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Thread: Rude "friend" - what to say?

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    WH Moderator - JUNE 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH- Array KMonte85's Avatar
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    Default Rude "friend" - what to say?


    I posted a while ago about my best friend Amber - who was bitten by the green-eyed monster, and took every opportunity to criticize my successes instead of congratulate me.

    Well, I talked to her a while back, distanced myself, and she sort of cooled it a bit. We've been spending more time together now (it is summer - we camp together often and her husband and my boyfriend are BFF's so many weekends we are together grilling, hanging around, just general stuff).

    She's to the point where she holds her tongue and doesn't say snarky comments when we're all spending time together and everything is pleasant ...until she gets a few beers in her.

    4th of July I had just about had enough of her antics. We all had a few pitchers in us, and she started on other people we were with first - telling another dating couple what they need to do ("why aren't you married yet? you should be. What's taking so long? Don't you really love each other, or is this just convenient for you?"). Then she hit up my boyfriend's brother in law whom she barely knows, he married my boyfriend's sister less than a year ago ("So why isn't she pregnant yet? Aren't you two happy in your marriage? What's wrong with you?").

    I was tipsy, but sober enough to be pretty much mortified by her behavior! I told her to knock it off, she was being rude (and made a reference to her sounding exactly like her mother - that was my bad for escalating). then she turned on me - "must be nice to have everything you've ever wanted handed to you", "yeah, because you know what it is like to struggle with finding a job, wish I had your family's money and connections", "wish my family would pay my way through school and help with a house loan," "maybe someday you'll actually know what it is like to be in a real relationship, if you ever get married"

    I'm really hurt by all of this and I've been stewing for days now. I haven't talked to her since, and I really don't want to. It makes me regret everything I've ever told her, as she uses it as ammo when she wants to make a point. Like my family helping me out - my parents paid for my college education, her's could have too, but her stepdad said no so she had to take out loans. My family helped me out with the loan for my house too - not that I don't pay the mortgage, but they helped me get almost 2% off of the interest rate I originally was approved for (they knew some people at the bank and made a few calls). I still pay, but I pay much less than I would have had to. (but she gets cheap rent for living at her in-law's apt complex, almost 1/2 what the other tenants have to pay).

    I put in years of hard work that she didn't at getting and keeping relevant internships, countless hours of research and preparation for job interviews, plenty of weekends at business events instead of at college bars, I bust my butt at my job so I know I have security... she really hasn't done any of these things, and yet - because I had some financial help from my parents for college, my degree is worth less than hers, even though I worked throughout college to pay for everything (texts, food, rent, etc) except tuition and she lived at her parents house and then in an apt with her husband completely jobless. I don't even know why I'm trying to justify my situation with these "Yeah but's" I feel like I'm on the defensive and need to explain myself, when I know that an explanation isn't necessary... but I still find myself doing it, and stewing more about what she said, and ranting to my boyfriend about it (and now you guys too...)

    I didn't say anything to her that night after her hissy fit, we spent a few more hours together that night and the comments kept coming as the beer kept flowing, but I chose to ignore her. But now I really regret NOT saying something. I have a feeling this is going to come back again in the next few weeks as we have some more festivals and parties coming up. How do I handle this? What is the best way to tell her to stop without getting mean (which is often my first line of defense - I could say some things that would shut her up forever, but I'm not lowering myself to that). How do I defend what I've worked for without taking her down? I'd say this is the end of our friendship, at least what it was, but I know we'll be spending more time together as her husband and my boyfriend are so close - so just cutting ties won't work - I need a gameplan for the inevitable times we will be together when she will say something rude and discerning.
    Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson



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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+)MAY 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array pretzel's Avatar
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    "To all parties concerned, if she starts with the drunken antics again, no holds barred and I don't care who I insult"

    There's not much you can do with an ugly drunk,
    There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW

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    WH Super Moderator Array sourpuss's Avatar
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    The way I look at situations like this is I think back about how many 'best friends' I've had in my life up until now and almost none of them are in my life. Life happens, people drift apart, jobs, school, people move, have falling outs, etc.
    She sounds like a negative influence in your life, it would be hard in the short term, but I'd cut ties. Be busy when she asks to spend time together. Find new friends and activities. You'll be the bad guy for awhile but in the long run your life will be more positive without her in it. There will be many more people who will come in and out of your world before your time is up, she's not worth the headache she causes people.
    Just my opinion.
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    WH Moderator - JUNE 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH- Array KMonte85's Avatar
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    I really can't just completely cut ties with her - living in a tight knit community, most of my friends also know her, we're all part of the same social circle, bowl in the same league, our SO's are hunting buddies, our families are distantly related, we get invited to the same parties - blah blah blah you get the idea, we're bound together.

