better than that.

Right now, I'm not contacting him and trying to give him space. I figure if its meant to be then he'll come back to me or want to see me, hang out, etc.

Anyways, any help and thoughts would be appreciated! I am taking things one day at a time. Its difficult because I am still very much in love. Thanks ladies.

**sourpuss** · 05-27-2010 01:38 PM

Kids/no kids is a deal-breaker for any relationship. That's fair. If you are open to having kids in the future you need to tell him that. If you're not, then you two need to go your separate ways. Just my opinion but this is the one topic that I think can't be compromised in a relationship. If one person gives in, they are resentful, no matter what side.

You two are so young and have your whole lives ahead of each other. True, you will find someone else. True, you guys did move fast. That being said, doesn't mean you can't make it work. It's up to the both of you to figure out what you want in life and have the patience to let it come in time.

It sounds like he's a bit impulsive. Gets an idea and runs with it sort of thing. 21 and first real relationship is sort of premature to jump into marriage and kids. But if the two of you can date and/or even live together for another year or so and see how it goes....with the idea of marriage and kids somewhere down the line, that might be best. You have another 15 years or so to have kids, so there's no real rush.

**shaunzie89** · 05-27-2010 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Kids/no kids is a deal-breaker for any relationship. That's fair. If you are open to having kids in the future you need to tell him that. If you're not, then you two need to go your separate ways. Just my opinion but this is the one topic that I think can't be compromised in a relationship. If one person gives in, they are resentful, no matter what side.

You two are so young and have your whole lives ahead of each other. True, you will find someone else. True, you guys did move fast. That being said, doesn't mean you can't make it work. It's up to the both of you to figure out what you want in life and have the patience to let it come in time.

It sounds like he's a bit impulsive. Gets an idea and runs with it sort of thing. 21 and first real relationship is sort of premature to jump into marriage and kids. But if the two of you can date and/or even live together for another year or so and see how it goes....with the idea of marriage and kids somewhere down the line, that might be best. You have another 15 years or so to have kids, so there's no real rush.

I agree. Of course, we weren't going to plan on having them for like 3 more years at least. I told him I was open in the future the other day. I told him that there was no reason to break it off because of something that hasn't happened yet. He's not giving it a chance to work. I know it can. Its worked for 1.6 years already. I can only hope he'll consider it again. I know I will.

I just really feel like its my fault in the end as to why he broke it off. I feel like if I had been more open to it before this wouldn't have happened. But I never really thought about it because he seemed fine and he acted like it never bothered him.

**sourpuss** · 05-27-2010 01:56 PM

Well all you can do is tell him how you feel, what you want from the relationship and what you're willing to work through. After that, it's up to him to decide if it's something he wants as well.

I think you're being mature and level-headed about the whole thing for sure. I know it's hard, but you've done what you can and if it doesn't work, then the good thing is that you're 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you.

**shaunzie89** · 05-27-2010 01:59 PM

I've told him how I feel. I suppose he just needs some time. I will give him time and let him come to me if he chooses. I have done all I can do right now. Of course, there is so much more I want to say to him. I just need him to listen and consider the possibilities. He's just being stubborn right now.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-27-2010 02:15 PM

Kids/ no kids IS a dealbreaker for the relationship, not only whether or not you want them... but WHEN you want them as well.

If one person wants them young and to be able to experience their kids at a younger age and the other wants them when they are older and more stable thats a dealbreaker difference if they can't reach a compromise. And if one wants them and the other doesn't... again -- hard to get past. No matter what, even if one concedes they won't have kids when they want them --- they may always regret that, and if one has one when they don't want to -- the may resent the child... no one wins with that.

I have a kid already, and I'm happy with just the one. I am so focused on my body and getting fit and experiencing life with my boyfriend that I have no interest in breeding at this time. But I love my boyfriend so very very much... and my heart is big... and I know if he decided that he wanted us to have a baby it would be something that not only would I do out of love for him... but with the knowledge that I would also love that baby with all my heart.

I don't think he knows whether or not he wants one in the future but for right now we are both on the same page of not wanting a baby... and I'd be fully content if he never wanted us to have one together... but also fully open to having one in the future if he really wanted to.

Having done the single mom thing, there is no way, I have zero interest... in having a baby with a man that isn't sure he wants one. I have seen first hand, painfully so, how rough that is on a child

So do not agree to have one to save this relationship if in your heart you know you don't want to.... it wouldn't be fair to anyone. And no matter what he told you in the past that he'd be okay with it... when it comes to things like religion and the decision to have or not have kids -- those differences can be insurmountable where there is no flexibility.

