Fiance's strung out in New Orleans, so what about me?

**Aithneu** · 06-10-2010 03:15 PM

I recently relocated to Great Falls, Montana from New Orleans, leaving my Fiance strung out and hopeless. He's staying at his parent's house and is supposed to be working on a house they bought to earn his way out here. Apparently things aren't going so well over there, and he's still doing Heroin. I can't judge because I was strung out as when I got here too, even did a shot before I got on the plane. I've been 8 days sober now, still feeling dopesick, but getting better. I understand his position- I couldn't get sober until I left Nola either- especially since his mom throws him money all the time (denial). I even deleted all the dealer's numbers before I left but he has some of them memorized and he knows where to go in the Marigny and the 9th ward to cop in person. His only hope is to come out here like I did. I won't abandon him- we got into this together and we need to get out of it together, but I'm at my wit's end here. I'm lonely, sick, and depressed. I've been keeping myself busy with little projects, but at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping I'm hugging a pillow and missing his heartbeat. So here it gets more complicated..

I played a gig on Tuesday and met a wonderful woman. She's interested in me, I'm interested in her...but I'm supposed to marry him! And I do want to spend the rest of my life with sober him, but until strung out him becomes sober him (if?) I kind of want to go back to my old ways and be with a beautiful, intelligent woman instead for a little while. I already can't sleep at night, and I promised him I wouldn't see anyone while I'm away, especially women. Basically my point is that I'm in love with Drew (sober) but I'm not sure he's going to change any time soon. "For better or for worse" right? But I'm going crazy in this lonely small town! What would you do?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2010 03:25 PM

Lonliness is difficult, but getting off, of Heroin is one of the most difficult things to do, 8 days, congratulations, well done, you were on a mission and that's an excellent progress.

But, like giving up smoking, your looking for a sub-stitute and your conditioning yourself that Drew is still on it, so it doesn't matter.

Don't look for that type of sub-stitute, you made a commitment and you have made a promise. Where at least you have thrown all dealers names away, and can't get any unless you start asking around, he is still in the rut of temptation, as it's there, he can get it, and Nola gives him money, it's a horrible addiction that your will power can't beat on your own.

Talk to him constantly, tell him, he can do it, your engaged, you want to marry him. Remind yourself whilst you feel like carp at the moment, wow, your getting it out of your system and your doing good, YOU CAN DO THIS.

Your only looking for a substitute of a "high" some excitement.

And, therefore, your mind is making excuses that it's okay to cheat....

You'll regret it later. If Drew can't pick things up and change and if you continue on your new path, and time goes by? Then you can do what you want, as you won't stay with him.

But, for now, isn't he/wasn't he someone you wanted/want to try to help through this as well and be together?

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2010 03:32 PM

I recently relocated to Great Falls, Montana from New Orleans, leaving my Fiance strung out and hopeless. He's staying at his parent's house and is supposed to be working on a house they bought to earn his way out here. Apparently things aren't going so well over there, and he's still doing Heroin

PS, Can you talk to her strongly about helping her son?

**bringhomethepassion** · 06-10-2010 03:46 PM

You should watch Intervention. That never works out. I'd focus on starting your own sober path and if he's ever ready to join you then he knows how to find you.

**sourpuss** · 06-10-2010 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by bringhomethepassion

I'd focus on starting your own sober path and if he's ever ready to join you then he knows how to find you.

I agree! Congratulations on getting sober, please keep on the right track, for yourself.
As for the other stuff, I think it's safe to say that now is not the time to add any more stress in your life. Focus on staying sober.

**jns** · 06-10-2010 10:34 PM

I lost a good friend to heroin many years ago. Good luck and stay strong. Take up an addictive hobby that has nothing to do with drugs, possibly sports related.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-11-2010 06:28 AM

Drug addiction......it takes someone with steel will to get out of it on their own. I hope and pray that you maintain your strength, for YOU.....right now you are sober and that's an incredible thing for you. But what now....you must spend your sobriety worrying about your fiance.

Addiction makes everything different, life, love, relationships, work, food, sex, sleep, hygiene, the list goes on and on. You get this I'm sure and know it as well as anyone. What you "need" while being an addict is different than what you'll "need" as a sober healthy person. You know the old saying, "misery loves company". One of the truest statements I've ever heard. Someone who is an addict and is living with the misery of their addiction, feels no more comfort than being able to sit with someone who will stick by them and do it with them. And this is why in most drug treatment programs, you are removed from the people you've been spending your time with. Because no matter how steel willed you are, those people CAN and often do drag you back in. They don't want to be alone and they are not more concerned with your well being than they are their own happiness. Why? Because they are addicts.

My point is that you cannot save him. Yes, he does need to get sober, and yes if he does you all may live a happy life together.......but fiance or not, you as a recovering addict cannot afford to even THINK about spending your life with someone who is still doing drugs. He must do this on his own.

