Help me

**Penelope** · 06-23-2010 11:21 PM

I think I have a clingy boyfriend, but I'm not 100% sure. Maybe I'm overreacting? I need some outside input...and advice on how to handle this...

Okay...my boyfriend and I have been dating for roughly a year. He is in the Marines and got stationed elsewhere in the country so he only visits for about 5 days every 3 - 4 months. I'm a Mom working from home with my own business and I have a 1 and a half year old son (different father - long story -unrelated.) He works day shift while I take care of smaller work tasks and phone calls in the morning while watching my son play, and then afternoon do house work and activities with my son, feeding him, park, etc, and then when my son goes to bed I work from around 9:00 pm to about 3 or 4 in the morning.

My boyfriend calls me at exactly 9:00 AM everyday. Sometimes I'm a little too pre-occupied with making my son breakfast that I don't have a chance to answer the phone, which makes him rather sad. He'll then, regardless if I answer or not, call AGAIN around 10:30. THen he will call again during his lunch around 12:30...and then he will call me again sometime in the afternoon around 2:00...and then again on his drive home at 5:00....and then when he gets home around 5, I put my son down for a nap, and I talk to him via online messaging (since that's the most of what we can do in a LDR spanning thousands of miles) with a webcam. I do stay online and flitter back and forth between cleaning, making dinner, and my son until my son goes to bed around 9. My boyfriend stays online and chats with me until 12:00. While he's at work all day he sends me emails so I periodically have to check my inbox and reply. This isn't TOO difficult since I have to check my email regularly anyway due to my business, but it still adds up and eats up time having to read and reply. Recently, he found a way to install a messenger on a computer at work and talks to me on there too...thankfully, he doesn't seem to mind my slow responses while he's at work. When he gets home though, if replies are taking too long he starts to get anxious. His idea of a long pause is about a minute. So it's rather frustrating.

Since I work MOSTLY at night (and morning), it's hard to divide attention well. My boyfriend wants to be the focus of my attention if my son is asleep...and it's just getting to be too much. I feel like I have two children. When my son goes to bed I can really dedicate my time to focusing on my work free of distractions. But instead, I'm still distracted replying to my boyfriend and giving him attention until he goes to bed. I have finally gotten him to be OKAY with me working when my son goes to bed, but still managing replies (but with a slow response time of about 2 - 3 minutes).

I just don't know how to handle this. It feels clingy to me, and maybe I'm over-reacting. I understand he's a distance away and misses me, as I miss him. But, it just feels so overwhelming. I guess I'm asking if anyone has any advice or tips on how to cope with this. I feel my frustration about this building up, and I don't want to be mean to him. I know he means well and just misses me. I love him a lot, so I've been very patient. But I still feel this lingering resentment building and I don't want it there.

Please help

**Mes T** · 06-23-2010 11:34 PM

I think under normal circumstances I wouldn't find that extraordinarily clingy behavior, but I can definitely understand why it's getting to be too much for you - I got tired just READING about your day to day schedule! Jeez woman where do you get your energy?

I think you two might not be a good match at this point in your lives - he needs someone he can talk to more or less constantly, and your priorities at this moment are your son and work, and there's not that much room right now for a very serious boyfriend.

Have you talked to him about this, about how yes you love and miss him very much, but there's just not enough time in your day for all the messages? Can you arrange somehow that between such and such time, he shouldn't message you unless you message him first?

**Penelope** · 06-23-2010 11:55 PM

I have mentioned a couple times that I wish he would be more understanding...but admittedly, I didn't get too far into it. I'm too afraid of hurting his feelings. He's rather sensitive. If anything, he brings up conversations from time to time that he feels TOO distant from me, and wishes we could talk more.

He has offered several times about having a time when he stops talking to me, etc. But when I see his sad expression, I can't help but turn him down. I want to be able to find a good compromise without hurting his feelings.

If he was anyone else, I would be severely irritated and probably end the relationship. But, I love him. He is my best friend. I'm determined to make it work. We share the same hobbies and interests, (videogames, computers, web design, art, etc), he's very caring, hilarious, & hard working. My business is in graphic and web design - and it is great having a best friend and boyfriend who can share insight and help solve problems that I'm presented with. I also, do like, (to a degree) a bit of clinginess. I like to take care of him, just like I take care of my son. And he is extremely attentive to my needs (outside of this). I just wish it would be a little bit more...toned down. Especially right now, since I have several deadlines coming up to enormous projects...

He also will be stationed this upcoming September somewhere closer - only 4 hours away. So he'll be able to visit more often. I'm hoping this might lower the amount of messaging and phone calls since before he got stationed a few thousand miles away, he wasn't nearly even half as overbearing as he is now.

**jns** · 06-24-2010 12:42 AM

He does sound very attentive, but I think many would like a bf who was so attentive. The good news is: it sounds like he doesn't have enough free time to even think about getting in trouble, which is a good thing. Hopefully things will get better for you when he is stationed closer.

**Mes T** · 06-24-2010 01:03 AM

I totally get where you're coming from, and if you explained it to him the way you just did here, he should be able to understand and compromise a little - He's not a selfish person, is he? If he's not, then he should be okay with "sacrificing" a few phone calls and messages here and there for your sake.

I get not wanting to hurt his feelings - but if something like "Hon, I love talking to you every day, but for now I need a little bit more uninterrupted time during the day to make sure I get all of my responsibilities done" hurts his feelings a little, there's not much else you can do. I can think of no nicer way to phrase this very reasonable request. He's a man in the military, surely he can take it?

