Am i being unfair?

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:09 PM

Hi everyone,
So my boyfriend and I have been together for just over years. Things are good between us but have started to feel a little 'strained' lately. One of our biggest problems right now is sex related. We've slept together before and have always had a healthy physical relationship.

The problem is that I want to stop having sex until we get married. We're planning to get married when we finish university which is in less than 1 year. I want the wedding night to feel extra special.. and since we've already slept together, I feel like the only way to do that is to not have sex for a while. Like it'll feel more special cos we would have waited for it, u know? My boyfriend doesnt agree with me thou. I've told him over n over how i feel n he keeps puching me saying i'm denying him of his 'needs'. i've even gone back on my decision a couple of times n had sex with him mostly cos i felt bad. He doesnt understand why I want to wait now when we've already had sex. Although i understand what hes saying, i have my reasons n he knows them.

Am i being unfair in asking him to wait when he doesnt want to?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 04:23 PM

Two people are exactly that. If you can't agree to disagree now, your in for more problems once married.

Your viewing the sacredness of marriage no sex beforehand I get that. But, I think your boyfriend is correct. Getting married is special because it is meant to be a sacred thing. Two people wishing to spend the rest of their lives together, as one.. Two souls becoming one.

If you want the wedding night to feel extra special, then in my opinion you both have to be in lust/love, laugh and be happy, enjoy each other in every way shape and form as you have in order to make it to that night for it to be special.. Putting things in place that were never there, aren't agreed with by both parties will destroy it.

If you want that "special feeling" then 2 weeks before the wedding, that's it... Then you will both desire each other, crave for each other and make it special.

And people do, do that... for that reason.

You are not denying him of his needs, that's an un-fair selfish comment. Your stopping that bond between you that you already have and creating waves that will destroy your relationship because your not compromising, your telling what your not going to do...

And, giving in as you feel bad defeats the purpose and as you can see, is creating tension, and arguements... Do the two week thing, it's the same jist of what your trying to achieve.

CW

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:38 PM

i also want to add that lately.. (before i asked him to wait). things were feeling a little stale, as in not romantic at al. we would jus randomly be watching tv n he would say lets have sex. n then afterwards we're rushing to go somewhere n i dnt even get so much as a hug afterwards. even when i say something sweet with the hope of something back i get nothing. sex is something that i think is meant to be romantic, loving n meaningful. not a quick roll around n then being shoved to the side

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 04:42 PM

parvz

The more I read, the more I wonder.

He says your denying him his needs.
He won't tell his parents about marrying you or you full stop.
He is not romantic.
He states " let's have sex" instead of kissing you and instigating it, still in a horny way but loving,

Let me ask you, are you both saving together for this wedding?
Without sex, does he hug you for no reason?
How many times a week do you see each other?

Sex can be spontaneous, horny, usually both people laugh after, as it was a spur of the moment, fun thing. It doesn't have to always be romantic, loving and meaningful...

But the laughing after, or comments, smiling at each other means there is still love involved.

CW

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:51 PM

saving for the wedding.. no neither of us are, its tradition for the bride's parents to pay for weddings so my dad will be taking care of that. but we have money put away for after we're married for a deposit on a house or at least rent.. so thats something i guess.

Well if im 100% honest.. they only times i get hugs are when he's horny. it never used to be like that n i hate it. I guess u could say that a part of the reason im wanting to wait to have sex is so i can see if he can actually love me without it cos i dont wanna be with him if he cant. Alot of times when we've had sex.. afterwards when we're at our own homes its like he's disappeared. he keeps saying its just a coincidence that he's busy afterwards n tells me to stop over thinking it. but i cant help it.. i mean.. everytime? how is it possible that he's SO busy everytime that he cant even spare a minute to text me.

We see eachother alot.. he works with my dad, who works from home, so he's at my house at least 5 days a week. and when its term time for uni we see eachother 6 days a week if not everyday. we go to the same uni n are studying for the same degree, so always together there. we go out other places together too.. but time's limited so its mostly in uni n when he's here that we're together. it is nice when we spend time together.. i jus hate feeling pushed to the side after sex.. it shouldnt be like that.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 05:01 PM

Do you think then if you see so much of each other, he wishes to have his independence, but he's just a horny person, has no understanding of intimacy, and it's importance, so he gets that part in before he leaves?

I think he's making you feel in-secure. I wouldn't expect a text, if I saw my SO everyday, one before I went to sleep, one in the morning, I get that daily and I'd miss it if it wasn't there, always something, not always goodnight, or goodmorning, sweet comments.

You say that the relationship has been strained.

Then, he has sex, doesn't make love and then he walks out the door.

Instead of denying him sex till marriage, that's your logical reason, to cover, tell him the truth... That you feel like your being used, there is no romance in this relationship and if he loves you, he needs to show it more and if your seeing each other too much and that's why he feels confined, needs space to tell you, communicate. Not diss every word you say, and dismiss it with a counter of "stop over-thinking"...

And, no... you shouldn't feel like a piece of meat, or there for someone's pleasure.

CW

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 05:16 PM

i thought that was it. i thought he needed space.. but then when i cant meet uo with him on his day off work he gets angry with me for it.. so cant be that. i have told him.. we fought only recently n i told him i need more love in the relationship n he said he'd try but it lasted all of one day :|

I dont expect texts everyday, i dont text everyday myself. but on the days we had sex.. i expect something.. anything. on days that ive seen him n its just hanging out n stuff then no texts after is fine.. it doesnt bother me. I just miss the love n romance so much n i dont think its fair that the only way i get to feel special is when i'll have sex. he should love me the same shouldnt he? i shouldnt have to feel tht im not even his girlfriend when we dont have sex. n its not easy for us to have sex either. we both live with our parents.. my dad works from home n mum is a housewife. his parents work from home too. his dont knw about me full stop. n if mine knew we were having sex they'd have a fit. the only place is hotels or the once in a blue moon time when we hav no1 else home.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 05:20 PM

Well, your not in a situation where you can judge on it, if it's Hotels only or a quicky at home in-case someone comes home...

That would be and must be very difficult.

You know, love is shown in many forms... You should know outside of the sexual side, whether or not, he is attentive, giving, loving and makes you feel that your his.

Not meeting him on his day off could be possession as well.. .He could be a possesive type as you are together so much, you don't have your own independence. Is he okay with you going out with girlfriends, meeting friends for lunch, going to the gym, doing things for yourself, or is all your time spent on studying, and with him.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-22-2010 10:02 AM

I agree with CW on this. 2 weeks before the wedding would give plenty of time for anticipation to build if you want one of those increddible explosions on the honeymoon. But I think its common for couples so in love that they are about to marry to not be able to keep their hands of each other anyway and that the wedding night will be just as exciting no matter how many days they are celibate before it.

But I have to say putting a sex stop sign in a relationship that is already sexual for a YEAR before the wedding, it won't build anticipation -- it'll build resentment.

But after reading through some of your replies it sounds like the reason you want to wait may have less to do with your honeymoon ideals and more to do with being unhappy with the state of your intimacy with him at this time. Rather than try to work on it together... you are wanting to put it to an abrupt end to the wedding night.

But the flaw in that plan is that none of what is concerning you now will be able to resolve itself if left unnaddressed. So you will just deny the issues you have, decline sex... wait for the honeymoon -- and hope things are magically better down the road? They probably won't be. You'll be faced with the same things that upset you now, only you will be married.

I think it would be good for you guys to deal with your feelings before walking down that isle as his reaction to them will be reflective of your future happiness with him.

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