**LanaBear** · 05-27-2010 02:33 PM

Even though you've told him you would be open to it, that may not be enough for him now...

He was probably okay with everything, then you moved in with each other, it's another step. So, he probably started thinking about the future, etc. Maybe he really started feeling like he wanted kids, but knowing how you felt about it, even though you said you would be 'open' to it, wasn't enough for him.

You may be open to it now, telling him you are, but if in 3 or 4 years, it comes up again and you say, nope, don't want them, he's left with wanting them with no options.

IMO, you can't compromise with kids in a relationship, someone will end up resenting the other. So, if you say you are open to it now, that's not very reassuring to how you may feel in 4 years, knowing that you haven't wanted them in the past.

Maybe he's thinking it is better to get out now, before marriage, so that you can both move on with another partner who wants the same things as each of you. He doesn't want to bank of what you may or may not feel in 3 or 4 years.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2010 06:03 PM

Being the love of each other's lives, so young, dating, having fun and moving in together, are two different things.

You all of a sudden see how serious things are, this is it.. And, you start to think on everything.

Maybe, you did have different sleeping patterns, maybe, you both should have shared your hobbies in togetherness, drag racing etc, and maybe, he really does have a fear that in 3 years time, once married, you will say no full stop to children.

I think it's fear full stop.

If you love him, take a step backwards and suggest that you live apart, stay engaged, forget about the wedding for now, get back that spark and fun, attend his hobbies with him, but gain some of your own as well, and he can attend those.

CW

**JadedQueen** · 05-27-2010 08:16 PM

Maybe moving in with him scared him a little bit. I have known people that are in a committed relationship and something like moving in together spooked him a little bit... ?? Now the deal with having/not having kids.... you are both so young, I remember when I was 21 (I got married at 17) I had already been married for 4 years but I was no where near ready to have kids yet so I can understand you not being ready to have children.... BUT... I don't know your background or how you really feel about children but that maternal instinct hits ya one day out of the blue, you are in a wonderful relationship and your whole attitude and mind set about children completely change at least it did for me. I swore I never wanted to have children ever but as we get older and mature our wants, needs, and priorities have a way of changing without us even knowing it... Life is funny that way sometimes.

I do think that you are doing the right thing and giving him space... I think that's what he needs right now. I think he is trying to figure things out and that's why he's been acting differently.... give it time and give him space. From what you have said about your relationship I believe that he will get in touch with you and talk to you about whatever it is that he is going through right now.... keep doing what you are doing and be patient. I hope that everything works out for you.

**shaunzie89** · 06-06-2010 06:04 PM

Hi ladies,

So I posted a previous thread on my situation almost two weeks ago.

(edited) re-directed new thread to the old one.

Just had a few updates on the situation and need some opinions. So basically, I found out that my ex fiance just started dating someone else. Like a week after we broke up. Of course, I was stunned but it seems like everyone I have talked to says that men just like to move fast. My mother told me that maybe he is doing this to figure out what he wants or is totally trying to move on and forget me.

Of course, I just consider her a rebound. I haven't been perfect either. I went out on a date last night with a guy and had a lot of fun. I saw no harm in going out and not expecting anything serious. But for him to be in a relationship so quickly. He told me it was not serious by any means. They don't even live that close to each other. I think since he broke up with me, he need some sort of security of having someone there. Sort of how I feel right now..

Now, I actually have a friend that does this with guys as well. She dates and then if it ends or something happens she moves on to the next person within a matter of days. His mother told me flat out that most men do that. They like to keep moving forward quickly. I am just confused by it because our relationship was so serious. I mean we were ENGAGED after all.

So, any opinions on this? I mean I know that his past relationship that he had before he (totally unrelated to this new girl) and I got together got pretty rough in the end. I didn't know all of the details but before we got together they hung out on and off and she wanted to get back with him. (She did the breaking up) Now, they were together like two years and he and I were together and year and a half. But our relationship was much more serious and we were engaged/living together. So that makes me think that since he had hung out/sort of remained friends with her when their relationship wasn't as nearly serious makes me think that maybe he will do the same with me.

I don't expect him to come back to me or want to try again. I just always get a glimmer of hope that maybe his new girl is rebound and maybe he'll realize that he wants me again. I have been trying my hardest to move on but I am still very much in love with him. So, what do you all think? Have you guys had any experience with the post-breakup/dating new people immediately after/contact afterward?

I keep thinking that if things are meant to work out between us then they will. Thanks!