You need to do this one thing for yourself, for your sanity, otherwise I don't see an end to it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-24-2010 07:11 AM

I totally get this.....and I totally understand why you feel overwhelmed by his constant need for communication with you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pulling my hair out. And at best, even if you weren't as busy as you are, the habitual totally predictable calling multiple times a day would get old fast to me. It's as if he needs to engulf you in him constantly in order to feel "secure" in the relationship. Sort of like "I don't want you to go very long without thinking of me".

Yea, as jns said some girls might like that behavior but I wouldn't call it attentive. I think there is a difference to being attentive and being clingy. An attentive partner is one that is ALSO in tune with your wants/needs. An attentive partner knows your schedule, knows your swamped and tries their hardest to accomodate that and make that easier for you. Just because your partner calls you and chats with you constantly does not make them attentive. And especially if he grows impatient or upset when you aren't instantly able to talk with him. This is not attentiveness, this is pure clingyness harbored from what sound like deep roots of insecurity.

Lets looks at a dictionary def of attentive: 1. heedful, mindful, aware, alert, awake, watchful

In this case, I can't consider your partner heedful or mindful. Why? Because he gets upset and impatient when you're not at his beck and call. He's putting his feelings before yours. Sort of like the puppy who "says", "pet me pet me pet me pet me" because they need to feel reassurance of your love not necessarily because they want YOU to feel loved.

A man...or should I say a partner who needs constant reassurance is like having an extra child. Because you are constantly having to unselfishly put yourself, your wants last in line.....just as you do with a child. And that clingy partner will gladly let you put what you need last, in order to get what they need first. Often times partners like this feel in competition with the other things in your life: child, work. And what do we do when we're in competition? We push to win. So yes, when baby goes to bed for the night, finally, his competition is gone and he must command your attention. Not all men will do this.

I've found that there are people suited for this type of partner. I'm not one of those people. I simply can't do it. For me, this behavior out of a partner not only "wears out it's welcome", but decreases my physical, sexual, and emotional attraction to the person as well.

**KMonte85** · 06-24-2010 07:30 AM

I would be annoyed by the constant phone calls too, but let's also look at the dynamics of this long distance relationship...

He only gets to see you, in the flesh, 5 days every 3-4 months. ...That's about 2 weeks out of the year, where he can actually see you, hold you, be with you.

So I think he misses you tremendously, and wants to hear your voice, and talk about the little things like the couples who see each other and spend time together every single day get to do. So say, on a good day, you're able to speak with him 6 times in a day (9am, 1030am, 2pm, 5pm and 9pm via msgs) - that doesn't even compare to the time spent talking to one another when a couple is physically with each other, talking and enjoying each other's company.

If anything, instead of several short conversations, you can set up a time with him where you have one or two longer, meaningful conversations in the day. Tell him you love talking to him and hearing his voice, but you feel like you can't give him your full attention with the six short phone calls a day. Tell him you would much prefer talking to him at (insert good times to talk here, when you and he aren't busy), when you can give each other your full atttention and can really talk with one another, have a fulfilling conversation, instead of treating the time on the phone as an afterthought while he's hanging around and you're trying to get stuff done. It may be a better way to fix the annoyance, than to just outright say his calling all the time is getting on your nerves!

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-24-2010 07:53 AM

Perhaps you can give him a dedicated time (more or less it will never be perfect with a baby in the equation :P) But something like meeting him on messenger from 9:30 to 11:30 where you give him ALL of your attention. Better 2 hours of solid attention than you having to go nuts trying to squeeze in a minute for him every 10 minutes all day every day.

Perhaps he needs it so much so often because he doesn't feel like he gets a non-distracted you. And you can't give him a non distracted you because your day is so filled and you are doing 10 things at once so you are probably tense, stressed when you talk and it adds to his anxiety AND YOURS.

I dont think you have to tell him he is being too intrusive to your day, but you can hopefully come up with a way to tell him that if you can get all your stuff done throughout the day without being on the phone that once the kiddo goes to bed you'll be all his for the evening.

I think he probably has a misconception that because you work from home it means you are free to do whatever you please. He needs to understand that although you are your own boss there... the work still has to get done, and if you can't accomplish it through the day... your up til 5 am, then getting up early with the baby and you feel like you are exhausted. He's bound to understand that.

Tell him you love him and love hearing from him but it frustrates you that you can't give him the attention he deserves, the attention you want to give while you are working and running around after the baby and that you would enjoy yoru time with him so much better if you guys were able to talk without distraction later in the night.

**Myself** · 06-24-2010 08:11 AM

I think that you should talk to him about your feelings. It sounds to me like your relationship borders on parent/child instead of significant others. As the mother of a 1 1/2 year old and the wife of a slightly clingy man, I know a little about your situation.

I understand that you are afraid of hurting his feelings. But you need to be concerned about your own mental health also. The schedule that you are trying to keep sounds exhausting! I agree with previous posts. Maybe try setting up 2 times a day to have a long, uninterupted conversation. These conversations would perhaps leave both of you feeling more fulfilled, and help with the excessive clinging.
Whatever you decide, I urge you to please talk this out with your BF. The feelings of resentment will just fester and eventually cause problems in your relationship.

**Penelope** · 06-24-2010 09:26 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies, I'll talk to him and see how it goes

Thread: Help me

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Help me

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions