I know the time has come......

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-01-2010 09:58 AM

.....to make a decision regarding my relationship. What I do know is that to continue on in this way, is unfair to us both. I care for him very much, as I know he does for me. Since our last "talk", I have noticed myself getting agitated at things that women in other relationships would probably consider cutesy, or normal. It becomes increasingly worst during PMS time (which is now, hehe). I never let him know, I hide it....because I know it's unfair to him. He is who he is. An example is the texting, which I've discussed here before. When he's at work, and I'm at home (this month he works weekends and is off T-Thur), he is constantly texting me (unless of course he's busy that day at work). I feel like he does it out of boredom.....but when I'm doing things, enjoying my day off, relaxing or dozing on the couch, it's annoying to me to get texts at least every hour (usually more) with stuff like "I'm tired.", "My stomach hurts", "I got new pants.", or he'll ask me questions he already knows the answer to. And this is after we've talked on the phone that morning, and/or seen each other before he goes to work. I feel like most women in my position would probably be glad to hear from their bf anytime he wanted contact........ but not me. I don't look forward to the things I think most girlfriends do. I don't get excited to see him... maybe a result of the fact that its always been monotonous and extremely predictable = if he's off work, he's with me whether we have plans or don't. I should be excited to spend time with him, and sometimes I am, but most the time I'm not.

Then, theres the bedroom issue. I can't get past it. He's been good lately about not pursuing me constantly like that. But I literally went from wanting to sleep with him constantly, to not wanting to sleep with him at ALL. I have a sex drive.....a very healthy one actually since going off the pill. But I just don't want to sleep with him. If you've read my previous posts, you know there were some things that happened to contribute to it. I didn't just mysteriously stop wanting to sleep with him. But we've talked about it all, he seems to be better about it, so why can't I get past it? And so I ask myself, maybe if I sort of push myself into sleeping with him more, I'll start to really enjoy it again?

Part of me feels ready to give up. The other part of me isn't ready to give up. I care about him, he's a wonderful person and I would miss him terribly from my life, not to mention he'd be absolutely devastated. But after a certain point.......this just isn't fair to either of us. And I just keep waiting for that moment of clarity that either says "get out" or "stay". That definite feeling.....but every time I think I'm ready to give up, I think about what a good person he is, and how much he cares for me, and I stay.

**KMonte85** · 06-01-2010 10:19 AM

I'm sorry BD.. it is such a tough situation to be in, the uncertainty, the hurt, the guilt. It sucks.

I can't tell you what is best for you.. only you know that, and it seems like this post is more for venting/clarity than it is for advice anyway. What I can tell you is that you need to focus on YOU at this point. So many people stay in a relationship because they fear how unhappy they would make their partner by breaking it off, not realizing how unhappy they are making themselves by staying. I've not known many instances where it became clear cut "leave" or "stay" (unless of course abuse or something drastic happened).. it seems mostly to be, is this worth staying in anymore? That is the true question. Do the positives of staying outweight the positives of leaving?

Maybe you need to make a list... everything you love about being with him. And everything you can't stand. Decide what your bottom line is, determine if the things that you can't stand are fixable or permanent issues in your relationship. And do so when you're of a rational and calm mind (ie not when he just did something annoying or when you're PMSing lol). Take your feelings of guilt should you be the one to break it off out of the equation, no one should stay in a relationship because they feel guilty.. and furthermore, no one deserves to have a SO stay with them ONLY because they would feel guilt leaving (like you said, thats not fair to either). You should stay because you want to, because you see great things in your future together, because he makes your life better.

**bringhomethepassion** · 06-01-2010 12:25 PM

so many people these days let sex get in the way of their relationships when it shouldn't. If there are problems in the bedroom, then work on them as if you would any other problem in your relationship.

**caterpillar79** · 06-01-2010 01:12 PM

Is there any way for you to spend some time on your own apart? Something like a cool-off period and then at such and such time, you get back together and hopefully by then, you have decided which route to take?

Your situation is tricky and sometimes, you only feel what you need to feel when the other person is not around you.

**sourpuss** · 06-01-2010 01:34 PM

BD, you've been unsure about this relationship for months. I know you care about him and you like him a lot. But there have been several things that have come up and that have bothered you enough to seek advice on here about it. To me, that's a red flag. I agree that it's not fair to both of you to carry on the way it is. The two of you are polar opposites, and not necessarily in a good way. (sorry to be so harsh, but I know you can handle it) His passive personality completely clashes with your head-strong, independent personality. It seems like little things become really big things because you two are so different. I think you're smart enough to know that the little things that bother you aren't a big deal, but at the same time, they bother you. It's not fair to have to change who you are and it's not fair to ask him to change who he is.

He seems like a great guy and you're a great lady. I just think there's some pretty fundamental differences that create a lot of resentment on a regular basis. No one wants to live like that. I think if you're asking yourself the questions, you already know that answer.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-02-2010 08:28 AM

Yes, tough situation indeed. Last night, I wrote a letter to my dad (he's deceased, but I periodically write him letters in my journal). I went back and read all my previous letters, and so many things that were on my mind were resolved and now seem like they never existed. It's amazing how that works. So, I felt better after writing my letter. I've got to be at peace, and let "nature" take its course.

