Was I in the wrong.....just thinking was I the one with the problem

**snuffie** · 07-15-2010 01:27 PM

My ex and I split approx 4 months ago, a number of things lead to me being insecure, mainly a very close relationship with a female friend and me finding in my opinion very graphic picture messages from her on his phone. It honestly made me very insecure and on edge. He said with me being insecure and his job contributing even though he wanted to marry me and love me he could give me what I wanted.....

Anyway I thought once I was out of the picture he would hook up with this female friend and justify my insecurities, not so, she is still with her boyfriend she was with previously when my ex and I were together and my ex is alone and they havn't met up, and it has made me think was I in the wrong, was I wrong to be insecure??

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-15-2010 01:41 PM

Its hard to say. Because sometimes a forbidden fruit isn't as desirable when its no longer forbidden. This girl may have only been flirting with the idea of messing around with him because she knew he was off the market, A LOT of women (and men) love the feeling of pushing bounderies and seeing how far they can test their own or someone elses commitment with no intention of taking it further (but obviously it happens sometiems).

But when you remove the barricade, the thing that was holding everything apart...ahh... suddenly its not as appealing as it was before. If you were still together... its entirely possible that they would have kept up with their flirting and seeing how far they could push things -- or perhaps they would have stopped anyway.

But you'll never know that. If you told him what he was doing was hurting you and he refused to consider your feelings... then you can rest assured you did the right thing.

Ask most married men and they will say they never got as many opportunites when they were single as they get now that they are married -- but what a lot don't get is they are not even 'real' opportunities... they are but pawns in an ego game that some women like to run.

1. Flirting with a guy in a relationship -- is 'safe' as in , they know its not going further.. so its a game. Flirting and being overtly sexual with a single guy -- well there is nothing preventing them from wanting more so 'no safe'... to someone that is just interested in playing games.

2. The ego boost involved in being able to say...HAH... she thinks she has a faithful guy, but I could have him if I wanted him type deal.

I'm not saying thats whats going on there... but I wouldn't base whether or not you were right or wrong on the appropriateness of his conduct on whether or not they ended up together. Thats something you'd just never know. Instead base whether or not you did the right thing on how hard you tried to get your point across and how much he cared to understand and respect you.

**snuffie** · 07-15-2010 01:58 PM

It wasn't the first time that pictures had being found, first ones he said were from before I met him and they were "friends with benefits" during his military training, I trusted him and believed him and he deleted them, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him and her but that they were friends and that I couldn't come between that, but asked for him to be respectful to me and my feelings during their conversations, the converstations weren't always sexually based but they continued and then I became suspicious again and found the second lot!! He was planning on proposing ring ordered ect!!

**KMonte85** · 07-15-2010 02:49 PM

IMO, no snuffie, you were not wrong. at all. You have respect for yourself, boundries, and you know when you're being disregarded. He was being shady, protecting and making excuses for the woman when he should have set her straight and he should have been respectful enough to you to delete those pictures (ALL of them, the old ones and the new ones) and make sure she knew never to send another one. If he was single, fine - have at it... but he wasn't. and he wasn't respecting the relationship he had with you.

So they didn't hook up after you two broke up - whoopie doo. You broke up because he carried on conversations with this woman innappropriately, more than once, and lied to you about the second pictures. The fact that they didn't carry out their racy flirations is a mute point as far as I am concerned.. I would have done the exact same thing you did. And it isn't insecurity. It is having self respect, and the awareness to know when you aren't being treated right.

**SaharaJim** · 07-15-2010 03:15 PM

Just my opinion...but Suffie...why are you concerned with ANYTHING about either of them? Pardon my bluntness but *&^%$ them and the horse they rode in on!
You found how he was treating you unacceptably ( rightly so in my opinion) and you dumped him. EOS (end of sentence). I don't think you should evaluate anything in YOUR life based on what THEY do or don't do. Maybe they are just "continuing on" and HER SO just hasn't caught on yet. Why watch that train wreck happen? Apply the "mind over matter"....you don't mind because they don't matter. Cut loose and get on with your life....it's too short to waste time on "them".

**Mes T** · 07-15-2010 05:56 PM

I agree with Jim completely, I think it's best to forget about them and stop "watching" them. Their lives aren't your business now anyway, and like others have said, you don't need to validate your decision by what they do NOW.

You were in a relationship with a guy who was flirtatious with another woman, that made you uncomfortable, he didn't understand, and you left. Perfectly reasonable. You didn't settle for anything, and now you're free to find someone whose values will match yours more closely.

**stressed** · 07-15-2010 10:12 PM

Regardless of whether they met up or not, he was disrespectful to you. Yes, he could have married you but the pictures and the contact would never end, unless her boyfriend would end it (because it doesn't sound like your boyfriend wanted it to end). He had a choice, either to live his life with you or keep this contact; he chose his 'friend'. There's not much else you can do after such a choice than leave. He cannot claim to want to marry you but put a friend above you, that's a paradox.

Like HD said, it's a game to them. Even if it will never become anything more it's hardly anything acceptable once noticed. They flirt with each other, they could be occasionally masturbating to each other's pictures, but when it comes to "real life" they feel they are faithful to their partners, since nothing physical is going to happen. I highly doubt that her boyfriend is aware of her activities anyway. They don't want to be together, they just enjoy this little game of theirs.

You made the right choice to leave. Let them be and don't think about them. They don't deserve to be in your thoughts, they only poison them.

**snuffie** · 07-19-2010 08:17 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments, thoughs thoughts of doubt had began to creep in, but I know now that what he did was unacceptable and I was valid to feel that way. He made me feel at some points that it was me who was over reacting to it and that my insecurities weren't valid.