perhaps some words of wisdom, or friendly advice?

**OtherGirl** · 06-15-2010 12:19 AM

I grew up in a large, close-knit family. I'm the third eldest of eight, two boys and six girls. During the last year one of my sisters (early 20's) was sexually abused by a work colleague. We found out about a week after it happened - and a week after she told us, she ran away from home, leaving a note saying she would contact us when she was ready. We have respected this, and didnt chase after her, though some minimal contact has been maintained by our mum via email - we know where she's living, and thats shes safe and with friends. The only contact I have had with her was two emails, a few days after she left, then nothing at all untill the last few weeks when she has started commenting on my activites on facebook. Now, thats fine, I love that shes acknowledging my existance again, but I'm angry that she ran away, I'm confused as to why certain things happened, I want some answers from her, and I dont want to fluff around on facebook, pretending to be happy and talking about nothing when there is OBVIOUSLY a huge elephant sitting in the room.
So my question to this forum is this, should I contact her (I know I will eventually, but is now too soon? Its been 10 weeks) even though she specifically asked us not to? Should I go and see her, even though Im sure that would be very confronting for her? Should I fluff around and talk to keep her happy, or should I ask her to meet me for coffee, should I send her an email with my questions, should I try and 'make a move' so to speak, to get things rolling, because the way things are now, is not the way I want them to be - or is that selfish? I want her to be happy, but I also want the rest of my family, and myself, to be happy, and we cannot go back to what we were, but we can move on! The only problem is, we sort of need her, in order to move on. How can I help her move on? How can I help myself move on?
Would anyone have any experience with this sort of thing - trying to reach out to someone who doesnt seem to want to have any direct contact.
I know shes been through an ordeal, but running away from those who love her best? I've read all the stuff I can find on rape, and its helped, but now I want to do something...only I dont know what - maybe even my doing nothing is best for now. Most of all, I do not want to scare her away even more. I would be happy to hear anyones helpful, constructive advice. I am not saying that I will take it, but even hearing different opinions, different perspectives, can help a little.

**Mes T** · 06-15-2010 01:55 AM

Hey there, my heart goes out to you guys and your sister! I can definitely see where she's coming from - as you probably already know by reading so much on it, a lot of people need time to themselves for various reasons after something like that has occurred... But I can also see you and your family's need to have her back in your lives again.

If I were you, one thing I might consider is mailing her a letter. An email is fine, but I think a letter is more personal and might be a little bit more appropriate in terms of getting your point across. I would write along the lines of, "We understand you need your space, etc etc, but I'm just writing to let you know that we are waiting for you with open arms when you do decide to come back. Love you tons, you're so special to us, etc etc."

I wouldn't recommend physically showing up at her place. If you write a letter, she has the choice of opening it or throwing it away/leaving it for later. So, her personal space isn't compromised, whereas it might be if she has a negative reaction to someone arriving at her door.

Basically the idea is to lovingly remind her that you're thinking of her, but not leaving any room for her to interpret it as pressure of any kind.

Hope this helps, I'm typing really fast as I am hurrying to leave the office...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-15-2010 02:39 AM

I can also understand your frustration and feeling a tad angry, it's your little sister and you feel she should be able to talk to you.

Baby steps, it's a horrible thing that occured and in addition, she may feel that she will be judged, even though she won't but more than anything, as Mes said, she would not want to talk to anyone, she's probably in denial, she probably moved so that no one will bring it up. She is not ready to face it.. I would suspect she moved so that she could do that forget it.. But she won't be able to and the only thing, one thing she will need more than anything else in the world is hugs and being there for her, not matter how long it takes.

She's your sister, you've known her for 20 years, and she's connecting in her own way, if you start to get mad, or show that, then your thinking of you, she needs you that's why she's started to reach out to you.

I know you don't mean to be mad

And, your are in deed thinking of her as well. But, use this connection as a way to "slowly" have her see your there, you love her, your supporting her.

Send hugs.. Tell her you love her, "luv ya little sister", just notations... She will feel it, probably cry and before you know it I think, she will start to open up more, as she will feel she has "someone" who understands, is not pushing her for answers, or to come home, just being there for her.

