Found myself in an affair...thus the name inapickle

**inapickle** · 06-10-2010 09:54 PM

I never dreamed in a million years I would be "the other woman." NEVER. How did this happen? I recently divorced and an old friend came back into my life and we are absolutely soul mates. Because I'm afraid of getting caught and ruining his family life I have started looking elsewhere for a relationship with someone who is not married. As a result I have devastated him and, while we've kind of put the friendship back together and have seen each other once since, things are extremely tense. I don't want him to be out of my life again (he was out for 30 years) but neither do I want to destroy his family......he has a precious family and he is a wonderful husband and father (he has never considered an affair). The relationship is so deeply loving that neither of us really feel guilty for what is happening, but at the same time I am worried sick (literally) that we will get caught and he will lose his family and I will lose him anyway. My gosh...let's just say I was married long enough to have celebrated a silver wedding anniversary. I have never felt as loved as I feel with this man but it's not worth the cost but I don't want to lose him altogether. Can someone please tell me what "normal" is for a newly divorced woman? I want to "belong" somewhere, but I want it to be right. I am really struggling with what to do.

**Mes T** · 06-10-2010 10:03 PM

You've gotta get out of the affair, I think you already know that. Nothing good will come of it. Yes you WILL get found out, the truth always comes out, remember that...

I wouldn't be surprised that at the moment you feel like he's your "soul mate" simply because you can't "really" have each other. He's married, and you're the mistress. It's a "grass greener on the other side" mentality. I have a feeling that all of that would shatter, were he to get a divorce and become 100% available to you.

There really is no need for this kind of life. Find someone who can really be there for you, JUST for YOU. And to him, if he's so unhappy in his marriage that he feels the need to cheat, then he needs to seriously think about getting a legal divorce.

Just another thought - hypothetically, let's say he leaves his wife/family for you. How would you know that he wouldn't repeat the EXACT same behavior with you? Cheat on you with another woman?

All food for thought, I hope you make a decision that feels right for you!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2010 10:23 PM

Firstly welcome to the Forum

At the top, right hand corner you will find "Advance Search", google mistress and read all the threads.

In all the time I have been here, not one, has worked out, not one. And, all end in heartbreak.

To answer your question?

Can someone please tell me what "normal" is for a newly divorced woman? I want to "belong" somewhere, but I want it to be right. I am really struggling with what to do.

I am separated 3 years now. The first thing we dearly want is to belong. We pine for what we never had, or what we hoped we had that didn't work out. We crave love, affection, attention, emotional connections and we can easily mix that up for "soulmates".

There will "always" be that someone who knows just the right buttons to press, especially if "we" start telling them what went wrong, what we crave for, what we didn't get. Then they also, in addition have the information.

Don't get caught up in thinking that it's real. Someone else, that belongs to someone else, will never be yours.

Don't set yourself up for further heartache...

You want to "belong" to be finally truly loved, to find that soul connection. That's normal.

But, keep your morals in check. A married man may "miss" something from his life and get it from outside. If his is "perfect" then he wouldn't be with you unless, he purely, wanted to also feel like he can have his cake and eat it. If he was a soul person, he wouldn't fathom cheating. He's merely heartbroken because he's not having his cake and eating it, he's losing and people do not like to lose.

Take yourself back to when you were married and how you would feel if your husband did that to you and stand your ground and do not take this further.

If you lose him as a friend, he wasn't ever a soul person to you.

Don't use "lonliness" as a reason to have an affair.

As, I said, keep your morals about you.. Get out there and meet people, stop sitting at home, tell yourself your worth ALOT just because your marriage didn't work out after 25 years does not mean there isn't someone else out there, and guard your heart because there will be alot of guys that are not genuine. There you have to remember your teenage years and 20's to remember what it was like.

Take things slowly. Make sure that you like who you are, are happy in yourself, inside and out, concentrate on you and then tell yourself what it is your looking for, at out of a man and let the rest happen naturally, with a man who doesn't belong to anyone, so that one day you find someone that can belong again to you.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 06-10-2010 11:10 PM

I understand your feelings - you've found someone you love. I understand his - he has found a new love. I believe the feelings are real - and I don't blame you for acting on them. Since you were recently divorced, you've left a bad relationship and this on seems so much better. Difficult as it is though, you need to consider this rationally. Part of what you and he are feeling is the "grass is greener" effect. It is very easy for both of you to enjoy your time together because it is all fun time. You probably only see each other when you are feeling well. You do fun things together, not taxes, cleaning the house, food shopping, or any of the myriad of daily chores that can dull even the most wonderful relationship.

You might well find that you would not really enjoy a life with him.

I say this because I have felt it myself. I'm married, but travel a lot for work. I've spent time with women on trips and it is so easy to enjoy time with someone new. The world seems so much brighter - their good points enhanced, bad points merely cute or trivial. I can see how easy it would be to have an affair.

