Not good at responding to people's affections.. Is anyone like this, too?

**holetoledo** · 07-06-2010 07:13 PM

I don’t know why but I’m not very good at receiving praises, or responding when people tell me they love or miss me. I don’t know if people notice it at all, but . . . I want to be more receptive to them. I just don’t know how. It’s as though a wall goes up when I hear it or when someone shows me affection. I don’t go cold when it’s my turn to answer, but it’s just . . . I get very shy or sometimes quiet.

Is anyone else like this, too? Does it bother your loved ones?

**SaharaJim** · 07-07-2010 11:25 AM

Have you considered why you seem to be "unresponsive"? For many years I was always 'suspicious" of other people's motives. When I was told that someone Loved me, missed me or praised me - my first thought was always "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" As I came to accept and like myself better I came to realize that most people didn't really want anything. Or at least nothing that I wasn't happy to give...like return of affection, courtesy, acknowledgment. I felt unworthy of the interest and affection so I assumed that people giving it to me MUST have some "other motive". But that was me...how about you...why do you get shy or quiet?

**holetoledo** · 07-11-2010 10:13 AM

I'm not really sure. It's as though I freeze up and then I have to force myself to respond, which doesn't feel natural; thus I feel guilty about it.

**WildChild** · 07-11-2010 11:22 AM

This is not an uncommon problem. I've had trouble with it, always credited that old family idea that you shouldn't be 'vain' and that complimenting people or being receptive of compliments would make you vain. This is BS of course.
When I participated in T Harv Eker"s Millionaire Mind Intensive we did an exersize to help us learn to overcome this. Very simple; we pretty much numbered off 1,2,1,2 (over 4000 people in several groups) and took turns giving and recieving compliments. This was a bit of a challenge for the givers because we didn't know much or anything about the people we were complimenting but its amazing how much good you can quickly find about people when you have to.

The recieivers were not allowed to say anything except "Thank You".
No, "It's old", " I got it on sale", "You have a great smile too". Just thank you. Anything else belittles the compliment. It was harder than you may think but you know, it felt good too.

Thank You.

We don't have enough of it.

When you don't recieve a compliment you are depriving the other person of the pleasure of giving that to you. You are denighing their acknowledgement of you and how special you are.

**LanaBear** · 07-11-2010 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

The recieivers were not allowed to say anything except "Thank You".
No, "It's old", " I got it on sale", "You have a great smile too". Just thank you. Anything else belittles the compliment. It was harder than you may think but you know, it felt good too.

Thank You.

It's amazing how simple that is, huh? I never really thought about it, but that is really all that is needed in response to a compliment. I don't deal with compliments well either, I never know what to say in return, but there it is... Two little, simple words...

**ItsASecret** · 07-11-2010 12:07 PM

I am the same way. I do not see anything about myself to compliment so when I do receive a comment from someone I just pause and give them what they want to hear..."oh thank you". In truth I could care less about the compliment itself but I do not want to be rude and not say anything at all. If it is someone in my family that gives a compliment I will basically keep quiet and give a sort of half smile and look in another direction. I just do not like that sort of attention focused on me.

**jns** · 07-11-2010 01:51 PM

Humble graciousness on the part of the receiver is a winning trait.

**BasketCase** · 07-11-2010 02:10 PM

I have a similar problem I have been working on for years. Is it possible that when someone compliments you, you reject it because you don't believe it yourself? For instance when someone tells me that i am pretty I assume they are just saying it to be nice. Because I don't see it when I look in the mirror. So I really don't feel like I have been complimented I tend to feel lied to. And it just brings forth my insecurities. While the logical side of me is saying "just take the compliment" My irational, insecure side says "they are just mocking you" or "they just say it to make you feel better or spare your feelings". And it does affect my love ones becfause of course they mean the things they say.

**stressed** · 07-12-2010 09:44 AM

Yes, "thank you" is the best answer to compliments of all kinds. I even say it to my boyfriend sometimes and he always says "you don't have to thank me", but there's really nothing better to say. Just smile and thank the other for the compliment. You don't have to give a compliment back, it might sound forced, but you can do so at a later time. As for those who miss you and love you, well, you should only say the same back if you mean it. If you feel the same but can't find the right words then think of something you're comfortable with to show your feelings. A message, a post-card, something to show the other that you miss and love him but just can't always find the right words for it.

We never say "I love you" in my family so I was raised like this. We always showed our love for each other in so many other ways but I've never heard my parents say "I love you" to each other. Mom tells me so over the phone some times but "love" is not really in our family language. My boyfriend uses it a lot and they use it a lot in his family so I had to adjust to this. But it doesn't mean that there's any less love in my family than his, we just have different ways of expressing it.

**cocoa** · 08-29-2010 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by holetoledo

I don’t know why but I’m not very good at receiving praises, or responding when people tell me they love or miss me. I don’t know if people notice it at all, but . . . I want to be more receptive to them. I just don’t know how. It’s as though a wall goes up when I hear it or when someone shows me affection. I don’t go cold when it’s my turn to answer, but it’s just . . . I get very shy or sometimes quiet.

Is anyone else like this, too? Does it bother your loved ones?

Yeah, i'm similar. But i don't see it as a problem or issue although others do. To please the person who gives me the compliment, I say "thank you." But i don't put much value in compliments. Whatever the intention, it doesn't really have as much importance for me as it does to the person giving it.

Originally Posted by ItsASecret

I am the same way. I do not see anything about myself to compliment so when I do receive a comment from someone I just pause and give them what they want to hear..."oh thank you". In truth I could care less about the compliment itself but I do not want to be rude and not say anything at all. If it is someone in my family that gives a compliment I will basically keep quiet and give a sort of half smile and look in another direction. I just do not like that sort of attention focused on me.

Yep, agree.