A little venting post breakup

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-09-2010 10:43 AM

I'm not mad, upset or in a dither......which is good.

So here it is...my rant:

It's been ALMOST a month since we officially made the break. For the first week or so he was depressed, crying every day, and I consoled him, encouraged him, tried to say things to make him feel better because I knew he was heartbroken. I was pretty hurt too, but I hid that from him because I figured it would just make him feel worse.

Then he stopped talking to me at all. Not a hi, hello, how ya doin, nothing. He was VERY adament about wanting to keep me as a friend since we had been friends before and had been such a big part of each others lives. So when he shut me off, it agitated me a bit. However, I let him be, didn't contact him.

A week or so later he text me out of the blue one day while I was at work. Just a friendly text. I responded. He brought up the lack of contact and so I told him that if he wants to be my friend he should act like it. That doesn't mean constant contact by any means, but purposely ignoring someone isn't very friendly. He apologized.

Since then he'll periodically contact me by text, just friendly stuff now and then, nothing major. Last weekend he tried to get me to come to his familys 4th of July cookout, I politely declined considering it was a huge gathering of his family and friends and we're BROKEN UP. Not sure why me not wanting to be a part of that would be hard to understand. Yesterday he text and asked what my plans were this weekend, and I told him I have a friend coming into town to visit. He responded, "Oh. Ok.

" Then when I asked why he did that, he said "Well, if you change your mind and want to get together soon let me know". Ummmm, what!?!?! Then he informed me he was really feeling down on himself that day. I sorta teased him and told him his "period" would be over soon, to quit being such a downer. I lightened the mood, and that was it.

So this morning, he texts me again and says he wants to get together and talk "soon". I don't get it. When we broke up, he said he wanted "more". I haven't changed, he knows that, so why on Earth is he so adament about getting back together? So I messaged him back and told him that now I feel like the only reason he's being nice to me and says he wants to be my "friend" is because he's really hoping we'll get back together, but that it makes no sense to get back together when we weren't happy. I kinda played it back in bits and pieces to show him my confusion "You said you wanted "more", then was depressed, then quit talking to me, then start being friendly to me again and now you're wanting to get back together? How is anyone supposed to know how to deal with you when you're on top of the world one minute and then depressed and down on yourself the next?" His response, "I don't know what to say. I'm an idiot.". Once again, making me feel bad for him because he's so down on himself.

Is it TRULY me he misses, or having a relationship that he misses? Part of me feels like he was using the status of having a girlfriend as validation for his ego. Now he doesn't have a girlfriend and he feels like dirt about himself. Then the other part of me thinks, maybe he really does love me???? ......but this past several weeks since our break up has really shown me his immaturity in many instances. And not only his immaturity, but his constant need for an ego boost and for consoling. It was exhausting in our relationship having to talk someone out of negativity all the time, having to be the "strong" one, and it still is even when we're broken up. I told him " I was giving you all I wanted to give of myself at this point in my life. You weren' t happy with that and I wasn't happy feeling the constant pressure to be someone I'm not just so you'd be happy". His response: "So you weren't happy with me!?!" OMG!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!? No one could have been any more open with a person about their feelings than I was with him. I talked to him REGULARLY about my feelings, feeling pressured (therefore making me unhappy), etc. Now he acts like it's a total SHOCK when I say "I wasn't happy feeling pressure to be someone I'm not just so you'd be happy".

I do miss him, there are lots of things I miss. But the pressure is NOT one of them. Why would you break up because you're not happy, and then 3-4 weeks later try to get back with the person? He knows I haven't changed so why does he think he'd be happy this time?

**WildChild** · 07-09-2010 10:51 AM

Best guess, he's feeling lonely, got the post break up blues. Going back over known territory looks easier than going ahead into the unknown.
Be pleasantly unavailable till he gets over the hump.

**SaharaJim** · 07-09-2010 11:10 AM

Human condition..."Perfection" is always ahead of us or behind us. I agree with WC...be "pleasantly unavailable" until he "moves on" in personal relationships...but then you will be the "ex" and expect some jealousy from the "new". My experience is it is REALLY hard to be "friends" with an "ex" until some significant time has passed.