You already know what you need to do. You care about him, and so you don't want to destroy his family. Despite what he feels for you, neither does he. You need to end this - because you care so much for him. Then you need to get out and meet people, you will find that there are a lot of really nice people out there, and you will find someone.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-11-2010 06:36 AM

Where you are now, you are for a reason. Where he is now.....is because it is where he is supposed to be right now. Nature has a way of taking it's course, and if you two are truly meant to be, then someway, someday, you will be.

When you think of soul mate what do you think of? Because putting soulmate and affair in the same sentence seems to totally void out what the word truly means. Because it cannot be. I do not believe the higher powers would give you a soul mate at the expense of the emotional well being of an entire family (wife & kids).

Get yourself out of this. He was out of your life for 30 years, and he can be out of it again. If it's meant to be, he will be back, and he will be back in the capacity that he CAN be your soul mate. Otherwise, you're lying to yourself and he's lying to himself to try to make what you're doing ok.

**DennyJ** · 06-11-2010 07:44 PM

I'm a guy and here's my take on affairs. Even affairs that are never found out cause problems. Whilst some things are exiciting to do when you're not "supposed" to do them, love is just too powerfull to twist the wrong way. The potential to hurt many innocent poeple is tremendous. I also believe that "higher powers" will work things out in the proper way if I just keep my integrity and other values. When I get into trouble is when I want to force an outcome to something that I think I need.

Think of this possibility: what if he really is your soulmate and instead of having an affair with him now and causing all kinds of problems that you both have to live with, you wait a few years when things are right. Then your relationship would be much better without those problems and much stronger since you were both able to wait for true love.

**ocularone** · 06-15-2010 08:27 AM

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said by the others. Although i will point out the fact that let's not delude our thinking by saying "I've found myself in an affair"..You knew he was married, he knew he was married. It was completely your CHOICE to engage in an affair. It's like saying "I found myself stealing a car". The conscious was made. I can't condone what you are doing but i do understand the aspect of being in love...I've never been in love with a married woman but i am sure it's tough. You say you are soulmates and let's say that is completely correct. That you guys are MEANT for one another..the fact still lies that he is married. You say you don't feel bad about what you are doing yet you are scared to death someone will find out. Without shame there should be nothing to fear. If you really think things can stay the way they are, i am sure you are mistaken. Whether he buckles under his shame and he tells his wife, or she finds out through other ways. I think strictly sexual affairs are easier to keep hidden than emotional ones. I don't know what advice to give you except that what you are doing is wrong and it is unwise no matter how much you do love each other. His family is going to be crushed..it's pretty much only a matter of time now. You say you don't want to hurt his family but your actions kinda show otherwise when you made the choice to pursue him.

**AnneHathaway** · 06-20-2010 05:20 PM

THANK YOU, ocularone! I am so sick of "I found myself in an affair," and "it just happened."

Affairs are a CHOICE.

inapickle, have enough self-respect to build a new life for yourself that doesn't involve taking another woman's husband. Look at it this way...he's not available for you to fall in love with. He's married. Don't marriage vows mean anything to anyone anymore?

And as far as destroying his family, you and he have both already done that. You've destroyed the trust and love I'm sure his wife has in him. Even if she never finds out, the marriage and everything it is supposed to stand for is now a joke.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-20-2010 07:31 PM

I think if you are truly his soul mate... he'd be on his way to the divorce attorney and filing those papers stat. He'd respect his wife enough to let her be free to find HER soul mate as well. But he's not doing that is he? Instead he's still cuddeling up to her at night... telling her he loves her, planning their retirements and vacations and what they are going to do for the kids birthdays and none of that is going to change.

You were just free'd up from your marriage and you need to embrace yourself, your interests your passions. You don't want to start off your new life in the shadows of someone elses. Its just not healthy. We're talking holidays alone, empty bed most nights and only getting the tiny scraps of himself he has left to give. Its just not fair to you. He's mad and hurt of course he is. He had everything for a moment... he had passion with you, infactuation.. and he still got to hold on to that long term love with his wife and keep his family together. He had his cake and ate it too and now... you are taking that away from him.

The selfishness involved with the type of person that cheats on a spouse knows no bounds. He gets to have both women... but God forbid his wife take a lover or his lover take a lover... no no no, that would be cheating and wrong. He however is free to do that because... well... in his own mind only what he wants matters.

Keeping him as a friend would prove difficult. It seems you managed to live 30 years of your life without him in it and it sounds like you did okay... I'm sure you would continue to do okay with him being out of the picture now. Had you guys not begun an affair... friendship would have been possible but as it is now... it would just be wrong.

Think of your own husband when you were married and consider for a moment he had an affair, decided it was wrong... then became buddies with the women he was cheating with... bringing her around to gatherings with you there and such. How disrespected would you feel if you found out the truth?

There are so many men out there that can enrich your life and bring you happiness... I don't think he's one of them.