Take Your Pity Party and Shove It!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-27-2010 10:46 AM

Mad may not be the word. Not sure quite how to identify the feelings that have started to accumulate over the past few days.

I beat myself up over the relationship. Why couldn't I make it work? He's such a great person. What's wrong with me? Why am I such a bizznitch that I can't make it work with this great guy? Am I incapable of a good relationship? WHAT is wrong with me?

But then, in the depths of my sorrow, a lightbulb went off and I started to remember HIS flaws too. This wasn't just me.....so why am I the one taking all the blame? Why has he told his family and friends "she's a really great person BUT..........." yet has taken no responsibility for his OWN flaws? as made it look to everyone in his life that I'm truly at fault for the downfall of the relationship so that they all feel sorry for him and think I'm some coldhearted B. The people that have talked to me since the breakup that had also talked to him....it was so obvious that he hadn't really "badmouthed" me but has definitely blamed me. So the other night, he messaged me about something, and ended up mentioning this "wall" I had built in our relationship. I responded, "Enough about my "wall". Yes, I have issues. But what about your own walls? Have you forgotten them? What about the constant insecurity, the need for constant validation and instruction from me? What about the emotional baggage and resentment you STILL carry from your childhood? What about your constant feeling of being unloved, by pretty much everyone in your life you love no matter what they do to show they love you? What about your unwillingness to plan something, cook something, or decide something in fear of rejection? What about your inability to open up about much of anything beyond a surface level? Need I go on?" He responded "You made your point....". I guess you could say I'd had enough....enough of the blame, enough of spending the past two weeks consoling HIM in his constant sadness/depression. Shockingly similar to our relationship where I constantly had to put my own feelings aside to help console him through his. I was a part of this relationship too. I suffered a loss too darn-it and I'm DONE taking the blame.

Great person or not, he had his own flaws. Our downfall wasn't just mine. He wanted more from me than he was truly willing to give. Yeah, he might have said the mushy stuff that girls want to hear....he might have thought he loved me..... but he had his OWN walls. He knows I'm a Christian. He knows I am a believer in God and though don't practice organized religion, am very strong in my faith. He knows this because I shared it with him. But in a year, he never not once, no matter how many times I tried to open the door FOR him to open up, EVER opened up about his faith, what he believed, if he believed, if he prayed, etc. I didn't make a big deal of it....I figured in time when he was ready he'd open up and share that part of himself with me. But he wants to say he gave me his all and didn't get my all in return? That's just one of many ways he had his OWN walls up......I just didn't try to force his walls down with ultimatums.

So yeah, I guess the sadness has passed....and now I'm feeling a bit resentful for getting all the blame, and for him sitting back and letting me beat myself into the ground over my own faults with zero focus on his own. So he's a great guy, I'm a great gal too.

So he and his entire pity party can take their blame and shove it.

**Olympia** · 06-27-2010 11:39 AM

You are at that, a great gal.
It most definately is a process.
Glad to hear your are healing...

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-27-2010 12:32 PM

At this point, he's just trying to make himself feel better... as are you. I don't know, if it helps him heal to blame you... that'll be what he does. If it helps you heal to blame him or to share the blame, or to blame no one... it'll be what it does.

I know you don't want to be slammed to his friends and family as being the meanie, no one wants that. After relationships end partners can tend to view their ex partner to the extreme. Either they place them on the highest pedestal and think no one else will ever live up what they had or they view them in the dirt, someone that hurt them so badly they are happy they are rid of them. Hero or villian. Neither is really true, but its just a coping mechanism.

Its better that he's leaning more on the side of villianizing you than hero'ing you... as he's more likely to be over you and moving on faster that way. Trust that you'd much prefer he thinks your the bad guy than have him still driving past your house every sunday blaring love songs from his window etc :P

I know, in a perfect world you could end things amicably, each being greatful for the experience you shared together, the lessons learned , shake hands, wish good luck and move on with only positive feelings... but that generally isn't what happens.

No breakups are trully even as no love is ever truly equal... one party is always going to be more hurt and have a hard time recovering, its just the nature of things.