**KMonte85** · 07-09-2010 11:20 AM

It sounds like he's not quite ready or in the right emotional mindset to becoming friends with you again. He seems to still be a bit nostalgic about the good old times, and wants that comfort back, instead of forging ahead and moving on.

I have to agree with WC on this one. although to you a month may be enough time to come to terms with the relationship ending, it looks like he will need a bit more time to get over it. You may want to think about distancing yourself a bit more, being "pleasantly unavailable" as WC put it until he's ready to be just friends and nothing more.

On a positive note, I'm happy to hear that you're doing so well. It sounds like you've come to terms with everything ending, you know what was wrong and why, and you're not getting sucked into getting back together because you realize what will happen. Kudos to you on that! It is hard, especially when the ex is so obviously not ready to truly let go yet...

**Fallen1** · 07-09-2010 11:46 AM

I agree with KM .... it may be that it's going to take him much longer than you to come to terms with things.

I know when I broke up with my ex I was still in the mourning stages almost six months later. He wanted to remain friends and ultimately I did too. It took us almost a year to get to where we were at a stage that we could be friends. Now we are both married and we may exchange a "hey hope you are doing well" every few months.

Give it time, he'll eventually come around.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-09-2010 12:42 PM

I think it would be hard for either of us to actually be "friends" right now. Friends can talk to each other about anything, and friends date OTHERS. It would hurt me (though in silence) if he told me today he was dating someone. I know that, and I know that will ease up in time and that I can truly be a friend. It's just that with him, one day it's "I'm so glad we can still be friends" "I don't want to lose you as a friend", and then the next day he's wanting to get back together. And I'm like "how can you REALLY be my friend if you're concerned with only getting back together?". But I totally get what you all are saying and believe you are totally right.

I'm a slow mover too....I've been known to still be grieving over a relationship a year after it ends. I'm still sad over this one, but this is one of the first breakups I've had that seemed mutual. No one cheated. No one betrayed. Just two people who couldn't seem to be happy with each other. So I guess because I didn't feel betrayed, it has been easier for me to heal if that makes any sense. But I still struggle with it daily, what did I do wrong, why didn't I do things differently, how will I feel if he's just totally not in my life, etc. I guess I've just got a little more heartbreak experience than he does. Like the song says, "When a heart breaks no it don't break even".

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-09-2010 12:42 PM

I think he's just going through that period of heartache where you'll do anything to stop it, including getting back into a relationship doomed for failure. Sometimes people try moving on... and still hurt and figure that even though they hurt when they were with the person, that hurt was less than the pain they are experiencing upon break up.

I think the friendship you two had pre-relationship... may be gone, honestly. Sometimes couples can break up and remain friends and sometimes they can't. The ones that can remain friends its usually because the decision to end the relationship was mutual lack of interest. This was not the case in your relationship.

He wanted more of you, you didn't want to give any more than you were... so you guys hit a brick wall and ended things. Thats not really a mutual fall out in feelings. Those feelings won't dissapear overnight.. in a month or even a year. He'll probably still be holding on to some of them until he finally completely moves on and is seeing other people etc..

And even then a friendship may prove hard. I don't really reccommend trying to have even a distant friendship while going through the initial phases of a break up. It just adds misery to an already miserable situation. If the friendship was really really valuable you guys can eventually come back to it after time does what it does best... healing wounds.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-09-2010 12:52 PM

[BI think the friendship you two had pre-relationship... may be gone, honestly.
[/B]

I'm sure you're right. But I still don't like it...and I'm not quite to the point of accepting that yet.

It sucks bad enough the relationship couldn't work...I'm just not ready to give up on the friendship yet.

**sourpuss** · 07-09-2010 01:55 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Best guess, he's feeling lonely, got the post break up blues. Going back over known territory looks easier than going ahead into the unknown.
Be pleasantly unavailable till he gets over the hump.

My thoughts exactly. The less contact the better for a couple of months.