How long do i wait

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:17 PM

Hi.. me again lol

I said before.. my boyfriend n i have been together for over 4 years.. even planning to get married. BUT his parents are yet to know about me. They're strict pakistanis n believe in the whole 'marry your cousin that we choose for you from Pakistan' thing. he's gone against that (oobviously). They would be ok if he chose a Pakistani girl.. but i'm mauritian. we're both muslim n his family know mine n know we're a good family. So as far as i can see i think we can work it out with them once he tells them.

He's too scared to tell them thou.. he thinks they'll out right refuse to let us get married or even kick him out of the house. While I understand his fears n dont like to pressure him.. I keep thinking that if he wants to marry me then he has to tell them sometime right? I tried to leave him before because it was all too much for me.. but we couldnt be apart. we love eachother too much. Lately i've been really frustrated n wanting to find a way of jus telling his parents.. via letter, email.. anything. I know its probably not the best idea with them being so traditional n all.. bt my frustration is getting the better of me. How long do i wait until i do something to make sure they know?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 04:26 PM

In my opinion?

If you believe that you two will get married... Then don't stress on it, or analyse it, wait until your both ready for that step in the knowing that it will, is going to happen.

If your doubting that it will, then that would be the only reason why you'd push someone to tell.

Ultimately, it's a joint thing. You both will be telling your families together, united, strong because it's what you both want and it's more powerful to do it in that light.

CW

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:32 PM

thanks for ur reply.. i understand what u're saying. but the situation is that with us being from muslim families.. we both need permission from our parents before we can get married, so we need to tell them n talk them around if there are any problems. the way i see it is, the sooner we tell them, the sooner any problems come to light n the sooner we will sort it out. my parents already know n hav done for over 3 years n are happy for us to get married. but like i said we need permission from both sides. so we're stuck as we are until he tells them.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 04:37 PM

Yes sweet, I know.

But, I still think it's something you both have to do together, so that you are united and so that it's powerful, so that they clearly see the love between you and that you both want this... Not him sitting down at a table and asking permission, rather, letting them see you both shining with love

I know it's a hard thing to do... I imagine your both young, they will say your too young to make such a decision, as they wish to follow their culture and will say anything to "say no"..

He obviously is nervous and can't quite bring it up.. It would be hard to do. Offer to do it together.. and explain why, that may be the way to go..

CW

**parvz** · 07-21-2010 04:42 PM

i have offered to do it together. i've offered every way i can think possible but nothing seems 'right' to him. he says he has to wait for the right time n do it the right way.. i'm yet to know wat that time or way is. its got to a point where his mum has already chosen a girl for him which is going to make it al the more worse when they know about me. He said i cant be there when he tells them as they would find it disrespectful as in their eyes its not what girls should do etc. so its like.. i cant be there to support him n he's too scared to do it himself

**jns** · 07-21-2010 08:18 PM

Do his parents have any other objections to him marrying you, such as culture, branch of Islam, race, age, education, social status, etc.? Can he hint to his mother that he may want to find his own wife, that she shouldn't spend time finding one for him? Can he hint to her about what he is looking for in a wife, using your characteristics?

**parvz** · 07-22-2010 03:32 AM

Hi Jns

Well their objections are that of race n culture. they like to marry 'their own' n since i am not from the same place as them they have a problem. i dont think its fair for them to dismiss me because of that alone. We have been together for 4 years n tearing us apart just cos i wasnt born in the right place n dont have the right colour skin isnt right. wel thats just my opinion.

He wont do the hinting thing.. i dont like to say it but he's just a wimp. he's scared to face the reality of them knowing n then having to deal with it. I know i sound a bit mean calling him that.. but in the asian culture its normlly girls who are scared, n i told my parents a long time ago. Dont get me wrong, theyre not easy going n unreligious. They are very religious, my dad even owns a mosque.. bt he sees how happy i am so he let us be together. if i was brave enough to do it, then why cant he at least try a little.

**WildChild** · 07-22-2010 06:05 AM

Which country are you in?
How is it that you have time together without his family knowing? Alone?

Is he self supporting?
Are you employed?

**parvz** · 07-22-2010 11:00 AM

we're in england, in London. well we go to uni together n have the same exact timetable, so we're both free at the same time n busy at the same time. we get time alone when either his whole family are out or when mine are out. We spend time together outside of the house, jus the 2 of us alot, thats easier cos we go places where we know we wont be seen.

well he works for my dad right now, so he has some income. its only part time thou, so not enough to live on. I'm not employed but I have quite a bit of savings put aside, which would be enough for us to put down a deposit on a house.