**rcoreyus** · 06-27-2010 12:36 PM

I don't think blame matters. Some people are compatible, others are not. Faults that one person would think are trivial, another might think are critical. While an outside observer might sometimes put most or all of the blame on one person, it still isn't important. If you are not right for each other, then I don't think there is anything to be gained by deciding who was at fault. End it, and find someone who doesn't make you think about fault.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-27-2010 12:47 PM

Tis very true. I guess I was just more than willing to feel like that bad guy here.....all too willing. There will always be blame, but I was willing to say "we're just not right for each other" and move on. Its just a bit disheartening to think that he came out of this relationship refusing to see his own flaws yet focused on mine. I guess in other words, I was willing to take the blame until I realized he was all too willing to place it all on me. I don't think he's necessarily bad talking me but I feel a bit....well....violated or something that he's sort of putting my flaws out there. They're my flaws. Why does everyone that was in our lives need to know them? I certainly haven't aired all his to our friends.

HD, that made me laugh. I had an ex who would do exactly that and play Def Leopard "Love Bites". Lol. Awwwwkward!

I guess no matter what, someone will always take the blame. If the people that we were friends with listen to him and his blame of me, and believe a one sided story, then they won't be friends of mine for long.

**jns** · 06-27-2010 12:48 PM

BD, it's good you are getting perspective on your just past relationship. It is never easy. As time gives even more perspective, remember enough of the bad so you never want to backtrack, rather remember more of the good times. After all, it was a time in your life that should be remembered with contentment and happiness. Holding on to the bitterness only hurts you. Use it as a growing experience to help guide you for the future, but as you make rules, remember there are also times to break those rules.

I am not one who likes to obliterate the past, so I would not suggest that to anyone. A person is a composite of their past experiences and if you like how they are now, you should not be afraid of the path that led them there. However, I would suggest putting away the pictures, letters and other communications. Put away some of the bad as well as the good so you can remember why the split occurred, even while being nostalgic or pining for the past.

Good luck for the future.

**KMonte85** · 06-28-2010 08:21 AM

It sounds like you're still processing... as you should. He, too, is probably doing the same.

You've gone from being hurt, feeling guilty to now feelings some anger and resentment... eventually an upward swing will come and you'll start to feel better (not hurt, not guilty, not angry), those feelings will be replaced with reflection and acceptance.

Don't worry about what others might think of you.. if they don't understand that he's angry, working through the breakup, and being very one-sided in his recollection of things, then they really aren't worth worrying about. The people that truly matter will understand that there wasn't any fault to be had - you are just two unique people who needed different things from a SO. There is nothing to feel blame about there, it is what it is!

**WildChild** · 06-28-2010 10:03 AM

This is all part of the process of grieving and separation. If you don't get struck you will come to be able to see the weakensses and pluses on both of your parts and it sounds like you are on your way there.

**kygirl** · 06-28-2010 12:41 PM

Sweetie, sometimes it's just easier for people to point fingers and not to see the part that they played in the downfall of the relationship. Maybe if he acknowledges that he played a part, it makes him feel like he failed as well. Maybe he wants to be believe that he gave 100% and that this didn't work entirely because of you. It's easy to start pointing fingers and although it never fixes anything, at times, it can make you feel a bit better. Perhaps, that is what he is doing. He is trying to figure this all out and move through the emotions he is feeling. I am sure in time, he will realize entirely that he was not perfect either, but sometimes when you have to live with yourself, it is easier to blame the person that you can keep at a distance... Or perhaps, even blaming you , for him, allows him to push aside some of the care/love that he felt for you.

I do know it's really hard to have someone blame you, and it is hard to have someone not like you. The fact is, as others have said, that very rarely does a relationship truly end amicably. In time, perhaps, but there are so many emotions to sort through at the beginning that often we have to have a true separation, break and establish some distance before we can begin that process of going from "maybe forever" to "just friends." Someone also hurts more. And sometimes even the person who has to end it still hurts more especially when it's hard to explain why you can't make it work.

But I ramble to say that you know what all happened and regardless of how he feels now, deep down, I'm sure he knows that you are not the only one to blame, and you he is also not to blame. You are good people, and sometimes just because two people come together, it doesn't work. End of discussion. You have to live your life for you. In the end, your opinion is the one that matters because *you* are the only person you have to face every day!

FWIW, Glad you're getting over the sad part a bit at least