BF's ex keeps trying to break us up

**EazyE** · 06-20-2010 02:58 AM

Hey i'm new on here but desperately need to help with this situation. My BF (off and on for about 2 1/2 years) has 4 kids. The first three to one woman the the youngest to another woman. None of them live with him and there are no issues with the first 3 kids. the youngest is nearly 2 and his mum keeps trying to break us up. She's so manipulative and still loves him and wants him back. She has manipulated him into cheating on me with her a number of times. We broke up and have started seeing eachother again as now he swears he's changed. The issue now is - he wants to see his son, but she won't let me be there when he sees him. She also insists on being there when my BF sees his son. It creates many headaches because I don't trust either of them to be alone together. I am demanding to be present when he sees his son because I am a part of his life and I don't see any reason why I shouln't be there. His Ex on the other hand is demanding that i NOT be there - which means I am left sitting at home wondering if he's cheating on me again????? He's won't stand up for me because he's scared that she won't let him see his son. I hate the situation because me and my BF love eachother and have a wonderful relationship - apart from when his ex is around. It feels like she's making him choose between his son and his GF (me) and ofcourse, I always end up getting hurt because I won't stop him from seeing his son. Please help?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-20-2010 03:42 AM

EazyE..

She WANTS him in her life and she will do anything for that. Will he do ANYTHING for you?

This is about his son, so get him to be serious about you... Legal advise, 50/50 custody, and tell him to grow some... balls. and if he loves YOU, stand up for you and tell her it's over.

That's the only way...

This, verbal discussion will off course eat you alive, she's trying to win, your trying to win and in the end no one wins, it's heartache all round.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 06-20-2010 06:04 AM

I understand his wanting to see his son. Cheating on you though is not easy to understand - how has he been manipulated to do that?

**AnneHathaway** · 06-20-2010 10:00 AM

Hi~

How old is this guy? I ask because four kids is a lot, and I'm wondering how long he's been spreading his seed around. Did he bother marrying either of these woman he impregnated? The reason he won't stand up for you most likely has nothing to do with his son; it's because yes, he is cheating on you, and knows if he ticks her off he's not going to get the free sex anymore.

I'm sorry, but if you don't trust him to be alone with her than you don't have a wonderful relationship. Trust is HUGE. Why do you think she wants to see him alone? She can't screw him with you in the room. If he's truly changed, he will tell her, in front of you, that he wants to have contact with her ONLY to pick up or drop off his son...no texts, phone calls, ect. He will also telll her, also with you there, that he loves you and is committed to you, and that it is OVER with her. If he's not willing to do that, there's your answer. He wants the best of both worlds...sex with both of you.

Also, you say "she has manipulated him into having sex with her," Uh-uh. When a guy is supposedly in love with and committed to a woman, and then takes his pants down and puts his stiff willy into another woman, is is deliberate and he absolutely knows what he is doing every second. Is he incapable of saying no? Takes two to tango.

**LanaBear** · 06-20-2010 10:21 AM

The cheating on you with her... I ask the same question as rcorey, how exactly was he manipulated into doing that? Not only once, but a number of times. Unless blackmail is involved (which is illegal), I think him using the excuse that he was manipulated into it, is well, just that, a convenient excuse.

In regards to the visitation/custody... What is the custody arrangement? If I was him, I'd be thinking about getting things a little firmed up in the courts. She's using the child as a pawn.

**jns** · 06-20-2010 02:52 PM

I think it is time to look for another boyfriend. This one has too complicated of a life. Do you want to continue living with all of the drama? His whole paycheck must be going for child support. Are you going to support him?

**sourpuss** · 06-20-2010 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by EazyE

She has manipulated him into cheating on me with her a number of times. We broke up and have started seeing eachother again as now he swears he's changed.

No one gets 'manipulated' into cheating. He cheated, that's his bad, not hers. He needs to take responsibility and not blame anyone but himself for that.

Originally Posted by EazyE

I am demanding to be present when he sees his son because I am a part of his life and I don't see any reason why I shouln't be there. His Ex on the other hand is demanding that i NOT be there - which means I am left sitting at home wondering if he's cheating on me again????? He's won't stand up for me because he's scared that she won't let him see his son. I hate the situation because me and my BF love eachother and have a wonderful relationship - apart from when his ex is around. It feels like she's making him choose between his son and his GF (me) and ofcourse, I always end up getting hurt because I won't stop him from seeing his son. Please help?

I know how you feel, but I think this is way out of line. He needs to go to court and get visitation that she doesn't have control over. If he feels his son is ready to be around you, then you can wait to be invited. Demanding anything with someone else's child is a recipe for disaster. It's not a competition between you and the son, or even between you and her. When he's ready to have a life with you, he can break his son into being around you....slowly. But demanding anything is just going to make things worse.

If you want my opinion, the whole situation seems not worth it and if it were me, I'd run for the hill while I still could.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-20-2010 07:17 PM

I think he is the one doing the manipulation here... of you and your feelings. I know you love this man but 4 kids? 2 different mothers? Cheating on you already, shows he just may do it again... guys are either capable of being shady or their not... he's proven he is. Do you know how the relationship to his first baby's mom ended? And the second? Are you dealing with a serial cheater/breeder that moves along after the women bare his children.

If you have a baby with him you will be mom number 3 for him and then who's to say he won't move along to the 4th? I just think that you got your heart snatched up by the WRONG man.

If he hadn't cheated on you I would feel different, life sometimes happens and a guy can end up with 2 different mothers of his babies but add that to the fact he's unfaithful... and it just makes it seem like this guys only priority is himself. Does he support these kids? Does he have a well-paying job? Is he just irresponsible or is he purposefuly trying to have so many offspring?

**EazyE** · 06-21-2010 10:13 PM

Hi all, thank you so much for your advice. According to him, he 'maintains' a relationship with his ex (previously including sleeping with her) because 'he feels sorry for her' and 'feels guilty for leaving her as a single mum. You're all right. Even with all her manipulation, he still makes the decision in the end and I agree that he knows exactly what he's doing. The problem is he has no balls. I have repeatedly requested to speak about this with her there so he can say it all in front of her. I have also spoken to him about defining custody, care, and arrangements for seeing his son - but to no avail. He just says he's scared that if he does anything to upset her, she won't let him see his son. I keep argueing that this is blackmail and she can't legally do this as he has rights to see him. At the end of the day, we talk about it over and over again and nothing ever changes. He didn't marry either of them. The first 3 were planned and the relationship ended when the mother cheated on him. The most recent relationship with his ex ended about the time she got pregnant. Despite him making it very clear to her that he didn't want kids, she 'somehow' got pregnant anyway and then was supposed to have an abortion but didn't. I know, the story just sounds worse and worse as I hear myself telling it. My BF and I started seeing eachother when they broke up - and i didn't know he had a pregnant ex until about 3 months into it.

I should explain that I'm not demanding to be present when he seeing his son but rather whenever she is there. He's 30 and I'm 26. Funny you should mention about marriage because we just had a serious conversation where he made it pretty clear that he won't commit to me either. I guess I am jusst like his other 2 ex's - only waiting to be the next ex.

I know it's a (edit) relationship to be in. i just find it hard to get out of it. I don't have many friends and find myself spending time with him more often than not.

**sourpuss** · 06-21-2010 10:52 PM

Then spend time with yourself. It's better than spending time with any of these people. He's not sleeping with her because he feels sorry for her, so quit believing that line. You deserve better.