It just never fails to amaze me. It's like he's totally blind. To me, our problems are so clear, but to him, (maybe lack of experience) he always thinks everything's totally fine no matter how distant I am. Yesterday he mentioned going away for a weekend next month for our one year anniversary. It broke my heart. Part of me felt like saying "Yes that would be SO great", but "Finally, after a year you plan something for us?". Then the other part felt like saying "I don't want to plan that with you, because I don't even know if I want to stay in this relationship". And the PMS doesn't help. I find myself flattered yet flustered all at the same time, that it has taken a YEAR of our lives to get him to take the initiative to plan something for us.

Very torn. Caterpiller, I wish there was a way to do that. But then I tell myself, it shouldn't be necessary. I shouldn't have to not have him in my life, to want him there. I already know the results, I'd miss him, I'd be sad, I'd feel like a horrible person for breaking his heart, my dog would run to the door every time she heard a loud truck, etc etc. I know losing him would hurt me, and I know there'd be a period of time I'd want him back. But I've been done that way before, "lets break and see if we still want to be with each other", and then the person decide they don't want to be with me, and it broke my heart even worse. I won't do that to him.

If my mind would just let me..or I should say, If I would just let MYSELF move past the things that have happened with us in the past. It has been a long road, to get him to be even a smidge less passive, to take initiative to plan ANYTHING, to get him to not be so clingy and needy, etc. He has grown......and I've grown too. I think if I had a lightswitch that would shut off those thoughts of frustration from the past, I would.....because I think someday when he's mature enough and ready, he'll make a great partner in life.

I must be patient.......clarity will come. I have faith.

**pretzel** · 06-02-2010 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

He has grown......and I've grown too. I think if I had a lightswitch that would shut off those thoughts of frustration from the past, I would.....because I think someday when he's mature enough and ready, he'll make a great partner in life.

BD, I'm sorry that you're in this position. There is nothing in the world harder than facing the decision to end a relationship. I highlighted this because I think this is your biggest dilema. You see a potential that he doesn't and it's unbearable to know that when he finally gets it, you won't be there to share in all the things that you did to help him reach that point.

Sometimes we fight and work our tails off but still lose. Sometimes we're only meant to be the middleman in someone else's journey. Never feel like you've lost because despite the heartach and pain, there are always good memories and warm moments that you can take from this experience. Maybe all your hard work and effort was designed to make you a stronger person and that you can be a better partner for someone else. Maybe it was part of the plan for him to be your middleman and it was him who taught you things that will make you a better person that you can give to someone who will fully appreciate and graciously accept.

**sourpuss** · 06-02-2010 10:11 AM

I think you need to decide what you want in a partner and then compare it to who he is (right now, not who you think you could change him to be). Neither of you should have to change who you are as people for it work. I do think you should lighten up on him a little because he does seem like a genuinely nice, laid back guy. Give and take.

**kygirl** · 06-02-2010 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

I think you need to decide what you want in a partner and then compare it to who he is (right now, not who you think you could change him to be). Neither of you should have to change who you are as people for it work. I do think you should lighten up on him a little because he does seem like a genuinely nice, laid back guy. Give and take.

I completely agree with Sourpuss... It's easy to think but X could be great if he were less sarcastic or worked harder or I think he'll be more passionate when this happens, etc... but maybe he won't... Or maybe just not with you. I do think based on everything I've seen you post the past few months that it might be time to move on. I don't think it makes either of you bad people, but if you try to change who he is, or change you to meet him, one of you is going to end up resentful and that's not what you want. I think you care about him and he obviously cares about you, but after all this time, you're still questionning whether you should try or not... The answer might be no.

Sorry dear

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-03-2010 06:56 AM

Its okay Ky.

It just really sucks right now. He acts oblivious to it all, but he can't be. It would make me feel a lot better if he wouldn't put on the act like everything's fine when it's so clearly not.

I don't want to make any decisions while Pms'ing. I'm just trying to get through it. It's really hard right now, because despite his previous complaints, we're actually together quite a lot. And there's such distance between us even though we're together alot. He just doesn't seem to care, or wonder why. Like as long as I'm physically around him, that's all he needs. But I know that's not so, it's just now he's acting.

Right now, I need some alone time......and that seems hard to find. Every time he finds out I have something planned (without him), he'll say "I can take off work and go with you..". ALWAYS. And then I either have to say "ok" and forfeit my alone time, or reject him. Saturday night I'm supposed to go to a friends cookout. I didn't even tell him cause I knew he'd be working and I knew if I told him, he'd take off to go too. He found out and asked me about it, and then of course said he could take off to go. But right now, I don't need 6 days a week of him and I together.

The doubts and questions of our relationship surmount. Both doubts about being together, and doubts about being apart. And it would be great if we could BOTH communicate those feelings, rather than him pretending like they don't exist while I sit in the corner beating myself up and feeling horrible about it.