Thread: Would like some advice

I am a 20 year old female, and I have been in a committed relationship for over 20 months now. My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married in a few years. (He surprised me on my birthday with a promise ring, signifying that he promises to marry me.) He is a very devoted partner and everything I have dreamed of. I am happy that I found the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. He is also very happy that he found me, the person he wants to marry, and we have a stable relationship with no trust or commitment problems arising. But I’ve been having some issues regarding myself, and I would like to resolve them as soon as possible.

I’ll give you a brief history of what I think is the root of my problems. I had a somewhat rocky childhood with my parents getting divorced when I was 9 months old, and my mom still discusses everything about that with me, which just gets me down. She wasn’t really responsible with me, and long story short, her irresponsibility got me molested at 14 years old by her friend’s male roommate. Thankfully, I wasn’t conscious to see what exactly happened, but I’m still aware of that it happened and still suffering from the aftermath. I’ve had previous relationships that have all ended badly (either cheated on or dumped for immature reasons), and only left me mistrusting other females, hatred of porn and men who are obsessed with women’s bodies, and jealousy.

My boyfriend and I have lived together but are currently long distance, and he is in the process of moving in with me by the end of this year; we can’t see each other in person for awhile. But I feel very paranoid of other females trying to steal him from me, based on fears of what happened to me in my previous relationships. He has severed contact with some of his female friends who were questionable out of respect for our relationship and for me. My hatred for pornography has made me not want to see nudity in movies, and especially not have my boyfriend see female nudity. I know men are attracted to women in this way, and I feel like it’ll distract him from me. He has told me countless times that it doesn’t attract him and that he just watches the movie. I’m still working on getting my own self-esteem, so we can watch these types of comedy movies together again.

At the beginning of the relationship, we set up agreements that we would not go to strip clubs or watch porn out of respect for each other, and we have both kept to our promises. His friends have tried to get him to break that promise, saying it’s not reality and I won’t know if he did or not, and this upsets me. I trust him completely, but I feel if I don’t get some help soon, these problems will do some serious damage. I have talked to him about it before and he reassures me each time, but the problems just continue to relapse. We have had continuous arguments over things that aren’t even physically happening, it’s all about the things my mind decides to make up.

I feel as though I have a jealous monster living inside of my soul and taking over me at random times of the day. When I “am” the monster, I have a very distorted image of my boyfriend and myself. I see him as a person who sees me like I’m the same as every other woman, that he’s letting other females get to him, and I’m always the last on his mind. At this point in my mindset, I want to be the only pretty female in his life, and I try to get him to admit that no one else is as good as me. I feel like his friends are getting him to do things that will hurt me behind my back. My mind just sees him as the things that hurt me before, when he’s the absolute opposite in reality.

This jealous obsession is taking over my life. I would like learn some ways of regaining my self-esteem, learning how to let go of my past, realizing that my boyfriend will not betray me, and that he is not like some other disrespectful men I have dealt with. I want my old self and my relationship back, and rid of this monster.