    I'd rather find some way to shut her up when she starts getting that liquid courage in her and saying rude things, so that we can at least have a civil time together. I don't have to be her friend anymore, I've realized that I don't need that kind of toxicity in my life, just as you've said sourpuss. I've tried remaining friends, but I'm done now - I've got supportive friends and don't need her...

    I've been tempted to have my boyfriend talk to her husband, so he can try to control her when she gets out of hand, but that seems so passive aggressive to me - I would rather just deal with it myself when she starts harping on me. I'm good at telling people off, but with her it is harder because I'm still taking her feelings and her reasons for being that way to me in consideration...Just need to figure out what to say that will shut her up for good without embarrassing her or unneccessarily hurting her feelings - or well, maybe I shouldn't even really care about her feelings anymore, since when she's sauced she doesn't much care about anyone elses!
    Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson



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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+)MAY 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array pretzel's Avatar
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    KM, I can guarantee you her husband not only knows that she's an ugly drunk but also feels powerless to do anything about it. He's probably done fighting her when she gets this way himself and has said "the h... with this, let her get what she's got coming to her" He's got to live with her everyday. It's sometimes easier to ignore it when he can.

    You don't think she's like this to him also?

    You can walk away and nobody would think any less of you because of it.
    There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW

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    WH Super Moderator Array sourpuss's Avatar
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    Her feelings don't matter at this point, maybe when it first started, but not now. You've already told her how you feel and she doesn't care and keeps doing it. Maybe you and your husband should sit down with her husband and ask him to talk to her, or at least be aware of her behavior.
    You could take her out to lunch and confront her and just be REALLY blunt and tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and you won't tolerate it. Let her know that you care about your friendship but the next time it happens, alcohol or not, you will call her out on it in front of everyone. She needs to treat everyone with respect if she expects to have friends. It could backfire on you, but at this point you have nothing to lose. And chances are that everyone else is feeling the same way you are so it's not like anyone is going to judge you for it, they'll probably be thankful that someone finally stood up to her.
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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Array kygirl's Avatar
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    KM, you may not be able to avoid her because of the situation but I would completely stay away from her except on those occassions when you **have** to be around her, and then I'd still keep things at a distance and at a very superficial level. Then, if she ever asks why you're distant, I'll just tell her straight out. That you feel like she is extremely rude when she drinks, you can trust her to treat you with respect when she's been drinking, and honestly, you'd rather just not hang out with her on a regular basis anymore if she can't change her behavior... I'm all for trying to keep the peace but I had a friend like this once, who was friends with other people I knew as well and it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I haven't really missed her because I know I have other good people in my life that deserve to be in it.

    And btw, you don't have to explain to us how hard you've worked, etc. Regardless, her behavior was hurtful and unnecessary and I think anyone would be upset with someone who was acting that way.
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    WH Assistant Head Moderator Array LanaBear's Avatar
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    I don't really have anything to add except that I agree with everybody else. She just sounds like a horrible horrible person and I definitely would not be beating around the bush to avoid hurting her feelings.

    There comes a point when you've just got to tell her like it is. You wouldn't be stooping to her level, that is way way down there, but there is no harm in speaking your mind and protecting yourself. You don't have to throw her secrets back at her in front of everybody. Just stand up, tell her that she is an ignorant and hurtful person and you have no desire to be around her. Turn around and walk away.

    She'll feel like an idiot and everyone else will probably just agree with you, but they themselves just don't know how to say it.
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    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
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    WH Super Moderator Array sourpuss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LanaBear View Post
    Just stand up, tell her that she is an ignorant and hurtful person and you have no desire to be around her. Turn around and walk away.

    She'll feel like an idiot and everyone else will probably just agree with you, but they themselves just don't know how to say it.
    AGREE AGREE AGREE!!!
    Please, KM, don't feel any guilt for standing up for yourself, ever. I think if every little girl was taught that from the time they were little babies, things would be lot different. You have no reason to feel bad, or nervous about telling a rude person they are rude and not welcome to be around you. You're not missing out on anything if she gets mad at you, but as long as she's there, you're missing out on other things and other people. I guarantee you that everyone else is even more fed up than you are with her.
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    WH Moderator - JUNE 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH- Array KMonte85's Avatar
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    You're all right.. I'm sure her husband knows how she is, they've been married for a few years now and especially when she really started getting down on herself and drinking more, I think he took the brunt of it when he got home from work. That's why he just looked at her when she started shooting her mouth off last weekend.. so he won't be of any help.

    I think I will just need to be blunt and tell her straight out not to say that anymore. It's hard to do for me, to her anyway. I feel like I'm slighting my family you know? It's like I don't want to tell her off in the same way I wouldn't want to tell off a sister or aunt or neice. GAH! I just gotta muster up the gusto to tell her what's up... too bad I can't be sauced up like her when I do it... liquid courage works just as well for me as her lol :P
    Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson



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