Having feelings for someone else...... well you're human.

But I will say this and can only hope you will take it to heart, now is not the time for a relationship or for a fling. Now is NOT the time. Now is the time for YOU, for you start the road to recovery, for you to learn who YOU are without drugs, for you to decide what you want in YOUR life, for you to focus on you. Anyone who truly loves you, truly truly loves you, will want that for you and will expect nothing more.

Congratulations on your 8 days. Make it 9. Then 10. Then 11.........and keep going and keep telling us about it day after day until you feel ridiculous because you're number is SO large. "Hey guys, I'm 600 days sober!"....and we will still be here cheering you on.

**sourpuss** · 06-11-2010 07:10 AM

Originally Posted by jns

I lost a good friend to heroin many years ago. Good luck and stay strong. Take up an addictive hobby that has nothing to do with drugs, possibly sports related.

I agree.

**jns** · 06-11-2010 10:49 PM

Maybe I should clarify about the reason for an addictive hobby. Many people who become addicted seem to get addicted to things easily. One of the strategies to break heroin addiction was and maybe still is methadone addiction. Thus replacing one addiction with another that may not be as destructive.

I have played golf in the past and found it to be addictive. The general idea is simple, but the execution is the problem. Every once in a while you hit a great shot and it keeps you coming back for more. Playing sports release brain chemicals that are similar to artificial means such as drugs. Some people get a rush from working out. I prefer more outdoor activities, such as swimming, hiking, backpacking and skiing. I'm sure others can suggest other pursuits if you wish to go in this direction.

**Aithneu** · 06-12-2010 01:56 PM

To Chandler's Wish: My head's messed up right now. I've been on this stuff since Halloween. My mood swings are ridiculous, I'm up all night tossing and turning and have the spatz (they're like little muscle spasms) and have hallucination-like dreams, my body aches, and the anxiety is horrible. I miss Drew so much! But I'm glad I'm in MT. even if i wanted it (and god i do) I couldn't get it here, (and thank god for that). I knew that separating was what was right for me, and now that the ball's in his court I'm just waiting for him to toss it to me! By the way I did discuss enablement with his mom. I mean, she gave us a car (and paid the insurance) paid our rent several times, and wouldn't think twice about throwing him a few twenties when he'd ask her for money for "gas, groceries, tampons, etc" She just wants her son to be better. She doesn't like to think he has a problem, and is in denial.

To Beautiful Disaster: I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. Each day is different, one moment I'm thinking " yeah, I'm okay, I can do this!" the next I'm thinking about hitch hiking back to New Orleans, which btw i will NOT do, i was just thinking about it is all...I'm sure you understand how powerful heroin gets a hold on you. You know the first time i did it, I died. They brought me back with Narcane. after that i acted like i was invincible- acted like heroin was no big deal and i could do it once in a while without getting addicted. I was wrong, and it always sounds so cliche' but it's just true. And I agree with you- i CAN'T be with an addict. That's why I ran away home, I did it for me. And when he's clean, he's welcome..and I hope that's soon because I'm going crazy without someone to stroke my hair and wash my back and kiss me when I'm asleep.

to jns: Have you ever seen or been to a methadone clinic? Did any of those people look remotely sober? Junkies don't just shoot up heroin. There are substitutes, and methadone is like the holy grail of substitutes- the only difference between it and heroin is that the gov't and pharmaceutical co. make a lot of money off it, but it's just as dangerous, just as addicting, and just as horrible- maybe even worse. Trust me, I would know. In fact any time I'm in a new city and I want to score all I have to do is go to the methadone clinic to meet a nice junkie. If you're putting heroin in your veins you're generally also spiking Oxycontin, fentanol, roxycontin, morphine, and/or dilotted. I just wanted to let you know that if you know someone who is going through what I have, don't EVER suggest methadone, you tell them that the only way they can truly quit is to go somewhere else- somewhere they can't score, somewhere they have no contacts, and to delete all the contacts from their phones that they have, including friends who do it too (cuz junkies like to hang with other junkies) and to use pills such as Valium or colonipin for the anxiety (bc it gets bad those first couple days trust me) and vicadin, percaset or tramadol for the pain. Then once they've cleared a week, they can ween themselves off the pills as well and then ta-DA. See that's the easy part. The hard part is going back to the place you were strung out without that monkey jumping on your back again. I haven't made it to that point yet, not sure how long that's going to be..last time i left for two months and sobered up but i came back to new Orleans for jazz fest and my old friends who were used to shooting up in my house did it in front of me. they didn't know it wasn't okay anymore. and what did i do? i broke, ended up strung out again and lost my job. it got to the point where i was about 135lbs (i'm 5'11 by the way) I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to be able to live there again, despite the fact that new Orleans is my favorite city in the states.