CW

**BabyGirl** · 06-15-2010 08:58 AM

A couple of things that I hope might help in your decision.

Having been in your sisters position of sexual abuse, (over 40 years ago, and I was a minor, it was the stepfather and lasted from age( 9-14).
*** I finally got away from the situation, went to live with my Grandparents.

I tried from 14 -18 (18 being legal adult in the States). To act like it never happened.. I buried myself in school, work on the ranch. Graduated High School, Then moved away from the ranch and went on to a 2 year College, where I took classes in psycology and human services. I had aspired to become a Counselor for troubled teens. ** Note this was in the early 70's*** And I was here asking for advise just like you are

During this time, I surrounded myself with friends, but only women or groups with men. So I was never alone with men. I rarely kept in contact with my 2 brothers, even though I loved them both dearly, extremely rarely contacted my Birth Mother, as it was her husband that abused me.the only ones I kept in contact with were my Gram & Gramps and a couple of Aunties.

****Now my story is very Briefly told here,as this isn't about me, it's about helping you and your sister & family.

So heres what I can offer...

1) When injured like this, physically and emotionally, we react different ways. Some will hide and pretend it never happened (like I did) None of my friends new what had happened in my past, it's a Shame thing, a Guilt thing, a Negative eating at your Soul thing...

Just like most animals are when they get hurt, they go find a place to be alone, lick their wounds and only rejoin the group/ family/ herd/tribe... if they feel they can Survive the Trauma and act normal and be accepted again. The Weak Die, the Strong Survive kinda process of Nature.

2) Others will do the opposite, they will just brush it off as, "Oh well that's part of Life" and then head full blown into a "new lifestyle, be the bubbly, I'm Normal, sometimes even Promiscuous, extroverted
( There is nothing wrong with me or my past or life). This is a Denial action, but also a "Survival" action.

3) Your sister will take this tragedy and deal with it the way she feels she needs to.
**** She will go though several different stages of "Healing" some not the best ways, others that will eventually be beneficial as to the Whole Woman she will become.

4) Show your Support and Love, be there when and if she needs you. Do not Force her.. EVER !!! Remember that rape and molestation is Forcing anothers will/wants on another.

The last thing she needs is to be Forced to do anything !!!

5) She is struggling now, trying to find her own way to move on and lead a productive happy life. She may be hiding like a wounded animal from her family (the shame game) but it seems she is at least trying to live a semi normal life with friends as you said, to move on, go forward.

6) It is not up to any of us to say whether someone is right or wrong in their own " Self~Healing". It is up to us, those who love the person, to be non jugemental, accepting them as they are, supporting them, being a shoulder to cry on and just letting them know we are there if and when they are ready to share their feeling of what happened. And Part of love and Support is letting them decide on their own, when and where and IF the wish to share things with others.

7) With such a large family and I'm sure so much Love in it. She also may have felt a bit smothered and felt she had no independence or true privacy.

This may be her " Freedom Time", her " Her Time", her "I'm an Individual Time"..

Each of your Sisters and Brothers and even Parents, including yourself, will during the lifetime, Experience Tragedy's to different degrees.. Each of you will handle situations differently. This is Because you are all different in yourselves.

Some are the ones that will ask, " How do I Handle this " others will Offer " How to handle it ". It is all from an individual perspective. Then add Love and Support and you have a Family Unit or a " Tribe" as we call our family, wich does not just include Blood bonding relatives, but Heart bonding people.
~~~ Last but Not Least ~~~

If she ever has some struggling in herself with what happened or what is going on in her life. Casually send her this website, Something you found while searching for ( anything but this problem with her, as she may feel offended that you might be pressuring her or Gossiping about something she wishes to handle herself and in her own way ).

There are jokes here, people discussing health probs, forum games etc.. Sections to ask for opinions, ** Some that have nothing to do with Sex or Abuse **

I actually Googled a opinion site on being a Mistress and was welcomed here... Love the site.. as there is more here than I thought . But I really have to watch my " language here" Lol